April 10th, I felt two emotions; burdened and excited. I’m not sure how those two get cooked up together, but by the end of the day, I was worn slap out. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to do. How was I supposed to approach this day? I’m always burdened for my husband, for our family, etc. Isn’t every wife? But, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to rock my boat. I wanted to see God.

Now, I understand that we cannot manipulate God by our prayers. But, I really wanted Him to hear us.

Throughout this journey, there has always been evidence of God’s hand, but that doesn’t mean this gets better faster or that it makes it any easier.

It sucks.

However, improvement has been measured. Attitudes have changed, even if fleeting. Perspective has been adjusted and hope continues.

In the last month, here are some things that changed for the better:

· Danny took a remarkable step, several of them actually, and walked into choir practice at church (If you're Friends with me on Facebook, you can see the video there.  I'm having trouble getting it posted to the 80FT Facebook page).  He has since walked into choir each week and we’re working up to walking into the sanctuary. I’m thinking it would be a great Mother’s Day gift!

· Danny has commented many times that he sees and feels progress. As I’ve mentioned here before, Danny can be his worst critic so to see any glimpse of self confidence is an improvement.

· Danny has made appointments for driving evaluations. Big gulp on my part.

· Danny was so moved by a sermon given by Dr. Raymond Culpepper, that we literally cried through the entire thing and Danny made every attempt to get Dr. Culpepper our calling card.

· It was re-evaluation time for benefit purposes and I’m so proud of Danny! If nothing else convinces you that you should never give up and never stop trying, these results should. I’ve indicated the initial evaluation from 2009 with an ARJO (Google it), not a rolling walker like his results from January and April 2012. Simply amazing! Go donate!

Timed Up n Go:
2009: 3 min, 3 sec
January 2012: 56 sec
5-2-2012: 46 sec

10 Meter Test:
2009: 92 sec
January 2012: 33 sec
5-2-2012: 25 sec

6 Minute Test (as far as he can go in that time frame):
2009: 83 ft.
January 2012: 260 ft.
5-2-2012: 295 ft.

This month, Danny has asked that we pray specifically for his left arm and right leg to continue to get stronger.

Most of Danny’s bodily injuries focused on his left side; broken left femur, all ribs broken, bleeding spleen, and so we can only assume that his left shoulder sustained some kind of damage that is making ambulation more difficult.

There was never any clean, cut diagnosis for the left arm so we’re left wondering if the damage is related to the brain injury or if there was some undiagnosed damage from the accident.

I will, however, say that in the hospital, there was sign hanging above Danny’s bed asking the nurses and assistants not to pull Danny’s arms to turn him in bed. Danny also had to wear a sling to keep the arm in the shoulder socket.

Nonetheless, whatever the issue is, God knows. It would make everything easier to do if Danny were to gain more mobility with his left arm and hand. As a mechanic and blue collar kind of guy, it’s difficult for Danny to do anything that requires fine motor skills. And, it’s difficult to dream of a future business in mechanics if you can’t use your left arm/hand.

The right leg is stubborn. Sometimes it does what Danny asks it to do and sometimes, it just gives out. Obviously, TWO stable legs are best for walking independently. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to want to move your body, to think about moving the muscles and there being no response, a weak response or an inconsistent response.

As I close, I have a special request of my own.

Before the accident, Danny could really sing. He had competed in winning choirs and ensembles. I remember not singing in church so I could listen to him worship. I remember being more in love with him when he worshiped the Lord than at any other time.

The initial tracheotomy was too low and caused damage to his vocal chords, so they had to put another one in higher. Danny also had to overcome a swallowing issue. Again, we are not sure if the damage was done by the trach or if it was damage to his body or if it originates in his brain, but God knows.

Danny wants to sing. He wants his voice back. He wants to worship unashamed of his voice. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to hear his old voice sing in his head, but the sound that comes out is not the same.

So, I ask that you would also pray specifically for Danny’s voice, the vocal chords, the breath control, etc so that he can sing, speak and worship with confidence.

I look forward to joining with the troops on Thursday, May 10th! Get In on 10!

I love baking more than I love cooking.

It's therapy.

It's also a science.

The first time I tried making my Grandma McLuhan's Yeast Rolls, I could have sided a house with those bricks.

The second time I tried, they were flat.

Thankfully, the third time, Grandma was present and lead me through the process and we devoured bread for days over the holidays.

I've even tried since she was here and they flopped again.

Baking is a science, especially when there is active yeast involved.

You know what else is a science?

Planning anything and doing everything for our family.

Not only does it take a Village, but it's a Science.

I want to take the boys to the beach.

Do you know how hard it is to find a place to stay that is merely manageable, not 1970's beach decor, not miles away from the ocean and within our budget (Ha!)?

How about the realization that I can't take them by myself?

Why can't we do something NORMAL?????

When you plan to go out to dinner, do you have to think about how many handicap parking spaces there are, whether parking is covered, if the restaurant is too crowded with tables, if the tables are high enough for the wheelchair to go underneath, if it's too loud, the time of day, day of the week, the weather, etc.

When planning a family vacation to the beach, do you have to think about the interior width of the doorways, if elevators are in working order, if the bathroom has grab bars or if the shower is walk in, if the bed is king size or if the flooring is tile, is it within driving distance from home, where are the wheelchair accesses to the beach, are there beach wheelchairs to rent, is the sand soft or packed, is it too windy or humid, can the wheelchair get along on the sidewalks, are there sidewalks, etc.

It's a science.

It takes a Village.

I look forward to the day when we can simply walk to the car to go to dinner.  I look forward to the day when even if it's raining, we can go out and about.  If we want to take Corbin to the park, I don't have to worry about Danny's wheelchair getting stuck in the mulch.

I look forward to many things.

Right now, I'm downright irked.  I'm on my face kicking my arms and legs.  I'm throwing an all out temper tantrum and screaming "it's not fair!"

But, a gentle reminder comes.

Making Grandma McLuhan's Yeast Rolls was only successful when I allowed her to lead me through the process.

In the same way, we are only successful when we let God lead us through the process.  I cannot do it on my own.

After all, He created the Science.

Lord, lead us.  Let me know your ways.  Show me your glory.  Go among us. Oh, and can you find us a place at the beach too?

If you couldn't figure it out, I just finished a Bible Study.

Sifted by Rick Lawrence.  It's based on the scripture in Luke 22 when Christ says, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Now, I probably could have written a book like this based on our own sifting.  However, that book, God-willing, hasn't been given it's final chapters yet.

Nonetheless, you should all buy this book.  No matter if you've never been "sifted," you're in the midst of it, or things are just turning around for you, you need to read this book.

Although this passage of Scripture can be quite daunting to think that a sifting may occur in your life, it's also very reassuring.

You see?  If you've been through a sifting, a tragedy, you have a greater impact when you're helping to strengthen others.  It's true.

I've experienced it.

I had many people tell me "there, there" and even "just keep trusting the Lord."  And, while all those people meant well and were telling the truth, sometimes, it's better just to be silent and listen.  Or, admit you don't know what to say.

But, when people shared their own story of tragedy and told how faithful the Lord was through it, that strengthened me and still does.

Pray Day for Danny is my way of saying "enough is enough."  I am at the point of those crazy men that lowered their friend to the feet at Jesus.  I am that woman who was so desperate, she had it in her head and heart that she just needed to touch the hem of Jesus' garment.

However, I also know, that the final result of Pray Days for Danny is up to God.  No matter the outcome, it doesn't change who God is and it will not change my heart for Him.

Satan has no authority over my family except what is allowed by God.  It's a hard pill to swallow; that God may allow things in our lives for a greater good that seems so far away and so impossible.  But, it happened to Peter; the Rock on which the Church was built.

If Peter can be sifted, me, Danny, you; we're no greater or less likely to go through it too.

When you're brought to the breaking point, the true you is revealed and you can turn back to strengthen your brothers.

We have to stand on what we know, not what we feel.

I know heaven hears our prayers and it is one thing we can all do that doesn't cost anything, but time.  I realize that time is precious, but so much more is time with the Lord.

Are you "In On 10?"  Are you committed to "Pray Day for Danny?"

You're probably going to get sick of me, but just color me crazy.

Danny can tell you that math is not my strong suit.

You see...I'm tired of this..this, this battle.  I'm tired of Satan creeping into my family and worming his way into Danny's mind.  I'm tired of the attack and it's time to pull out all the stops.

So, I've been thinking, praying and trying to figure out the best way to do this and I keep coming back to one thing.

Prayer.

Now, I realize that some of you may not be Christians and I certainly hope I do not offend you.  However, without Christ, I am nothing.  Without the relationship I have with Him, I could not walk this journey with Danny.  With God, all things are possible. So, please bear with me.

So, back to prayer.

When Danny got hurt, the Community, the Church, everyone rallied around us.  People poured out blessings on us from every direction.  It was an email here, a card delivered, money, food, encouraging books and visits from our circles.

Know what happened?  Most of it went away with time.

Know what didn't happen yet? The end of our story.

Know what we need?  Some troops.

Picture, if you will, the famous Uncle Sam U.S. Military poster.  WE NEED YOU!

So, I'm starting a campaign and I think it's going to go something like this:

Join us on the 10th of every month for "PRAY DAY FOR DANNY."  Will you commit to 1 minute, 10 minutes, an hour to pray for Danny?  Will you be so bold as to pray all day?  At midnight?  During your lunch break?  Will you fast too?

How about giving $10 on the 10th to contribute to Danny's therapy expenses?  or $100 and dare I say, $1,000?

This is not our normal.  This is not as good as it gets.  This is not the end of our story.  It's just the beginning of a new chapter; a chapter in which you help on the battlefield.

