Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Sit down and make a list.  A list?  What?

My parents are visiting and after sharing some strides that Danny is making, my mom said we should make a list of everything we used to have to do for Danny that we don't anymore.

Talk about an altar of remembrance.

We used to.....

...move Danny's limbs for him to help him keep his range of motion.  He still required an Achilles tendon release surgery for both ankles.

...feed him through a feeding tube.  We had to have it replaced four times for various reasons; some just got clogged, some exploded.  He would be hooked up to it during the night and every four seconds it would pump it.  Danny's lowest weight was 158lbs. He doesn't look sick anymore.

...clean Danny's ears, nose and clean the thrush out of his mouth.  And, watch out for his bite reflex as he got my finger one time.  When Danny was fed through the tube, it was because he couldn't control anything in his mouth and he'd choke, resulting in aspiration and pneumonia.  It was serious.  We couldn't even give him water or let him suck on a sponge; nothing.  So, his mouth was nasty; coated in thick, stringy yuck.  I couldn't stand it for him and I would use two toothbrushes to try to clean it all out as best as I could.

...change his diapers and all that goes with it.  I think we're past that time long enough now that I can also tell you that we used to have to do a bowel program.  It brings a whole new meaning to intimacy in marriage.

...hook Danny up to an oxygen mask and take all his vitals nightly.

...restrain his right hand (the left one didn't move) to keep him from pulling out his feeding tube, his catheter or pinching the fire out of your arm.

...transfer him in/out of bed/wheelchair many times a day using a hoyer lift.

...wake up with Danny at most every three hours to turn him in bed.  We used many pillows to position him because he couldn't hold himself in any way.

... feed him.  Then, once he could feed himself, we had to regulate his bites, the size and frequency.

...shave Danny's face, shower him and get him dressed.  To get him dressed, we had to put him back in bed (hoyer lift) and turn him back and forth to pull things up and down depending.  This is also what we had to do if we needed to change his diaper; back into bed and the rolling back and forth, all the while being careful not to let him grab you with his right hand or perhaps he might bite, like he did his poor mom.  This always took two people.

...load him in and tie his chair down in the big conversion van.  The van that he couldn't see anything but the ground because he sat so high.  Thank God, we can ride in a car now.

...put him in the standing frame.  He wasn't always very cooperative about it either.

I could go on with the list, but it's late.  I just tucked my baby boy in bed and I hear the dominoes being stirred next door for the regular tournament; they are Cubans, remember?  Danny will be home soon, hopefully victorious and hopefully having used his left hand to play his turn.  Like Dr. Kaelin says in the new video, if you don't use it, you lose it and one day, I'd like to add to this list that we used to "tie Danny's right arm down so he had to use his left," but we don't have to anymore.

You'll have to forgive me.

Yes, I know we just passed the 5th anniversary of Danny's accident.  I was there, remember?

Where was my anniversary post?  I didn't write one.  I didn't reflect too much either.

I guess I'm beginning to look forward, to plan for beyond.

Whatever philosophical crap that means, right?

Honestly, the anniversary was pretty uneventful or maybe I've just become apathetic to it.  I was rather indifferent emotionally.  I'm not even sure I cried.

It is what it is.  Nothing I can do about it.

I was somewhere in the middle of being down in the dumps and celebrating Danny's life.  I guess that may be normal at this point.

Things have been a bit crazier than our crazy normal.

How is that possible?  Well, Danny's assistant resigned after three years with us.

That will always throw a wrench in your plans.  So we had to take some time to adjust, seriously.  At first, I was a very upset girl, but about 10 days afterwards, I realized there seemed to be a shift in Danny.

He was happier.

I also noticed that maybe having JC for three years, doing the same job became a bit of a crutch for Danny, for us.

Thankfully, at the end of July, we went to see Dr. Kaelin.  He was very delighted with Danny's progress and we're happy that Danny has started back at Shepherd Pathways.

Pathways is Shepherd's outpatient brain injury facility.  The last time Danny was there was 2006.  Things have changed since then and that is a big understatement.