Here's how you can pray specifically:

Every hear the saying, "It's all in his head?"  Well, it's all in his head.  It's a brain injury people!  The brain is the central part of this play and demands center stage.

However, I will not cover up the fact that Danny's spiritual healing is just as important.  In fact, I feel it's more important.  I feel when there is a spiritual restoration within Danny, the physical will manifest.

Just think...head and heart, head and heart, head and heart.  And, let the Lord lead you.

Call me Crazy.  I'm ready for Crazy.  I'm ready for radical.

You know what?  One time, long ago, there were some friends of a paralyzed man.  They did a crazy thing to help their friend.  They cut a hole in someone's roof to place their hurt friend in front of the only One who could help him.  And, you know what Luke 5:20, 24-25 says?

20 When Jesus saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.”  Emphasis is mine.

24 But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” 25 Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God."

What crazy thing will do you to place Danny in front of the only One?

Will you pray on the 10th of each month?

Will you give on the 10th of each month?

Will you fast on the 10th of each month?

Will you call him, visit him or email him on the 10th of each month?

Will you get crazy with me?  I can't wait to see what God is going to do when His people rally.

Who's in?

I know in some ways it may surprise you to hear me say that, but it’s true.

Circumstances included.

I know Love.

And, today there are many who do not know Love or love. And, I’m blessed because I know both.

This morning, on my way to work, I cried. I know. You’ve heard that before; I guess because in my car, alone, I can let it all hang out there for only Love to see.

Anyway, I cried.

I was overwhelmed with Love.

Truth is… God is good. All the time. No matter the circumstances. No matter the storm.

Let’s face it. Going through this journey as a couple, Danny and I have experienced a deeper level of intimacy than most. There are things I’ve had to help Danny with that most couples don’t even talk about.

But, I am humbled because I have known real love; love as an action. Loving words with no loving actions are dead.

I was Danny’s hands, his feet, and his voice. I was his memory, his constant, his reason (shared by Corbin, of course). I was those things only because Love gave me what I needed to be those things and He still does.

Our love is built on something greater than the troubles of this life; God is the foundation.

As Christians, we can struggle with the choice of drowning in the sea of our emotions or standing on the Rock, the Promise, the Starting Point.

God is good. All the time.

It is His nature, His being. He is.

Our circumstances don’t change that. Our understanding is not His knowledge.

It’s hard. There are many times, I roll over our life and wonder what the plan is. How can it be taking so long to come to fruition? What is left to learn? Teach me already!

But, no matter how I feel, no matter how my heart hurts, no matter how many tears I cry, what I know to be true is what anchors me.

God is good. All the time.

He has never failed me. Never.

Though the waves crash over me and the battle wages around me, and there are times I want to lay down my sword, I know He is able to hold me up.

I am not alone.

I am not the only warrior.

He has already won.

We are overcomers.

There are times when it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Honestly, I have a hard time sometimes just throwing my hands in the air and the stress off my shoulders. It’s a lot. I wear many hats and really I’d like to get the opportunity to burn many of them.

But, you know what? God gave me those hats.

He gave me the stuff I need to get through this time. He made me capable through Him. And because of that, I know He loves me. He sees me. He hears me. He is with me.

God is good. All the time.

I choose to believe. Every day. Every moment. I choose Him.

God is good. All the time.

But, secondly, the holidays were special because I got to spend them with my Grandma.  It's been years since that happened and sadly, it really only happened because my Grandpa spent his first holiday season in heaven.

Nonetheless, we made memories.

I am now Grandma endorsed to make her famous yeast rolls.  We made them together and she showed Corbin how to do it too.  Yes, I got pictures and I know I need a major updating to the Gallery.

But, we got to talk and I was able to learn things about her and my Grandpa that I never knew.  I listened to her hurt, her insecurities and her resolution to press on.

In all honesty, I identify best with my 88 year old grandmother.

The last days that my Grandpa was alive, she had to care for him in ways she'd never done.  Grandpa was the one who made all their decisions.  He was the one that drove and the one that planned things.  And, she followed.

He directed her and when that role changed, it had a huge impact on their relationship.

Grandpa was frustrated by his loss of independence.  He was angry that he had to let her do things for him, realizing that he was losing his mind and his body.

It must be so humbling.....I think I'll ask Danny.

In many ways, my Grandma is me just at 88 years old.  She too, had to help her husband do things for himself that he once was able to do on his own.  She too, had to deal with his frustrations around his limitations.  She too, was tired all the time, but smiled anyway.

She asked me one night if I was able to rest at all when we traveled to Canada for Grandpa's memorial services.

"No ma'am" I replied.  In her wisdom, she identified that I'm just tired all the time.

It's not just the physical work, but it's the emotional weight I carry.  There is so much to do and so many things to take care of.

And, my Grandma is no different.  She now has the responsibility to make all the financial decisions, where she will live and how best to manage their legacy.  She will be the one to go through their things and assign them where she thinks best.  And, I'm sure she'll be second guessing herself the whole time.

Just like me.

I am my 88 year old Grandma, but I'm only 34.

I have more in common with her than most wives/mothers my age.  Everyone has a story, a difficulty they carry that is unique and heavy to them.  I recognize that.  I identify it.

I'm just glad that I have my Grandma who understands when it feels no one else does.  I'm so thankful for our new relationship, one that as a child I couldn't have understood and one that as an adult I value.  I am a reflection of her and am so grateful for her wisdom and her encouragement.

I know the God of the impossible and as I mentioned in my last post, 2012 is the year.  I'm believing it to happen and actually thinking it can.  It's the first time in a long time that my doubts are becoming quiet as the Lord reveals Himself in mighty ways.

I am blessed by the women in my life.  I have many mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts.  To you, and you know who you are, I appreciate you all more than you know.  I love you Grandma!

Happy New Year!  Is it too late in January to say that?

I know.  It’s been a while.

Hi.  My name is Allison.

I have something to say.  You may or may not be interested so feel free to move on at any time.

Christmas was awesome.

Did you see the video?  It’s on FaceBook.

I got a great Christmas gift and thankfully, it’s the gift that’s kept on giving.

My husband has been walking around our house with his walker…some.

Yep.  Remember that goal he had?

Wait.  Did I write about that here? Total evidence that I REALLY haven’t been here in too long.

Anyway, his goal was to be walking with the walker around the house by the end of the year.

He did it!

It’s been amazing to see his confidence grow as he does it more often.

It’s been amazing to see Corbin watching his dad overcome difficulty.  What a learning experience for him…for all of us really.

Sometimes, I forget how far we’ve come.  I mean, let’s be honest.  Who wants to remember feeding tubes, tracheotomies, casts, catheters and thrush?

NOT me!  I’ll remember it and acknowledge it enough to give glory to God that He brought us through it, but otherwise, it’s a really dark place to go to, even in my memories.

Last week, I was invited to offer some peer support to a young woman whose husband suffered a traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle accident.

I had to go back there; physically, mentally and a bit emotionally.  In the dark parts of my mind, I don’t want to do that.  I don’t want to have to be living in this journey.  I want to be in the journey of our dreams that we had; the parallel life.

But the reality is, I’ve never been to that parallel.  It’s a place I can only think about.  I’ve never smelled it, seen it or heard it.  I’ve never felt it, lived it or absorbed its delight or difficulty.

But, I’ve been where this couple is now.  I’ve smelled the hospital.  I’ve sat in the cold, lonely room though I wasn’t alone.  I’ve listened to silence, to nurse’s shoes squeak on the floor, to fluid gurgling inside Danny’s throat.  I’ve heard cursing and I’ve listened to sobs.  I have seen eyes that have no soul, bodies contorted and people restrained.  Heck, I’ve had to restrain my own husband.

It’s not a world you want to find yourself.

However, if you find yourself there, it’s nice to know it’ll get better.

So, I went to the ABI Unit.  Thankfully, they’ve renovated it so it is only the shell of what I remember.

If I closed my eyes though, it was like the room was rushing at me, taking me back in time.

I resisted.

I wasn’t there for me.  I was there for someone else.

I couldn’t lose it right there.  I couldn’t make it about me and my experience.

This is their journey.  And, I tried to encourage but not sugar coat it.  Yet, in the early stages, perhaps it was too soon to hear what might lie ahead.

Nonetheless, the whole experience washed over me and took me back there.  It made me look at what Danny was and what he is now.  I realized that perhaps, the hardest parts are behind us, perhaps this is the year.

Each New Year, I write about what I hope it holds for us.

For the first time, I think I know and I’m crazy for it to get here.

My husband may very well walk unassisted by year end.

Below are his recent evaluation results:

Maybe we’ll take this journey and we’ll meet somewhere up ahead in that other parallel life.  Maybe we’ll get to see it, feel it, smell it and hear it.

To actually experience our dreams or to even believe it may be possible?

I’m overwhelmed with hope just bubbling beneath the surface.

Here’s to 2012 and the living in the parallel!

My chest compresses and tears flow down my face. I may even do an ugly cry, but don’t tell.

I’m not sure if it’s the Christmas music I’m listening to or what great improvements Danny is making, the greater understanding of the magnitude of Christ’s birth or the fact that my son can recite Luke 2:6-14, from memory.

I believe it’s a combination of them all.

I’ve been told that as Mary pondered these things in her heart, I tend to do the same. There are many differences between me and Mary, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t put her heart on the internet.

Anyway, I see something, I feel something, I haven’t felt it this strongly in a long time and it makes me nervous….hope. Real hope. Pressed down and yet overflowing hope.

I don’t want to acknowledge it. What if it doesn’t happen? What if it really isn’t getting better? What if? What if? What if?