I'm hoping with Danny's added occupational therapy, he will work on ways to do things more for himself.  It's perfect timing for us since we're trying to figure out the whole caregiver issue.

Danny fell again.  I told you it's been crazier than our crazy.

He and his mom fell in our exercise room here at our condos while transferring back into his wheelchair.  Yes, he hit his head.  Thankfully, there was a lady in there too who promptly called for help.  I was upstairs and flew down when Loida called me.  Overall, we were very blessed as it could have been worse.  Danny's head just has more character now.

Corbin started school this week and loves it.  He is one of the oldest in his class and one of the tallest.  I swear that kid has grown two inches this summer.

I finally got my allergy testing completed.  It took so long because I was not healthy enough to take it and now I know why.  I was tested for 36 allergens and I responded positively to 23 of them.  Nice odds.  Although I have a mild reaction, because I have so many, my body never gets a break.  They also asked if I was under stress as that can trigger allergic reactions.  Me?  None whatsoever, right?  So, next week I pick up my new immunotherapy medicines and hopefully, we can move past this yuck.

I am most excited though that I received the video this week.  I'm trying to figure out how to load it and where to put it on the site so keep checking back often.

Also, I'm going to throw so pictures up in the gallery this weekend.  At least, that is my plan and we know what happens to the best laid plans, right?

Until next time, folks, register for the golf tournament.  It's going to be the best one yet!

In the majority of my schooling, in those memories, there is a face that jumps in the pictures of my mind along the way.

Danny.

We used to flirt; a bunch.  Nothing more than flirting; laughing, play fighting, hugging, teasing.  The thing is, in all those memories, Danny had a smile on his face.  He is always laughing and there is a brightness in his eyes.

However, in the last five years, those eyes have changed along with my memories.  My heart is broken and longs for that man with the light in his eyes; the laughter in his voice.

Today, in the misty, humid rain, looking out the windows from the vantage of our building, I miss the love of my life.

Life means something else now.

There was a sermon given in church a few Wednesdays ago and while Danny was in choir practice, I sat alone in the back.  The message was about our God planted desire to live an extraordinary life; one that means something and is more exciting than the normal.  We, as Christians, want to make our life mean something, to make an impression that remains when we're gone.

Am I wrong to desire the normal, the ordinary?  Living in this dimension, I long to walk 'under the radar.'

I want the middle class American dream.  I don't want to be an example.

Your admiration, your compliments, your comments on my strength, will and faith, well, they are nice to hear, but I'd trade them for that man with the bright eyes to be back in my life.  I would trade them for Danny to be that joyful again.

I've been fighting for him in a battle that is bigger than me and I recognize that.  It's a battle that has no end, and this warrior is weary.

That hot guy with the laughing face, he always picked me up. He was my constant, my loyal friend, my confidant and always reliable.  He comforted and made me feel good about myself.  He somehow, knew the words to say, the way to put his arm around me and hug me without making me second guess his intentions.  He protected me and in many ways, always loved me though that love has matured and changed through the years.  Where did he go?  I've been robbed. My heart was taken when Danny's laughter was silenced, when his eyes blanked out.

Five years is a long time to wait for life to begin again.  How do we build it; the new life?  What decisions do we make and how do we get excited to live again?  How can we make it back to ordinary?  How do we come back home?

I'm not sure what I'm wanting to say to you.

I guess I'll just start rambling and see where that takes me.

Changes are good sometimes.  They bring to you to new places where you can meet new people and try new things.

Other times, changes suck.  Let's be honest.  The changes in my body after Corbin and now that I'm past the 30 year mark, aren't so great.

But, I love my red hair.  That was a fun change.

Sometimes changes are tough, yet once your in the midst of the change or after the change is over, you realize that it was a good one.

Maybe that is where we are now.

It was our plan to keep Danny in Beyond Therapy until he walked right on out of there.  But, sometimes in order to execute plans, you have to have the money to do so.  And, we didn't.  So, we're taking the break from therapy, but I'm thankful that it really did come at the best time, it seems.  I'm thankful that Danny is walking with the walker with one of us.  At a minimum, he can work on walking all day long.  I'm just glad this unexpected break didn't come before Danny could walk with one of us; when he really  needed the therapists.