I’m at a place that only the Lord can make this path. Only the God in heaven can make these crooked ways straight. I’m terrified and nauseas and rooting around to find comfort and peace and rest in Him.

Audrey, our dog, does the funniest thing with Corbin’s bean bag chair. She will dig into that bean bag chair, moving it all around the house, then step onto it, walk around on it, until she finds the most comfortable position.

Like Audrey, I take these obstacles life throws us, dig into them, move them around and position them before God until I’m more comfortable with them. Until I can rest in Him, knowing He is sitting on His big bean bag chair of a throne.

It’s hard. I have no idea how or what He’s going to do. But, I know He will.

I know He will make my bean bag chair of a life peaceful, hopeful and perhaps even better than ever. Sure I may find some lumps and we’ll have to work together to smooth them out, but I am grateful He is always there. He’s dependable though I may not see it.

Danny is improving.

I know I haven’t written about him in awhile. I’m not sure why. Perhaps because everything I wrote started to sound repetitive.

Danny had a goal. Walk with the walker around the house by the end of the year.

Danny had a record. One minute, thirty-seven seconds walking the length of a basketball court with the walker, unassisted.

He beat that time; bringing it down to one minute, twelve seconds.

The next week, he beat it again; one minute, three seconds.

He’s walking with the walker unassisted from the gym level at Shepherd, getting on the elevator and walking to the cafeteria, sitting in a regular chair and then walking all the way back to the gym.

Did I mention no one has to touch him? Someone is there for safety, but he does it all by himself.

I hadn’t been with him to therapy since July. How dare a job get in the way!

There is a video on our Facebook page of Danny walking. I am amazed. Check out his swagger.

Perhaps, our bean bag of life is getting a bit smoother.  I hope so.

God bless you all and Merry Christmas!

Here’s to BIG things in 2012!

It’s a word that means something different to everyone.

Not normal.

The phrase Corbin used to describe Danny.

It’s happened. He knows. He recognizes.

I’d hoped we would never have to deal with this, but it’s here.

It’s happening. And, we have no idea what it’s doing to him.

The thing is, what made Danny different in Corbin’s eyes was that “all he does is work on the computer and take the dog out.”

It had nothing to do with walking.

I tried hard to make it silly.

I told Corbin that I work on a computer and take the dog out.

I told him that he plays games on the computer and takes the dog out.

“I guess none of us are normal,” I said while crossing my eyes and making a funny face.

I’m not sure he bought it.

But, after a good Corbin sandwich hug and tickle attack, we were all laughing.

However, I couldn’t help but notice how it hurt Danny’s feelings to hear his son say he’s not normal.

I really think though, that Corbin meant that Danny doesn’t pay attention to him….all he does is sit on the computer and take the dog out.

Danny and I talked about it later and he could see the same thing. Danny needs to take more initiative in activities he can do with Corbin.

But, it still hurts. I wish I could rewind the words, but I can’t.

“Not normal,” is all Danny’s been telling himself all these last six years. It just solidified how Danny feels about himself, but to hear it from your six year old; it’s crushing.

Danny never wanted to be bound to that wheelchair. His dreams of fatherhood looked very different from the reality we’re in now.

And, it seems that Corbin now recognizes the difference between his dad and his friend’s dads.

We’ve had two phone calls from the school about behavior situations.

Is this indicative with what Corbin experiences at home? Is he feeling frustrated or confused and doesn’t know what to do with those feelings?

Or, is this a typical six year old boy pushing boundaries? Learning what’s right and what’s wrong?

We don’t’ know.

How do we know?

God give us wisdom.

On Sunday, I got to have a date with Corbin. We did whatever he wanted; saw a matinee, walked through Toys R Us and had some frozen yogurt at Pinkberry.

As we sat there eating our yogurt, I asked Corbin how he felt about Daddy not being able to walk.

He said it made him sad.

I told him it makes me sad too.

I’m hoping Corbin won’t close off and he’ll learn that we can talk about anything; that he’ll realize that no one is anyone else’s definition of normal.

Thoughts?

Grandpa passed away on July 31st. We celebrated him on October 15th.

Our family homestead in Consul, Saskatchewan in the 1800s.

Not much has changed since I was there in 1989.

Honestly, I know we say that Montana is Big Sky Country, but that must only include the US. The prairies in the Saskatchewan and Alberta areas are so expansive that you can see horizon to horizon. It’s breathtaking.

The four granddaughters made the trip to Consul and we were asked to speak at Grandpa’s service. Honestly, I had no idea what I was going to say.

I loved Grandpa, but I didn’t know him.

With my grandparents living in Canada and us living in Atlanta, we didn’t see much of one another. Could we have called or written more? Sure. But, that didn’t happen.

So, I struggled with how I would pay tribute to a man I didn’t know very well.

The air is different there. The view is broader and crisper. It’s quieter. It’s a place you feel God.

We landed in Calgary and met my parents there. Driving together to Medicine Hat, Alberta where my grandparents lived, my dad spouted memories. It had been years since I’d seen my Grandma and it was so good to hug her.

Yet, the last time I’d been in Canada in their home, it was the farm in Consul.

This was different. I’d never been.

I’d missed out.

The next morning, we traveled to Consul through the Cypress Hills to a lodge named Diamond Willow. We literally had to move the cows off the road to get to the lodge; we were in the middle of nowhere.

There was nothing, but expanse, prairies, cows and time.

I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I grabbed my camera and walked through the tall grasses. I sat in those tall grasses and I cried.

I was probably overdue.

Tears for the all the times I’d missed with my Grandpa. Tears for my Grandma. Tears for my dad. Tears for my husband who couldn't come and tears for the regret we never came before he was injured. Tears for the loss of the homestead that I never got to show Danny. Tears for the relief I felt to get away. Tears just because I’m tired. Tears to tell God about.

Being there a couple days before the memorial service, I heard many stories about my grandpa and learned many things about him that I never knew. I was able to go with my dad, my mom and Corbin to the homestead, to the lake, to the town and relive my dad’s memories of these places.

As an adult, I found a greater appreciation for my heritage.

It was a family reunion. It was awesome. Memories I will never forget.

But, still, I didn’t know what to say to pay tribute to this man.

In the quiet of that place, God reminded me that I did know my grandpa…..through my dad.

My dad is one of the most wonderful men I’ve ever met. He is a product of his parents, his environment and the lessons he’s learned from them.

Good or bad, my dad learned how to be a good dad from his father before him. Just as I hope to even be a better parent than my own, my dad mimicked or changed his parenting from what he’d experienced as a child. He took the good and bad and made it better.

Like my grandpa, my dad loves the Lord and uses his work as an avenue to minister God’s love to others.

Like my grandpa, my dad is wholly dedicated to his family and will drop everything for us.

Like Grandpa, my dad knows how to perfectly throw a tool causing little to no damage when trying to fix something that just doesn’t want to work.

Heritage.

It was an awesome experience to stand where my great, great grandfather walked and to share that with my son.

And when we’re dead and gone, what kind of heritage are we leaving our son through these circumstances?

It’s a question I ask myself often. How do the realities of our lives affect and build Corbin into a man? Good and bad? Which way will it go?

How do you parent well through life’s tragedies?

How do you take the ashes of life and create a legacy of faith, family and foundation?

I pose these questions, expecting your comments.

“Sons are a heritage from the Lord.” Psalm 127:3

I don’t know any other way to describe it. There is just an overwhelming sense of sadness, of unfairness. We got a raw deal.

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend.

Looking back on our wedding day, it was glorious. But, I think about that couple and in many ways, they don’t exist.

So, it’s sad; heartbreaking really that our ten year anniversary is overshadowed by the hand we’ve been dealt.

I know we choose how to look at it, but you know as well as I do, it’s easier said than done.

Do we celebrate anyway? Sure.

Do we smile and reminisce? Absolutely.

But (always a BUT), in our hearts, we feel the brokenness, the lacking and the grief.

We try to ignore it. We try to make it through the motions of romance, gift exchanges and yummy dinners.

But, it is still the unwelcome guest in our lives.

If only we could understand the bigger picture, it might make it more bearable.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:5

As usual, on my way to work, I think. I pray. I cry. I yell. I even beat the steering wheel sometimes.

God and I have several talks in the car. Well, He tends to just listen and share his sense of humor.

Today, this song came on the radio.

Hold Us Together by Matt Maher

And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone

I love Matt Maher. And, I love this song.

Today was different.

Singing this song in first person on a downer kind of day was like God waved His hand and said “hello?”

Love (God) will hold us together and make us a shelter through the storm. I will be my brother’s (Danny’s) keeper and the whole world will know that God is with us.

It doesn’t always make it easier though.

So, God laughed again when the DJs on the radio started talking about wedding proposals.

Of course, I’d already thought about Danny’s proposal this morning.

The sermon preached on the day we got engaged was based on the following scripture:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I John 4:18

This isn’t punishment.

God is working, to make us perfect in love.

And, God chuckled again, when I opened my daily devotional email when I got to work.

It was the same scripture reference.

******************************

Our Witness from Within
by Jon Walker

“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:15–16 (NIV)

Consider this:  You are sitting in a restaurant and the atmosphere is quiet until an older man gets a bit cantankerous and his loud conversation lets negativity creep into the dining room.

But just then, Mrs. Jones and some of her friends are seated. They’re in a festive mood, laughing and hugging and even cheerfully greeting diners around their table.

It’s a party, and everyone’s invited! Their joy spills and splashes across the room, and even the cantankerous old man is now smiling and laughing.

Their energy has just changed the entire atmosphere, and it leaves you longing to be part of their group.