Not saying he doesn't still need physical therapy.  He does.  He still has a long way to go, but there are things he can do in the meantime to make some strides, minus a certified physical therapist.

Danny is finding that he can do it on his own and that is truly a change that is to be celebrated.

All of us find ourselves not quite up to par in certain areas of our lives.  Danny hasn't really felt up to par in any area of his life in a long time and seeing him execute his exercise regimen and feeling good about it; well, it's just a nice change to see him feel cautiously good about himself.

A personal feeling of accomplishment can go a long way.  I hope it takes him all the way.

I believe in him.  Our families believe in him.  His therapists believe in him.  And, I think, Danny is learning that he can believe in himself.  It's rewarding, not just to him, but to us as well because we love him.

I'm proud of him.  I know that I write mostly about the hard parts of this journey; about the differences in my Dannys and how that translates into our new life.  But, among those realities is the reality that it's hard to be Danny.  I'm not saying that it isn't hard to be me, but I'm not the one sitting in the chair.  I'm not the one that is still sitting in the chair after almost three years of intensive therapy.  And, for him to keep going even though he really doesn't have another option (cause I don't give him one), is admirable.

He called me today from Shepherd.  He was eating lunch, feeding himself when he saw a husband having to feed his paralyzed wife.  Sometimes, gratitude slams you in the face and reminds you that it could be so much worse.  And, that is what happened to Danny today.  I'm glad it did.

Sometimes, he gets so enveloped with his own disability, that he can't even see anyone else's hardships.  There are times when the disability is all that has power in our lives, power that he gives it.  He tends to look through his life through foggy, black glasses with everything based on his disability.  It's frustrating.  It hurts my feelings sometimes because I feel like we (me and Corbin) should be enough for life to not be as bad as he imagines it to be.  But, still, he only sees the disability and I hate that.

So, for him to understand for even a moment that he has it better than someone else is progress in a whole new way.

I pray for Danny's faith; the root of his recovery.  With his faith firmly planted in the rich soil of God's Word and His promises, Danny will be restored.  Faith will change his mind, and his mind will change his body.

There is nothing I have like the Lord.  Although I write about not feeling Him, I still know He is there.  Even though I may not hear His voice, I know He is there.  Even though, confusion and fear creeps in, I will trust Him.  For in all the earth and all of heaven, He is the only one who has never left me, nor forsaken me.  God is the rope I cling to.  I believe, Lord.  Help my unbelief.

Change in our spiritual journeys are important too. We learn things about ourselves and about the Lord that we may never have known if we weren't stretched.

Welcome to a new chapter in the journey.  Let's hope it's a good one; a change that is.

Updates first.  Thoughts second.

Well, as for me and my house, we're still surviving infection/allergies or avoiding it, like Danny, thankfully.

Corbin had his post op appointment and the good news is that the tubes are still there, still open and his hearing is normal.  However, he can't shake this congestive cough and runny nose.  It doesn't seem to bother him, but honestly, it bothers me.  He shouldn't be hacking up junk for six months; there is something very wrong with that.  I mentioned this still lingering annoyance to the doctor who suggested we check his adenoids.  There are two ways to do this; scope or X-ray.  Considering my recent and very memorable moments with scopes up the nose, we decided to go with the less intrusive X-ray.  It still took me 20 minutes to convince Corbin that nothing was going to touch him and it wasn't going to hurt.  Thankfully, the adenoids look normal; however, what the h%^l is going on with my kid?  Can't someone please help him?  The doctor's suggestion is to take him to have allergy tests performed.  You know how they do that for a four year old?  The same prickly way they do it for adults; many little shots.  If I can't get Corbin to lay still for an X-ray, how the heck am I going to get him to be still for allergy testing?  Does anyone have any Valium I could borrow?