Mrs. Jones is a snapshot of us when we let the perfect love of God drive the fear from our lives (1 John 4:18). We live in love, which means we live in God, and God’s love is complete because he lives in us (1 John 4:16).

God’s Spirit in us testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children (Romans 8:15–16). And the joy of Jesus working within us bubbles out as an unforced testimony of God’s life in us.

Our objective-in-Jesus is to embrace God’s grace until the love and joy we experience is infectious, spreading to those around us, creating a longing within them to join our family — the family of God.

**************************

There are many things I need to let go of; expectations, control, fear.

And, many things I need to embrace more often; grace, faith, trust, Jesus love and silliness.

It's time to lighten the load and chuckle along with God.

Happy Anniversary, Danny!  Here is to another (better) ten years; a better, next chapter.

Another year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time. We made it through.

Through what? We’re not done yet. We’re still going through.

But, let me tell you a little story. You may have heard it, but there is a small detail that I had overlooked.

As you know, Danny and I have known each other for years. We went to school together; although, Danny was one year ahead of me. We established a great friendship with a lot of flirting involved, but nothing more.

Away in California for my brother’s wedding, our relationship took a step up. I will go to my grave claiming that Danny kissed me first, as he will defend that it was me that made the first move. No matter, it was a small step that we never spoke about when we returned to the South.

I went on to graduate college the following month and Danny continued to do whatever he was doing in Georgia. When I moved home, we would go out and hang out. But still, we never talked about that kiss.

It was a Monday evening.

Danny called me and asked me what I was doing on Friday night. I automatically assumed it was a group thing until I asked him what we were doing. He told me that it was a surprise, that he was taking me out.

I remember getting off the phone and telling my mom that I thought Danny had just asked me out on a date, but I wasn’t completely sure.

Our first date was Friday, August 20th.

That Monday evening he called was August 16th.

Ironic, isn’t it?

August 16, 1999 – Danny asks me out for our first date.

August 16, 2005 – Our lives move to a parallel path with Danny's accident.

August 16, 2011 – Six years later and our son starts Kindergarten.

August 16 and I have a love-hate relationship.

August 16 brought me the love of my life, but it also took him away from me six years later.

August 16, 2005 and my then unborn son brought me such comfort as my world was ripped out from under me.

And, today, August 16 has placed Corbin officially on the big boy path of his own life.

August 16 has given and taken away.

If I could remove it from the calendar, I would scratch it out completely or at the least, make it like February 29.

One would think that after six years, we might be used to our new life. We might see it as normal. Not happening.

I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the grief of our old life, although I’m usually the first to point out to Danny all the blessings we have.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. We are blessed beyond.

But….

There’s always a but.

Although I like to push it out of my mind, it’s always hovering like an overbearing boss.

I don’t want my old life back. I realize that is not a possibility.

But (ha, ha), I do want some resemblance of my old life and I’m not sure that is a possibility.

Danny is not the man he once was, although I’m not the woman I was either.

We live in the parallel now. And, we have a hard time not peering over to the life we could have had.
Anyone have some spare blinders for their race horse we could borrow?

Nonetheless, my desire is for us to be a better couple, to have a better relationship and create a better home environment.

But, I don’t know how to do that. I’m not sure we know how to do that.

Danny sees life through injury goggles; everything is sifted through the injury.

I am bogged down with the have-tos of our family and rarely think of the should-dos. Where is the time?

How do we re-create an August 16, 1999 love and friendship with our August 16, 2005 changed selves?

I don’t know, but I’m thinking it has to start in me. Jesus, in me.

I’m going into battle, continuing the war.

Just call me She-Ra, going to fight for her He-Man beginning August 16, 2011.

The last update just stares at you, taunting you. All that is left is the clouded, fogged up window into our world.

I can tell you that life has not been cloudy or fogged up. It’s been busy, but clear and sunny.

Praise the Lord! I am now working. Searching for a job has been a job in and of itself. But, finding the right job for me and for my Village has been even more taxing and worth the wait. Although, we do not understand, God’s timing is always perfect and so is His provision.

Preparing for heading back to a full time job for the first time since August 16, 2005 has been crazy. It’s a huge adjustment for all of us. Taking me out of the picture for Danny-care and Corbin-care requires more from my Village, primarily Danny’s parents.

Once school starts for Corbin, my almost Kindergartener (how’d that happen?), I will be able to take him to school in the mornings on my way to work and that will help out tremendously. Until then, scheduling my boys is a daily discussion.

To say I couldn’t do this without Danny’s parents is the greatest of understatements.

And, 36 years ago today, Danny’s parents welcomed him into the world.

When I was a child, I remember my mom telling me how much she loved me and sharing with me that when I became a parent, I’d understand the depth of that love.

I can’t imagine the heartache and worry that comes from watching your child experience tragedy and hardship.

Our journey has been long; almost six years now.

As a wife, it is incredibly frustrating to be unable to make it all better for Danny.

For his parents, I can imagine it’s probably worse.

As Corbin’s mother, I am the one he cries to and runs to when his heart or his body is hurt. And, I hold him, dry his tears, clean his wounds and give him a band-aid to cover his boo-boos. And, with that and time, he heals, grows and moves on.

Danny’s mom can’t put a band-aid on Danny’s brain injury and make it all better. In his now 36 years, I’m sure this is not the way they dreamed it would be for Danny and it’s a daily effort to give his injuries, both physical and emotional, to the Great Physician.

But, the important thing is to view the other side of the coin, the glass half full part.

Danny is here.

Danny is present.

Danny is living.

In his 36 years, he’s become a great man. Through all faces of difficulty, he continues. He does not give up, not that I give him much of a choice, but still he goes.

Don’t get me wrong. He doesn’t have the whole world smelling like roses and he can come across as being pissed off at the world.

But, don’t we all sometimes? Don’t we all have our moments?

I know I do.

The funny part about me harping (yes, I can nag) Danny about being thankful to be able to just be here, giving him some tough love, I have to give myself the same pep talk too.

Life could be worse. It has been worse.

Take my friend Adam again, who has now passed on to be with the Lord. My life could have been very different.

Danny is here.

Danny is present.

Danny is living.

I did not have to bury my husband, Corbin’s dad and Hector and Loida’s son.

I do not have to tell stories about Danny to Corbin to teach him about his dad. He can see it for himself.

Danny is still a husband.

He is still a dad.

He is still a son, a brother, a nephew, a cousin and a friend.

He still loves deeply. His smile and laugh still brighten the room. His determination spreads to others; “if he can do it, I can too.” He still loves his Lord, although I think they often have some serious talks. He still makes people laugh and can banter with the best. He is tender and tough when he needs to be. And, he is growing, learning, and remembering more every day.

So, on this Danny’s birthday, I have a request for you my (few) loyal readers:

Make a comment (it will appear after I approve it) or send an email to dannyandallison@hotmail.com and tell Danny what it means to you that he is still here, still present and still living.

And, if you read this tomorrow or many days from now, do it anyway.

Help this cheerleader rest her pom-poms and rely on you, the Pep Squad.

Happy Birthday, Danny!

One of the things I miss about living in a house is a yard to let the dog out to do business.

Living in the condo, we have to walk her on a leash at all times, in designated areas and of course, clean up after her.

There are times that I rather enjoy taking Audrey out for walks.  Usually there isn't anyone else out there and it can be kind of relaxing.

However, she's not 100% perfect on a leash and it can seem more like she's walking me than the other way around.

One evening walk was just like that and it occurred to me that we should follow God, just like I was following Audrey.

Wherever Audrey walked, I followed.  I was, however, holding onto her leash so it wasn't too difficult.

And while this is a good illustration, a new thought hit me just as quickly as the first.

"No, dummy. The dog should walk right beside you, just as we're supposed to walk by our Master."

The only way I can get Audrey to walk beside me is to hide treats in my pocket, but then she's just sniffing my pocket and not taking care of business.  And, since she's on a food trial for a sensitive tummy, she gets nothing but her food and ice cubes.  Ice in the pocket isn't a good idea.

Audrey does not like to be alone.  She wants to be with her Masters.  She wants to be touching us; whether it's laying across Danny's lap or touching our feet, she likes to be close.  At night, she sleeps on my side of the bed and half her body underneath the bed.  If we move, she moves to see what we're doing.  She is in tune with us.

Lessons from my dog for a relationship with my heavenly Father:

• My Father provides for me; food, water and shelter.
• My Father blesses me with love, with chew toys (new shoes), and with treats (new shoes).
• My Father wants to spend time with me, to walk with me and sometimes, He may even have to clean up after me.
• My Father knows me and hears me when I bark, I mean call.
• My Father leads me and keeps me safe.
• My Father cleanses me on the outside, but also on the inside.

I want to know my heavenly Father like Audrey knows us.  But, like Audrey, I need to work on how much I try to pull God where I want to go and how fast I want to get there.  I need absorb that it's okay to stay by his side and let him lead me.

After all, Father knows best and it would seem Audrey does too.

Happy Birthday, little girl, and thanks for the joy you add to our lives.  You are loved!

Sometimes, I feel like a whiny child with God.  Although, I am the first one to count our blessings, my heart still feels the heaviness of the things that aren't right.

It often feels like we go around with blinders on to what's happening to others.  It's not that I don't sympathize with people or even empathize, but there is so much with us, I don't have time for anyone/thing else.  This goes back to me feeling kind of like Hard Hearted Hannah.

Well, recently, I stumbled upon some truly gasp-deserving news that breaks the pieces of my heart.

Adam was one grade below me in high school.  He played basketball with Danny and was always a good friend.  It wasn't like we were close and it's not like we've kept in touch over these past many years, but we both remember times with Adam with a smile.