As for me, well, I finally have a week off of getting my face suctioned out and not really because I don't need it, but because my ENT is relaxing with his family on the beaches of western Mexico.  I'm glad my surgery and weekly visits can help ease your stress, Doctor.  At my last visit before he started lathering on his sunscreen, he still had junk to pull out of my sinuses.  According to him, it was still pretty colorful and he was not happy about it.  He did say, though, that my sinuses look the best he's ever seen them.  However, the crusties still needed to be taken care of.  So, another prescription to add to my ever growing list; some cream I have to swab in my nostrils twice a day.  You don't want to get too much in there though cause it really burns going down the back of your throat.  Nonetheless, I'm glad I don't have to see him this week.  He's a nice man, but seriously, the specialist co-pays are killing me, not to mention all the instruments he somehow gets up in my face.  He's like the clown car at the circus; let's count how many things we can get up Allison's nose at one time!

Danny has seemingly escaped this extensive round of whatever kind of germs we keep sharing.  I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm so thankful.  Although, Danny is going through some changes of his own.  We're taking a break from Beyond Therapy.  I know.  Whoa.

Honestly, what brought on the talk of a break, is that donations are way down and we still owe for April and May.  Secondly, Danny has gone nonstop for almost three years.  Everyone needs a break, but the concern is that he'll digress and lose some ground that he's gained.  We talked extensively as a couple and with our families and decided that it was time to step back, let it go for a bit and get back in when donations pick back up, hopefully.  Danny, understandably, was a bit apprehensive about it, but understood why it was a good time; donations down, change in insurance companies and with a break comes a defining moment for him personally.  Can he do it on his own?  Can he find the motivation within himself to work hard?  Can he fight discouragement, distraction and defeat to push through and progress?  Can he prove it to himself that he CAN do it?

The Beyond Therapy group has become like a family to us and certainly friends.  They've supported us throughout, never wavering.  They got after Danny when he needed it and praised him when he needed that.  They push him to do things he thinks himself incapable of and he succeeds.  And, although, Danny will still be heading down to exercise on his own (the therapists built him an exercise program), he won't have their undivided attention.  He won't have that social interaction that he's come to love.  So what do we add to Danny's daily life to take it's place?  Work.  Not exercise, but therapeutic work.  That thing that Dr. M, the neuro-psychologist, was talking about back in January.

Amazingly, Danny still has a mind for construction and mechanics; that knowledge was not lost when he was injured.  Obviously, though, he doesn't have the ability to build decks and customize motorcycles right now.  So, let's bring it down to a smaller level, right?  Danny is going to try his hand at building birdhouses and window boxes.  I'm not sure how this is going to work, but I'm hopeful that not only will it give Danny something to do outside of therapy and home, but it will also work his brain and hands (the left hand/arm is weakest) therapeutically.  He's not going to be great at it at first and I don't care if we sell them at all, but I want Danny to feel productive.  Right now, he just feels like a burden, but if he is creating something, building something relatively on his own, I believe he will have a visual assurance that he has accomplished something.  I hope that makes him feel good about himself because he definitely needs that.  We all do.  I will be doing this alongside him, of course and I'm kind of excited to do something creative.  I miss being creative.  And, just maybe, doing this together, will bring us closer and build something new in our relationship.

That leads me to my thoughts.  Thoughts I'm apprehensive to share; to put out here in Cyberspace.  Thoughts that do not match the way I present myself publicly.  I'm not sure if that makes me hypocritical, but I certainly hope not.

I put on my happy face.  I stay busy with the things that need to be done and that leaves little time to really be honest with myself.  If I stay busy, then I don't have to deal with reality.  But, the truth is that I'm broken, unhappy, apathetic, and just sad.  I can't seem to shake it.  I listen to worship music and that seems to take it away, but it isn't long before it creeps back on me like an annoying mosquito, sucking the life out of me.

I miss myself.  I'm not sure where she went.  She is mother, she is wife, but she is Caregiver, cleaner, laundry doer and employee.  She is taxi driver and grocery shopper.  She has to be everything to everyone else, but herself.  I know there are other wives and mothers that may feel that way, but if it were a competition, and it's not, I think I'd be a top contender for the most lost.  I know I have to take time for myself.  Blah, blah, blah.  If you only knew what has to happen for some alone time to take place.

I'm not sure God sees me.  Does he see my hurt?  Can he look in my heart and see it's wounds; some fresh and some scarred?  Does he want to relieve my pain?  Does he want to restore my husband and thus restore my family?  And, if he wants to, what is he waiting for?  I would give it to him.  I would find a way to make it happen, but the most frustrating thing is that no matter how many loads of laundry I do, no matter how clean my house is or how stocked the fridge is, no matter how much money I make or how many donations we get, no matter how many hours we spend in therapy, I still feel stuck in the same hell, just a different day.

Where is God?  I know I'm having my own personal pity party right now, so if you want to excuse yourself, feel free to close this window and move on.  But, where is He?  I rarely find him.  I know he is there because he tells me so in His Word, but I don't feel him.  In fact, I feel kind of abandoned.  Just being honest.  I know when donations come in and the money is somehow there to pay bills, He is the Provider.  I know that He is in Corbin's smile and that is a gift to me.  I know He gave us our home and all our many blessings.  I know he is in our families for their undying support and yet, I still feel alone.  My head knows the truth, but my heart feels otherwise.

I look in the mirror, but only briefly.  I don't want to address the pain there in my eyes.  I can see it.  Can you?  I find myself pushing people away from helping us because I don't want to be let down when they disappear anyway, when they get overwhelmed by the magnitude of our lives.  I know it's a lot and I don't like to ask people to carry it; it's too much to put on someone else.  My feelings are hurt and I've begun to put up walls to protect myself.  Most of all, I've put up walls between me and Danny.

New Danny has hurt my feelings; many times and for a long time.  I've said things before on here that I'm sure I don't really need to repeat, but perhaps for my own therapy, I should.  Danny doesn't hurt my feelings all the time; it's a roller coaster.  We'll be going along slow and steady, and then the ground falls out from under us and my wall goes back up.  I know Danny is frustrated and unhappy; it's understandable.  But, no matter the reason, brain injury or not, I don't want to be on the receiving end of that frustration.  And, I certainly, don't want Corbin to see or experience that either.  But, it happens.  And, I don't know what to do.

I know that there is enormous pressure on our relationship.  I know that Satan wants there to be; God' Word says he is a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  I'm sure Satan would like to just gobble up our marriage, but I don't want to let that happen.  Yet, at some point, I feel like I have to stop blaming Satan for Danny's bad behavior.  I have to hold Danny responsible.  If I do that though, if I chalk it up to Danny's choices, then we have serious problems.  And, I don't know how to handle that.  We need counseling.  I need counseling, but before you go calling the suicide Hotline on me, I assure you, I'm not suicidal.  Just wanted to confirm that before I wrote anymore.

So, we need counseling, but then my mind gets all confused again.  Where do we go for counseling?  Shepherd, where they have knowledge of brain injuries?  Well, then we won't get a spiritual aspect to our situation and as Christians, I feel we need that perspective.  So, if we go to a Christian counselor, are they equipped and experienced in dealing with people with brain injuries?  Will Danny even benefit from counseling since he has trouble remembering things?  And, when are we going to go to said counseling?  Hmmmm, maybe this is what the break time is for.  Plus, we'd have to pay for counseling and where am I going to find room in the budget (ha, ha) for that?  Therefore, I do nothing, but wait for things to get better, and then they do, but then I'm waiting for the loopty-loop again, stacking bricks for my wall.

I think part of my hurt is that, wait for it cause here it comes, I don't feel important enough to Danny for him to consistently choose to be the husband I need him to be for me.  At least, that is how my heart seems to be interpreting it.  I've told him a thousand times and a thousand different ways what I need from him and it's not to walk or have a job; those are his expectations of what a husband is to be.  I expect kindness, tenderness, patience, love, consideration, and respect.  And, none of those things can only come when he walks again because they come from the heart.  However, if he doesn't have the biological ability to think before he speaks or acts, can I hold him accountable?  Is that even fair to have that expectation?