Adam is married, has a daughter and twin boys Corbin's age.

Adam has cancer.

I was beside myself and wondered how something like this happens to someone so young.  I bet a lot of you thought the same about Danny.

Short of a miracle, at this point, there isn't anything modern medicine can do for Adam.  We know who the Great Physician is and we cling to Him for Adam.

The only tragedy isn't that Adam may pass and the heartbreak to his family and friends, but the tragedy is that sometimes it takes one for us to realize that we don't have it so bad after all.

I am struck in the gut for Adam's wife.  I don't even know what to write here.  Everything I type about me and our journey and in some lame attempt to say that I understand has missed the mark.  It sounds selfish and this isn't about me.

Death is a funny subject.  I know that sounds morbid.

What I mean, is that there are different types of death.  There is the physical death of our bodies which we all will experience.  There are deaths to relationships and businesses.

There is also the living dead.

For a long time, Danny felt this way.  He lived as though he wished he were dead, that he had died, that instead of that 80ft skid mark, he just throttled on.  Danny is definitely a "glass half empty" kind of guy.

And, sometimes, he just feels sorry for himself.

So, you know what I do?  I play the Adam card.

"Adam may not be able to see his kids swim in the pool this summer, but you can.  Just because you're in that stupid chair doesn't mean you're not a dad or a husband.  Be thankful you can be here for your son.  Adam may not be able to be for his."

I know it's a bit of a guilt trip I put him on, but a trip to "glass half full" is worth it, right?

I hope this post doesn't make Adam and his families' situation sound trite.  I pray for them daily and as a fellow wilderness walker, I do empathize.  I am stunned and beside myself and begin to ask God the same questions for them as I do for us.

Are we there yet?

Please pray for my friend Adam.  The cancer has spread to his brain and his lungs and he is at home now.  Pray for his family, for his wife and his three children. God is good, all the time.

Corbin stories.

One day in the car, with Corbin securely fastened in his booster seat, he had a meltdown of epic five-year-old proportions.

His car charger wasn't charging his Nintendo DS.  It wasn't working.  The red light was not on!  Like I said, it was a catastrophic moment in his short five years.  And, he screamed at me to "fix it!"

Keep in mind that I'm driving and as usual like to keep both eyes on the road and two hands on the wheel.

Fixing the charger at that moment wasn't possible, nor was it possible since he wouldn't give it to me at the red light.

So, we had two problems; 1. Corbin wanted me to fix it now and 2. he wouldn't give it to me to even inspect, much less fix.

You can see where I'm heading, right?

Yes, the Holy Spirit whispered again in my ear that I sound like my five-year-old to God.

"Fix it! And, do it now! But, let me hold it.  Let me carry it."

These two wishes contradict each other.  Both cannot be possible at the same time.

Like Corbin, I want this catastrophic event fixed NOW.  I don't care that there may be other things at work and that His timing is perfect.  In the moment, I just want it to go back to working to my liking.

While with God, all things are possible, it doesn't mean that all things are possible at the moment we want it to be.

God's timing reigns supreme.

However, in order to work all things together for good we have to give it to Him to hold, to carry, to inspect and when it's right, fix it.

I have a hard time being dependent on other people which is ironic since Danny does too.  However, our viewpoints are different.

Anyway, I will often times take care of things myself because I know they'll be done to my liking.  It's a learning process I'm working through daily.

For example, I am particular about how my dishwasher is loaded.  There is, after all, one right way to do it, correct?  Everything has it's place.

Well, God love her, I did not inherit this from my mother. When Mom comes to visit, forgive me Mom, but she just kind of puts stuff wherever there might be a hole. And, as usual, when I go to put my whatever in the dishwasher, I wind up rearranging everything.

It's simple, I know. And, in the end, the dishes get clean, but it's just not how I would do it.

And, sometimes, like this dishwasher of a life, it's not unfolding for us how I would do it.  But, God knows and I have to trust Him that although it may not be as organized as I would want it, we all get clean in the end.

In order for my hands to be free to hold tight to Jesus, I have to place my life in His hands and give Him time to clean it, organize it and fix it.

One of my favorite songs is "Fix You" by Coldplay. I cannot help but think about Danny when I hear this song.  Try as I might, I cannot fix him either.

It's not just my life I have to place in God's hands, but Danny's and Corbin's too.

But, sometimes, I just feel like I'm "stuck in reverse."

Well, I don't feel that way anymore.

Hello, My Name is Hard Hearted Hannah.

It's not that my heart is a rock, but there is more of a protective coating around it.

When you've been in a battle for almost six years, it wears on you inside and out.

Danny and I were talking this evening about "being over it," but I think he was actually more concerned about me being over him.

You want transparency?  Here it is.

Have I thought about leaving?  Sure.  More than once? Yes.

My reality is that not only do I carry the Mother and Wife roles, but I also hold the typical husband roles as well.  It may not be that way, because we do have a lot of support, but it feels like the weight of everything is on me.

Whatever job I end up with affects everyone in our support system.  What happens if Danny is left without a caregiver?  How can I manage that?  How can I get the bike to sell?  Does Danny need any refills on medications?  Who's taking him to this and who's taking Corbin to there?

It's crazy and yes, sometimes I get over it.

What doesn't help though and like I shared with Danny, is when he allows the situation to get the best of him.  Danny has always been and is still his worst critic.  He has terrible self esteem that is only exacerbated by being dependent for most everything in his life.

And, when you're around someone that is down the majority of the time, it wears on you too.

I'm not over Danny.  That would be impossible.  But, I want to fight this battle with him, not against or for him.

A positive attitude and hard work go a long way.

So, after dealing with the difficulty physically and emotionally, it gets old, but it's easier when we do it together.

My heart grew that protective coating over months and years of emotional roller-coasters.

I don't like it.

But, it's going to take some time to break off the shell.

It's going to take time to move from the interim and the recovery and learn to live free.

I'm not sure I've articulated my feelings and thoughts very well on this one.  It kind of got jumbled.  Of course, it's late and the brain is wanting to shut down.  I'm inclined to do so.

Until tomorrow.

Corbin and I were blessed to be able to vacation for a week at the beach in Florida with some friends.  With all the pressures in life, I was really due, overdue for a vacation.

We drove to the beach.

How many times do you think Corbin asked if we were there yet?  He asked so many times, it became laughable.  We weren't even to Macon, GA from Atlanta when he started.

And, it was in that moment, of him asking repeatedly, that the small little voice in my head said, "Aren't you doing the same?"

Are we there yet?

Are we done with this journey?

When are we moving to the next chapter?

When is Danny going to walk again?

When will this be over?

These are questions I ask in my head, like Corbin, repeatedly.

The funny thing about it all, is that as a parent, I knew that once we got to the beach, it wouldn't matter to him how long it took to get there.

We jumped the waves in our clothes.  We took a walk on the beach at sunrise.  We played in the sand.  We had ice cream and shrimp, not together though.  Corbin learned to swim and snuggled a lot with Mommy.

He was blessed.  He laughed.  He ran after birds and jumped the waves over and over again.

It was so much fun to me, as a parent, to watch Corbin enjoy the blessings.

He'd forgotten the lengthy journey and merely enjoyed the moments.

In the same way, our heavenly Father knows the blessings ahead of us.  He knows that once we arrive, the hardships of the journey will fade in the shadows.  He knows what awaits us.  He knows and yet, we still keep on asking.

Pastor didn't preach his prepared sermon on Sunday.  The Spirit moved and he briefly spoke about Jacob, the heel catcher.

When Jacob wrestled with the man, who was an angel, he said to the angel that he would not let him go until he blessed Jacob.

Many people miss their blessing because they let go.  It's not going according to their plan and they think it must not be working.  They think they should have arrived already.

I know we're not there yet.  I wish we were.  But, I'll hold on like Jacob until the blessing that God has prepared for us upon our arrival is here.

I will trust Him though I cannot see the end.

Prepare yourselves.

Next week, I will be writing every day.  Yes, every day.

Stay tuned and have a great weekend!

Dear Diary,

I haven't talked to you in a long time.  I've been writing this thing called a blog; it's like a diary, but you put it out there for everyone to read.  I know; it's not really private and it puts me in a very vulnerable position.  But, somehow, vulnerability and transparency are refreshing.  Sometimes readers may be inspired and sometimes, they're just thankful they're not me.

Dear Diary,

I lost my job.  Thankfully, not because I wasn't good at it, but for many other corporate America politics.  Nonetheless, it's a new feeling for me; failure and not measuring up to whatever impossible standards I've put on myself.  I hear you; I can't set unrealistic expectations, it wasn't my fault and maybe it's the beginning of something new.  But, right now, it just feels like something terrible.  It's not like I loved the job, but it did offer some kind of security.  Now, I get to make big, grown up decisions and I don't want to.  It's just another constant reminder that life isn't how it was dreamed to be for me....for us.  I want to be where God wants me, but to be frank, what the hell is taking Him so long?  I know, I know.  He doesn't work on our time table...blah, blah, blah.  I've heard it all my life, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I don't.

Dear Diary,

My dear husband....he's so miserable and nothing I do seems to help.  Yes, again, I hear your voice...it's not up to me to make him happy.  But, his unhappiness colors my world and the only color in his Crayola box is black.  There is one bright one; Corbin, but I'm saving him for later.  Anyway, Danny hurts all the time.  You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  It's all he ever thinks about.  He needs Jesus and I've come to realize that I can't be Jesus for him either.  Again, totally unrealistic expectation for me to be Jesus.  I know; it's out there.  How do I do this?  Every night when I get him in bed, when I help him turn and get comfortable, I think about it.  It's difficult not to; can I do this for the rest of my life?  It's a harsh mirror to face and I honestly don't know the answer.  He's wiped out, dry and apathetic or am I really talking about me?  Maybe it's both of us.  Aren't we fun at parties?