This isn't the life I want for us.  This isn't the marriage I want for us.  This isn't the relationship I want our son to see and think alright because it isn't.  But, I don't know how to fix it and I'm waiting for God to do it and it doesn't seem to be that He is.  So, I go back to my question.  Where is God in this mess?  The spiritual me is fighting the human me and my brain is really tired.  I'm tired.  I don't want this anymore and my heart is screaming for something to change.  And, yet, it doesn't.  It's just another day.  Another day that Corbin gets older and notices more, is aware of it more and thus has to deal with it as a mere four year old boy.  The mama bear in me wants to shield him from that; to protect him and yet, I'm not sure I can and I hate myself for that.  Those feelings make me second guess my decision to stand by my man and yet, in the darkest recesses of my heart, my head and my soul, I do feel the Lord's prodding.  "Don't give up.  Press on.  Ask and you shall receive.  I will restore."

So, what's He waiting for?  I think He's waiting on Danny to give up Danny's own will and to want nothing more than to fulfill God's purpose in his life; even if that means he sits in that chair for the remainder of his life.  Only God can pull Danny close and only Danny can draw near to God.  It's not me.  I can't do it for Danny and maybe that is what frustrates me the most.  I can fulfill all of Danny's daily living needs.  I can clean his clothes and get him dressed.  I can cook dinner and get his medicines.  I can shave his head and get him in the shower, but I can't make him choose to trust God.  I can't make him surrender to God.  He has to make that choice, but does he have the ability to make it?  I think he does; he makes many decisions in his life.  Why can't he make this one?

I ask again; where is God?  And, as I keep asking and as I write this, it comes to me.  He is in the bird that never seems to sleep, that sings on our balcony each morning and sings in the tips of the trees at night.  God in the sunsets we see each evening and the flowers that bloom outside our window.  He is in Corbin's unrestrained laughter and He is in Danny as he raises his hand in worship.  He is in me, giving me strength to get through each day and He is in the song that seems to break down my wall to Him too.  I know He loves me.  It's just hard to accept it when my life seems so hard.  How could He love me when He can make it all better?  And, yet, I know from the Word that there is a blessing awaiting me.  I just hope it's on this earth cause I'm not sure I can make it until I get to heaven.

This all came on August 16, 2005 and I'm ready for it to go.

Thanks for reading, listening and hopefully, not judging.

The following lyrics are from a song called "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North.  It is like they plucked it from my mind.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

You remember when I said that we were sick?  Well, much has happened along that journey too.

In mid-April, Corbin had tubes put in his ears.  Although he is four and a half years old, his recurring ear infections were getting the best of us.  He'd had four that I knew of since the end of January and after three rounds of antibiotics, shots and many minutes of urging him to take his foul bubblegum flavored medicines, we'd had enough.  It was a battle; all of it.  Corbin was traumatized each time we went to the doctor.  He would fight just to have his ears checked and holding a strong willed, four year old was hard on me too.  I couldn't put him through that any more, so we went ahead with the tubes.

The day of the surgery was just like every other time we'd gone to the doctor.  He screamed, holding his hands over his ears and that was just when someone would open the door.  You should have seen us trying to get his blood pressure.  Anyway, it was another battle to get him to swallow the "happy juice" to help him be less anxious.  It was only after the nurse left the room to get a shot of the juice and me pleading with him to drink it, that he finally took it with big, ole crocodile tears on his face.  Once they came to get him, I was allowed to walk next to the gurney and since the happy juice had taken effect, he was having fun riding on the bed; until I couldn't go any further.  And, as he rolled through the proverbial double swinging doors, he turned on his hands and knees and cried "Mama!" as he reached his hands out towards me.  But, that nurse just kept going and I tried to keep my happy face on until the doors closed and I couldn't see him any longer.