Dear Diary,

I'm so angry on so many levels and the difficulty is, that I have no one to be mad at or take it out on.  Diary, on a side note, please forgive me ending sentences in prepositions.  Moving on...I'm so pissed.  It's wrong, wrong, wrong.  I know.  I hear you whispering...."all things work together for the good of those who love Jesus."  My response to that is for you to see the first entry on God's timing.  Blah!  You know what always comes to my mind?  The story of Jacob and Rebecca; a true love story.  Jacob worked for SEVEN years for Rebecca, only to get short changed with Leah.  So, he worked another SEVEN years and finally got Rebecca.  Fourteen years????  Please, God, don't make me wait 14 years for my Danny to come back.  I mean, we don't live to 900 anymore.  What the crap is happening here?  Why is God seemingly silent on the big things?   I know He's given us His Word, but most of the time, I read it and it hits like a speck of dust.  Nothing moves me anymore.  I don't seem to cry anymore.  When disappointment comes, I'm expecting it.  Why should anything be easy for me?  Why am I the one that has to work so hard to get through each day?  Diary, I know I'm being selfish right now, but aren't I allowed to wallow in this sometimes?  I know it sucks for Danny and it isn't fair for Corbin, though he knows no difference, for now, at least.  It isn't what my in-laws or my parents dreamed for their kids' lives either.  It takes so many people just to execute each day and get my three people through it.  How long do we have to depend on others, to be the burden, the difficulty?  I try to take it all so I'm not asking too much of others and I lose myself in the process.  So, I'm angry.  I'm angry about things that would be wrong to speak of, much less to write to my diary.  My heart feels like it's been colored with those black crayons; it hurts, but is now constantly protected for fear of more disappointment...mostly, in myself because I can't fix any of it.

Dear Diary,

Corbin is the greatest thing since sliced bread and peanut butter.  I love that kid.  Parenting is hard and seemingly harder in this journey.  I can't figure it out although, I would reason most parents figure it out along the way.  There are so many balls in the air with many different names and sometimes, Corbin gets pushed aside even though that isn't what I want.  I just can't be everywhere at one time and I can't be everything for everybody; those expectations creep in again.  Blasted!  Corbin is five and a half years old; he won't let me forget the half.  Before I blink my eyes, he's going to be leaving this house.  I don't want to screw up as a parent for uncontrollable circumstances.  I can't fix it.  I guess I just have to live through it.  But, getting through it, is easier with Corbin.  Maybe that is why God gave him to us unexpectedly?

Dear Diary,

You don't happen to have an Easy button, do you?  Or, a couple million dollars hanging around?  That would  help too.

A few weeks ago, I happened to catch a few minutes of a television show.  Shocking, I know.  The topic discussed unconventional medicine to cure cancer.  The conventional physicians accused this other doctor of selling hope.

Selling hope?  Hope for sale?  Nonetheless, it made me think about our own experience.

Hope is powerful, but it's also free.  Sometimes just the word itself can bring about feelings that things will get better; you can take it for one more day.

Last Christmas (2009), Corbin came home proudly from preschool with a gift for me and for Danny.  We had no idea what kind of gift Corbin would pick out for us when left to his own devices.

When I opened my gift on Christmas morning, I got a big lump in my throat and tears found themselves in my eyes.

Corbin gave me a decorative cross with the word HOPE across it.

He could not grasp what that meant and still means to me.  God used my child to get me through another day and another day and another day.

That cross now hangs in my kitchen and serves as a daily reminder.

Another gentle reminder, right?

Hope has gotten me through this entire journey.  Without it, faith and love just don't work.  You can't have one without the others.

Do I feel hopeless sometimes?  Sure.  Who doesn't?  But the Word tells me a lot of things about hope.

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  Romans 8:24-25

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

"There is surely a future hope for you, and our hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18

I have no idea what God is doing.  I never thought I'd find myself here.  It is a lonely place.  I married a man who took care of me and now he cannot.  We have a beautiful son who cannot take care of himself and shouldn't have to.  I didn't want this journey.  I certainly wouldn't have asked for it.  But, as Christians, do we really think we should be free of affliction?  We're only kidding ourselves if we think being a Believer is the easy way out.  Don't you remember the path less taken?  There are those who are suffering in His name and in much more difficult situations.

I'm learning to "embrace the mysteries of God," as my good friend SB says.  So, I cling to hope. I cling to the HOPE on that Cross and every time I open or close that kitchen cabinet door, it swings in my face like a bright neon light.

Hope.  It's free.

Tomorrow will be better or at least bearable.

Yes.  A long overdue "hello" is in order.

Hello.

It's crazy.  I feel busier now than when I had a job.  How is that possible?  And, how is it going to be possible to juggle everything when a new job is thrown back in the mix?

Well, I guess I'll just have to think about that tomorrow, or when that day comes.  Won't I Scarlett?

First of all, I am so grateful to the Lord for His provision.  You know when all seems to be raining down on you and you wonder where God is and what He's up to, something happens to put it all in line.  A big reminder comes in that you know can only come from God?

Well, that is exactly what happened a couple weeks ago at the Fundraiser for Danny at our alma mater, Mt. Paran Christian School.

We showed up and got loved on.  It was overwhelming really.  I went in thinking that we might raise a couple thousand dollars, but what God did was certainly above and beyond what I could even hope or imagine.

The total was announced at $5300 and I cried.  I had no idea people would give like that.

Then, at the conclusion of the game, a new total was announced at $9300.  I squatted down on my heels and sobbed.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was going to sleep soundly.

It wasn't until the next morning that the true total came to life.  A kind couple had approached me during the game with an envelope and told me it held a donation.  I thanked them for their generosity, not knowing how much that donation held.

I put God in a box.  I limited Him and He decided to blow me away.

Our total, including change, was more than $11400.

Now, first thanks goes Mt. Paran for holding such an event, for doing what they said they'd do.  Secondly, I thank God for moving the people and I thank the people for heeding His call.

More than $6000 was written specifically to the NTAF for Danny's uninsured medical costs, which includes his participation in Beyond Therapy at Shepherd.

The remainder, we will use to cover our expenses while I search for a job and all the change filled Corbin's dinosaur bank to the brim.  Those funds go into a savings account for him.

Now, I realize I don't have to tell you what we do with the money, but at the same time, I want you to know that we want to be good stewards with the blessing.  At the same time, we decided to continue with our long, planned trip to Disney.  We did something "normal" for our family.

I will update the Gallery with pictures from the trip.

Back to God's gentle, or not so gentle reminders that He has us in His Hands....a story about Mary.

Not Mary the mother of Jesus, but Mary the single, mother of two small children.  I'm just using the name Mary to keep her anonymous.

Friends of ours started a ministry called One Need, which links those in need with those that can fulfill those needs.  It's a great way to show the love of God.  You'll hear more about One Need in days to come, but if you're local in the Atlanta area, sign up to be a "deeder" at www.oneneed.org.

We signed up to be general deeders to actually see how the system works, so we receive random emails for needs that fall into the general category.

As you can imagine, Christmas was a busy time of people with needs.  Not tooting our horns, but we read one need and Danny wanted to help.

Mary is a single mom and she needed presents for her young children for Christmas.  Well, we couldn't imagine not having a present for Corbin for Christmas.  I followed Danny's' heart and replied that we'd fill this need, even though, I have to admit, I was still feeling ugh about losing my job and fearful about filling our family's needs.

I called Mary to tell her that we'd purchased a gift for each of her children and wanted to schedule time to drop them off.  We set a time and I drove to her home by myself.

I was honestly a bit skeptical.  What if she really doesn't have this need?  What if she is making bad choices?  I am ashamed that I felt that way.

Mary's apartment was empty, lone for a sorry looking Christmas tree, and pictures of her children leaning on the walls.  No furniture. No tv. No lamps.  No kitchen table with chairs.  No kids toys. Nothing.

I was humbled.

Her small son came toddling down the stairs and his eyes lit up at the sight of the wrapped gifts.

I asked Mary if there was anything else I could do for them.

Her eyes were sad, embarrassed as she told me they needed food.

"What kind of food?"  I asked.  "Anything" was her reply.

I told her I'd get her food.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough to the safety of my car where I could let out the gut, wrenching sob creeping to my mouth.

How could I leave her there, her small son there and not give them food?

So, I shopped on Christmas Eve day at the grocery store and cried the whole way through.

Not for Mary and her kids, but what God has done for me.  I cried tears of thankfulness, for shame that I sometimes ask God 'what gives' and He answers me that He does.

And wouldn't you know, but the same amount of money I spent on Mary's groceries, was given back to me.

God is good, all the time.  Even when we doubt it.

I thank God for the gentle and not so gentle reminders of his faithfulness.

Our future is still uncertain.  It's still stressful.  I still hear the ticking clock as I look for a suitable job and try to get Corbin in the right school, or keep Danny in therapy as long as we can.

But, God is faithful and though my mind may falter in trust, my heart and my soul know it is the only Thing, we can trust.

Danny has set a goal for himself.  He wants to walk with the walker by the end of the year.  Can you help us get there, 80ft. at a time?

Business first and everything else second, third, fourth, etc....

This Friday, January 28th, Mt. Paran Christian School is holding a fundraising event for us during the Varsity games versus North Cobb Christian (5pm - 9pm).  Come out and support your Eagles and Danny's continued participation in Beyond Therapy.  We'll have the 80ft. t-shirts to sell and the school will also have collection buckets at the doors.  We'd love to see everyone there!

Okay, now the updates on all things Diaz and my random thoughts on life as we know it.

A delayed "Happy New Year" to all of you.  I know it's been some time, but honestly, I've been hiding in the dumps.  No, not literally.

Not that my life wasn't heavy enough, this whole unemployed thing just tops the cake.  To say that I've been stressed is an understatement.

I don't sleep well.  It's hard to turn off my brain.  Then, I get that heavy sensation in my chest like it's about to explode.

The pressure of being the bread winner and not doing that, is unbearable.  I don't know how you men do it.  Yes and you women too.

This past Sunday, I was fine.  Until the congregation started singing "It is Well."  I've sang that song a thousand times growing up in the church, but I couldn't even get the words out until the last chorus.

It's not always easy to push your troubles aside and tell the Lord that it's okay with you.

But, I did it.  Somewhere, maybe in my soul, it is well.  My soul doesn't know my thoughts, my fears and my inability to fix everything.  My soul is untouched by the thoughts in my head.  My soul communes with the Spirit and thankfully, the Spirit talks to Jesus for me when my mouth can't get the words out.

To say things are great, easy, wonderful and hunky dory would be false.  But, I think it's that way for a lot of people.

I started taking a Crossroads Career class at my church.  There are folks in there that have been out of work for more than one year.  I can't bear that and pray that won't be me.

Danny has been doing great things in therapy.  More on that momentarily.  But, why don't these things make a difference in my feelings?  I'm empty in many ways; just sucked dry.

Does anyone else feel this way and is that normal?

Okay, I can't take this train of thought any more and I'm sure you want to know what Danny has been able to accomplish.

First of all, we ventured up to his parent's cabin in north Georgia over the holidays.  It has not been modified yet for Danny's access, but when we got there, he wanted to go up the stairs and inside the place.

So, he walked with no walker, just us, to the bottom of the steps, climbed 12 steps and then used his walker to go into the cabin and then sit in the recliner. 

Corbin exclaimed, "Look, Daddy!  You're walking all by yourself."  Once Danny was seated, we all started crying tears of joy.  And, his dad was so excited, he doubled the strength of the coffee!

Danny also has had both his best days walking over ground and also on the manual treadmill.  A couple weeks ago, Danny walked the length of the gymnasium using his walker with no assistance.  He has struggled with getting his knees straight with each step and for some reason, that day, he had no problems.  He even remembered to tell me about it.

Also, this week, he was able to walk on the treadmill with no one helping with his steps and only minimal assistance stabilizing his hips.

All fantastic news and we're so happy and look forward to the day when all those movements click consistently to make Danny a strong and independent walker.

I know this posting is rather jumbled together, but I guess that is reflective of my life right now.

I'm so busy with so many things.

I am searching for a new career and trying to figure out what that is.  I'm taking and picking Corbin up from school everyday and having him in the afternoons.  I'm working to get Corbin into a private school which was going to be hard before I lost my job, but now the financial aid is even more imperative, so I'm busy getting all the paperwork together and submitted.  We're also going on a trip that we'd planned back in October in the next couple of weeks, so I'm preparing for that because it's an undertaking to travel with all of us.  The doctor says I need to exercise cause it'll help all these symptoms I'm experiencing.  And, in the back of my head is the golf tournament that I have to make a decision on....maybe you can help me.

Do you think we should have the golf tournament again or should we plan another type of fundraising event?

Leave your answer in the comments section.  FYI, all comments are moderated by me and have to be approved prior to their publication.

So, I'm off to do the things I should be doing.  If only I could figure out where to start.

So, I'm overwhelmed.

It feels like I can't do anything right for anyone.  Oops!  Am I a people pleaser?  I don't think so.

However, with so much on my plate and so many hats to wear, it doesn't feel like I'm wearing any of them well today.

Corbin woke up in a mood.  Nothing was right and he complained about it all.

I don't like buttons on my shirt.

Blue is not my favorite color.

I don't know how to brush my teeth.

These shoes are too tight.

This coat is too tight on my arms.

My right ear isn't covered.

This coat is too big for my seat.

I don't like Superheros.

It didn't end and I found myself very frustrated especially in light of losing my job.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving and talking to my mom on my cell phone (don't judge me) on my way to pick up Corbin from a play date.  As I progressed through the intersection, I noticed a man stood on the sidewalk.  He was dressed in jeans and had tucked in his t-shirt.  His hair was combed and he held a sign.

It was what was written on the sign and what was written on his face that stopped me in mid-sentence.

"Will do any work for food.  Have a big family." read the sign.

But, his face conveyed more.  He was completely humbled.  Desperate.  Willing to do anything, even stand on the corner with a sign, to feed his family.

I got choked up.  Honestly, I have a hard time knowing who is really in need and who is faking it.  But, inside my heart, I knew he was for real.

Not only did this man give me an insight as to what Danny must feel as a husband and father, but what our heavenly Father did/does for us.

So, when Corbin complains and I get so frustrated because I  know how blessed he is, I wonder if that is how God hears us too.

And, I'm humbled and desperate.

Humbled, knowing that I am so blessed, no matter the circumstances.

Desperate to listen to Him and to stay in His plan.

Knowing the Father does not give us a free pass or a Get Out of Jail Free card.

But, in the end, I know beyond doubt, that "all things work together for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus."

I'm scared.  I'm tired of not knowing the where the end is or answers to the many questions.  I'm tired of feeling totally responsible for all of it.

And, I could go on, but my faith gets me through.

It's a hard day, but I've survived harder days by His grace.

It's an uncertain time, but we've survived worse uncertainty by His mercy.

It's a lonely day, but I'm safe and not alone through His Love.

I feel hopeless, but know in my mind, that there is always hope.

I'm confused, but know that He is not the author of it, but is every Answer.

I'm in the dark, but He brings the Light.

And, at the end of this day, I'll be okay.  We have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, warm beds to sleep in, and each other.

Tomorrow, I'll get up again.

But, this week, I've joined a club of thousands of people.

I lost my job.

Yes, my heart is pounding as I type this.  A deep breath is necessary and I'm trying not to write a good old fashioned pity party right now.

The fact is I have a choice.

We all do.  Everyday.

Should I have the Krispy Kreme doughnut or have oatmeal instead?  Do I let Corbin watch Scooby Doo or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?  Do I take the easy way out and order pizza?  Do I stay with my injured husband and fight to the death for my family?

Do I wallow in my fear or continue to trust God?

Choices.

I hate making grown up choices sometimes.  I wish all I had to worry about was what I wanted my mommy to pack for my snack.

But, that is obviously impossible.  You can't go back and skip it.

So, I can't go back and keep my job.  I can't go back and skip Danny's accident.

First, I give thanks.  Thanks to the Lord for this company that gave me back my job when Danny got hurt and we never had a lapse in health insurance. Thanks that I was able to keep my job and they were flexible with my crazy, hectic schedule.  Thank you that I was blessed to work from home for the last eight months.  Thank you for a reasonable severance package to help keep the fear at bay for some time.  It has been exactly what we needed.

But, now, opportunity hasn't just knocked, it's blown down the door.  It wasn't my choice to be let go from my job, but it is my choice what I do about it.

God has opened a new door and at the right time.  I probably would have continued on the same path because it was enough.

I choose to be still and know He is God.  I choose to listen to His direction, His placement of where my new career will be and how to get there.

Am I scared?  Of course!  I wouldn't be human if I wasn't scared a little bit.

For now, I rest knowing that we'll have a roof over our head, food in our bellies and each other.  And, when it all comes down, that is all that matters anyway.

How you can help?

First of all, pray for us.  For the right job and the assurance of peace in the direction to take.  For Danny and his time in Beyond Therapy.  For funding for him to continue.  For provision of all our needs.

Secondly, if you know of a position that may be of interest or know someone looking to fill a position, email me at dannyandallison@hotmail.com.

Lastly, pray for this club that I'm now a part of.  There are so many people without jobs and are in much worse situations than us.

To be able to hear Corbin laugh and to have Danny with us, to have a beautiful home and our needs met, we are blessed.

Now, go pray before I get scared again.

Danny is officially back at Shepherd and Beyond Therapy.  We've started with only 6 hours weekly; two hours, three days a week. Danny is responsible for the extra time he would have been with a therapist (BT maxes out at 9 hours a week).

It a new start for him in many ways.

Our beloved Candy, Super Therapist, has moved onto another facility in another state and we wish her the best!  Her shoes can never be filled, but Shepherd has placed another set of shoes in the closet.

Melissa was under big scrutiny from us because we absolutely adore Candy.  And, while Melissa is different, she is quite effective with Danny and he's definitely warmed up to her which I'm thankful for.

It is good to get a new set of eyes on Danny's current abilities and to have a new perspective on Danny's care.

Danny had to be re-evaluated prior to his start last week.  November 2nd vs. three + years ago has made a big difference.

They were able to measure/test some of Danny's strengths/mobility now that they were not able to when he first started BT in June 2007.

You have to recall that at that time, Danny couldn't even stand and bear his own weight, or push his own wheelchair.  Now, he can walk with a walker with assistance, sit on the side of the mat without support and stand for minutes at a time while holding a bar.  He can leg press more than 100lbs. with each leg, one at a time.  They actually put him on the bench press to see how it'd go; however, with his right arm being significantly stronger, the press was quite one sided.

Yesterday, they worked on mat table exercises; swinging his own legs on/off the table, rolling over and coming up to a sitting position.  He mentioned his abs were sore this morning and I have to say "good!"