Mama needed a cup of coffee so I headed down to the cafe in the lobby.  When I got back to the room, the surgeon was already there and the surgery was already over.  The surgeon said Corbin had a ton of fluid behind his ears, especially the right ear, which just solidified for me that we had made the right choice.  They brought Corbin in a few minutes later and he was curled up in the fetal position asleep.

 It wasn't long though before he woke up and started with his comedy routine.  He was a four year old happy drunk with anesthesia.  The first thing he said with happy, slurred speech was, "Mama, you were right.  I didn't feel a thing."  He went on to make us laugh for the next couple hours at the funny things he'd say or sing, or how he was stumbling around a bit.  I'm so glad he woke up that way instead of crying or mad. Whew!

Since then, he seems to hear a little better, he is eating like a growing boy and yet, there is still this lingering cough and runny nose which leads me to my next point.

I had surgery too.  I wish mine had been as simple as tubes in my ears, but that just wasn't to be.  After months of a sinus infection, many medications, a new ENT and a CT scan, things were not pretty.  All my sinuses were inflamed, had infection and thus, my lungs were reacting as well.  I've never had asthma, but I was suddenly on an inhaler and a steroid as well.  Nothing seemed to improve and my ENT recommended we move ahead with the surgery.  I think at that point, I'd have done anything to feel better.

Although there are/were many hard parts about the whole experience, one of the hardest was that I was not going to be able to do anything that required exertion for at least two weeks.  Well, my whole life is one big exertion; picking up Corbin and carrying him, transferring Danny, turning Danny, walking with Danny, bringing in the groceries and things from Costco, doing the laundry, etc.  I couldn't lean over, pick anything up or blow my nose.  How in the world was this going to work?  Enter the village...

It takes a village to facilitate our lives and this was no different; we just needed some extra hands and those came in the form of my mom.  Mom was here in March to visit and although I knew it would help for her to come back, I knew the ticket would be pricey because the trip would be less than two weeks out for her.  Well, although I am almost 33 years old, my mom and dad put their feet down and said that she was coming, no questions asked.  I am so glad she did.

I'd never been under anethesia and was curious as to how it would affect me.  My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm which is fabulous when you can't eat or drink anything.  I think my mind was too occupied with everything else to really think about food though.  I took Corbin to school and assured him that I'd be fine.  He was worried about me and told me he'd protect me so the doctor wouldn't hurt me.  So precious!  Danny went to therapy and then came over to the hospital.  I think he was worried too.  Mama's never been down and out before; my boys were thrown for a bit of a loop.

I remember going into the OR and moving off the gurney and onto the operating table.  Past that, it's all dark until this loud, piercing voice came through the fog for me to take a deep breath.  I was in recovery and was immediately slammed with the feeling like I was going to vomit.  I wasn't in pain, but that feeling of coming out of anesthesia was horrible.  I never want to go through that again.  Danny came back to see me and kept telling me to open my eyes and I just couldn't do it.  It was so frustrating.  It seems that I was in recovery for almost two hours.  I think a little anesthesia goes a long way with me.

Since then, things have been out of order.  Since I can't/couldn't transfer Danny or turn him, he's been staying with his parents next door.  His mom and JC have been covering my usual duties and times.  My mom slept in our bed with me to keep a mother's ear out for me.  Mom cooked, cleaned, did laundry, planted flowers and anything else she could do to fill my shoes.  Corbin was out of sorts too, probably responding to all the changes.  It's been tough emotionally for me as well.

My "job" is hard.  It's difficult to ask/have someone else do that job when I know how hard it is.  It's frustrating not to be able to do things I think I should be able to do.  The problem is that when you have sinus surgery and they suction out your face, it leaves raw tissue there.  It's not like you bandage it up and it heals.  The only thing that heals that tissue is time and a little help from the ENT, which is called debriding and is NOT fun.  I won't even describe that one.