I'm so glad to have Danny back at Beyond Therapy.  There is such a difference in him and his spirit when he is there and challenging himself.

But, to be very honest, the lingering pressure in my chest is I'm not sure how long we can keep him there.  As with most people these days, money is tight to say the least and no one is really giving.

I'm nervous.

Danny needs to be there.  Watch the video and you'll see and hear what the professionals say.  Danny has broken the mold.  He is reinventing the wheel.  He is not the typical survivor story.  He is more.

I can only contribute that to God and the work He is doing.  I can only believe that for some reason, we have to go through the process of healing, rather than embracing a radical miracle.

It's for us, not doubt.  Growth. Maturity. Development of faith and knowledge.

But, I believe it's more than just us.  It's you too.

You can be a part of this.  No matter if you read this message and just pray, or if you give financially to keep Danny moving at Shepherd, you are a part of it.  And, it's big.

Be the drop in the water that starts the ripple effect.

Do something.  Be active.  Be the hands and feet of Christ.  Go. Get back in the saddle.

Nine years ago today, Danny and I were married.

Nine years ago, it was a crisp October day, with bright blue skies.

Today, it is a warm, humid October day, with cloudy gray, raining skies.

Nine years ago, our families and friends were celebrating with us; toasting to our lives together. There was laughter, dancing, tears of joy and tenderness.

Today, we will celebrate by ourselves. There will be laughter and tears, but probably not any dancing.

There is a stark contrast to what was and what is.

So, where did the journey begin?

Did it begin in middle school when we first met? Did it begin after college when he first kissed me or when we got engaged? Did it happen on our wedding day or on August 16th, 2005 with 80ft.?

I get asked regularly what 80ft means. Literally, it was the distance of Danny’s skid mark where he tried to stop.

Figuratively, it means so much more.

80ft. marked the end of one life and the start of a new journey.

There is still a stark difference.

One journey, we chose and this one that started with 80ft, we didn’t.

The only thing we choose with this new life is to still do it together.

It certainly isn’t perfect, but it’s still ours. Only ours. There is no one else there at night when the thoughts become louder with the stillness of the dark. There is no one else that hears our deepest, hardest confessions.

It’s ours and it isn’t perfect, but what remains is that like when our original, planned journey began; I was the girl he chose and he was the boy that I chose.

Eventually, the clouds will pull apart like cotton and the bright blue sky will be revealed; like God’s hand pulling back the veil on the masterpiece of our lives.

God, let me find peace and trust in your craftsmanship.

Meet Audrey, as in Hepburn.  She is our newest child and thankfully, the hairiest one too.  Audrey is a Goldendoodle and when she came home to us last week, was 12 weeks old.  She's going to be a big girl, about 70lbs. and she doesn't shed.  Praise the Lord!

It was kind of planned, but unplanned too.  I had contacted this breeder more than a month ago when they still had three puppies left, surprisingly.  However, between school starting, my parents visiting, etc., I just never got back in touch with them.

Danny and I actually got a day to ourselves and so I wrote them again to see if we could come meet the puppies, but they'd all been adopted already.  Audrey and her brother, the last two, were to be picked up that very weekend.

I wrote it off and figured we'd try again next year.  Most of the time, this breed of dog is spoken for before they are even born.

But, then the breeder called me and said the adoption for Audrey had fallen through and asked if we would like to come and meet her.

We did and the first thing she did was crawl up in Danny's lap and lay there like a baby, on her back.

He was hooked and I think she was too.

It's been an interesting week and a half for me having a dog in the house.

It isn't like it has been before when we had a backyard.

Condo living is different and so she's learning to cross her legs until we get outside to the pee pee area and how to sit in the elevator so as not to offend the non-pet people in the building.

Corbin likes her to ride with us to school in the mornings and so do his teachers.

She is quite obedient for a puppy; already sitting, laying down and we're working on staying.

My goal is to get her trained to help Danny with some things.  We got a couple recommendations already for some good trainers that will come to us.

Audrey's first vet appointment was great, but next week, she gets her third round of shots and I swear I've been to PetSmart half a dozen times already.

Corbin just called Audrey his best friend.  Oh, so cute!  A boy and his dog; nothing like it.

Then, Danny starts talking about how he thinks that she is his favorite dog he has ever had.

Well, Ms. Audrey, it didn't take you too long to wrap my boys around that big paw of yours.  And, I've got to admit, it's nice to have a girl around the house.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Sit down and make a list.  A list?  What?

My parents are visiting and after sharing some strides that Danny is making, my mom said we should make a list of everything we used to have to do for Danny that we don't anymore.

Talk about an altar of remembrance.

We used to.....

...move Danny's limbs for him to help him keep his range of motion.  He still required an Achilles tendon release surgery for both ankles.

...feed him through a feeding tube.  We had to have it replaced four times for various reasons; some just got clogged, some exploded.  He would be hooked up to it during the night and every four seconds it would pump it.  Danny's lowest weight was 158lbs. He doesn't look sick anymore.

...clean Danny's ears, nose and clean the thrush out of his mouth.  And, watch out for his bite reflex as he got my finger one time.  When Danny was fed through the tube, it was because he couldn't control anything in his mouth and he'd choke, resulting in aspiration and pneumonia.  It was serious.  We couldn't even give him water or let him suck on a sponge; nothing.  So, his mouth was nasty; coated in thick, stringy yuck.  I couldn't stand it for him and I would use two toothbrushes to try to clean it all out as best as I could.

...change his diapers and all that goes with it.  I think we're past that time long enough now that I can also tell you that we used to have to do a bowel program.  It brings a whole new meaning to intimacy in marriage.

...hook Danny up to an oxygen mask and take all his vitals nightly.

...restrain his right hand (the left one didn't move) to keep him from pulling out his feeding tube, his catheter or pinching the fire out of your arm.

...transfer him in/out of bed/wheelchair many times a day using a hoyer lift.

...wake up with Danny at most every three hours to turn him in bed.  We used many pillows to position him because he couldn't hold himself in any way.

... feed him.  Then, once he could feed himself, we had to regulate his bites, the size and frequency.

...shave Danny's face, shower him and get him dressed.  To get him dressed, we had to put him back in bed (hoyer lift) and turn him back and forth to pull things up and down depending.  This is also what we had to do if we needed to change his diaper; back into bed and the rolling back and forth, all the while being careful not to let him grab you with his right hand or perhaps he might bite, like he did his poor mom.  This always took two people.

...load him in and tie his chair down in the big conversion van.  The van that he couldn't see anything but the ground because he sat so high.  Thank God, we can ride in a car now.

...put him in the standing frame.  He wasn't always very cooperative about it either.

I could go on with the list, but it's late.  I just tucked my baby boy in bed and I hear the dominoes being stirred next door for the regular tournament; they are Cubans, remember?  Danny will be home soon, hopefully victorious and hopefully having used his left hand to play his turn.  Like Dr. Kaelin says in the new video, if you don't use it, you lose it and one day, I'd like to add to this list that we used to "tie Danny's right arm down so he had to use his left," but we don't have to anymore.

You'll have to forgive me.

Yes, I know we just passed the 5th anniversary of Danny's accident.  I was there, remember?

Where was my anniversary post?  I didn't write one.  I didn't reflect too much either.

I guess I'm beginning to look forward, to plan for beyond.

Whatever philosophical crap that means, right?

Honestly, the anniversary was pretty uneventful or maybe I've just become apathetic to it.  I was rather indifferent emotionally.  I'm not even sure I cried.

It is what it is.  Nothing I can do about it.

I was somewhere in the middle of being down in the dumps and celebrating Danny's life.  I guess that may be normal at this point.

Things have been a bit crazier than our crazy normal.

How is that possible?  Well, Danny's assistant resigned after three years with us.

That will always throw a wrench in your plans.  So we had to take some time to adjust, seriously.  At first, I was a very upset girl, but about 10 days afterwards, I realized there seemed to be a shift in Danny.

He was happier.

I also noticed that maybe having JC for three years, doing the same job became a bit of a crutch for Danny, for us.

Thankfully, at the end of July, we went to see Dr. Kaelin.  He was very delighted with Danny's progress and we're happy that Danny has started back at Shepherd Pathways.

Pathways is Shepherd's outpatient brain injury facility.  The last time Danny was there was 2006.  Things have changed since then and that is a big understatement.

I'm hoping with Danny's added occupational therapy, he will work on ways to do things more for himself.  It's perfect timing for us since we're trying to figure out the whole caregiver issue.

Danny fell again.  I told you it's been crazier than our crazy.

He and his mom fell in our exercise room here at our condos while transferring back into his wheelchair.  Yes, he hit his head.  Thankfully, there was a lady in there too who promptly called for help.  I was upstairs and flew down when Loida called me.  Overall, we were very blessed as it could have been worse.  Danny's head just has more character now.

Corbin started school this week and loves it.  He is one of the oldest in his class and one of the tallest.  I swear that kid has grown two inches this summer.

I finally got my allergy testing completed.  It took so long because I was not healthy enough to take it and now I know why.  I was tested for 36 allergens and I responded positively to 23 of them.  Nice odds.  Although I have a mild reaction, because I have so many, my body never gets a break.  They also asked if I was under stress as that can trigger allergic reactions.  Me?  None whatsoever, right?  So, next week I pick up my new immunotherapy medicines and hopefully, we can move past this yuck.

I am most excited though that I received the video this week.  I'm trying to figure out how to load it and where to put it on the site so keep checking back often.

Also, I'm going to throw so pictures up in the gallery this weekend.  At least, that is my plan and we know what happens to the best laid plans, right?

Until next time, folks, register for the golf tournament.  It's going to be the best one yet!