No matter, it's been sucky and it continues.  I've had to go back to the ENT weekly since the surgery and last week, I didn't get the best report.  I still have infection.  It's no wonder that I swept my floor and was exhausted.  I started crying.  I feel like this whole thing is stupid.  I look fine on the outside and have no idea what is really going on on the inside.  However, I know I'm not supposed to have infection still after the surgery.  So, I had to take myself to the happy compounding pharmacy to get specially made nasal sprays; two of them that I have to do four times a day.  Oh, and when they run down the back of my throat, they taste so foul that they make me sick to my stomach.

My mom has gone back to Arizona, but is making threats to return depending on what the ENT says this week.  I can tell you though, that I still feel sick.  I still feel like I have the infection.  The thick mucus hanging in the back of my throat gives it away.

So, Danny is still staying at this parents and I'm once again, sleeping in our bed without him.  I'm worried because Danny and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend and all the transfers, daily living stuff and walking will be left to me.  It's exciting though because we're going to camp.

It's called Adventure Skills Workshop (ASW) through Shepherd.  I was shocked when Danny brought home the brochure and said he wanted to go.  Some of Danny's therapists are going and it should be very fun for him; water skiing, tubing, jet skiing, shooting range, archery, ATV rides, ropes course and it's all adapted!  I can't wait to see him have fun despite his disability.  It will be rather refreshing.

Anyway, as you can see, life has been busy, up-side-down and more crazy than ever.  I'm hoping that I get a good report this week and get the green light to get back to my normal and be well.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Please pray!

I'm going to add some pictures to the gallery, so take a look to see what's been going on with us.  Love to all!

The choir sang the song called I Will Rise and guess what?  I stood up by myself.  I rose.  Of course, my wife was standing on my left and mom in the pew behind me and KB on my right.  There was no way they were going to let me fall and get another brain injury.   All I know is that I heard some Pentecostal shoutin' from up in the choir and around me.  It was nice to finally stand up in church; well, to stand up anywhere other then Shepherd.  And, it felt good to stand and worship the Lord.  Yeah,yeah.  I hear ya!  It's not like the Lord cares if I'm sitting or standing, but it just felt good to be standing.

On top of all that happened in church yesterday,  I had what I think was a pretty good day at therapy today.

And totally off the subject, we got Allison a new car finally; a Ford Flex.  It's UGA colors too.  My dad, the Georgia Tech fan, was the one that pointed that out to me.

Until next time....

Has Danny made progress?  Absolutely.  And, I wish I could show you with video or photos, but for reasons you'll read about later, that just isn't possible at this moment.

I will, however, share some interesting bits of improvement with you.

Danny has climbed stairs, more than once and of course, what goes up, must come down.  I have a video of this and will hopefully be able to share it soon.  If you're on Facebook, the video is posted there.

Danny has walked long distances with the walker without anyone having to touch him.  Specifically, one recorded distance was 238ft.

As Danny mentioned in his blog post named FRUSTRATION, he has walked the "blue carpet tunnel" on more than one occasion.  Again, I have evidence, but later.

Danny had a Re-evaluation last week.  I have copied parts of Candy's email below.  Some of her notes are coded, but I think you'll be able to understand most of it.

I completed Danny's re-evaluation this morning and there were a few exciting changes. First, he was able to dorsiflex his right foot almost full range (I had to ask him to pick up his knee in order to do it, but I have never seen more than a "twitch" in his right TA). His gait testing also showed some significant improvements: Read the note copied from GUI.3/22/10; Addendum: After reviewing gait testing, patient improved made significant improvements in all three gait tests over previous testing to include: 10MWT improved by 26 sec. (42% improvement); 6 min WT improved by 105ft (37% improvement); TUG improved by 25 secs (31% improvement). Patient continues to demonstrate improved stability as well with over ground mobility requiring only CGA today including managing all turns during TUG test. Will continue with current POC and focus on following thru with independent ambulation at home. Candy Tefertiller, PT

New 12 week Goals: 1. Complete all bed mobility with supervision. 2. Ambulate household distance with rolling walker and Mod I. 3. Sit to stand and stand pivot transfers with rolling walker and supervision. 4. Ambulate at home with family/caregivers for all basic household ADL's x 3 bouts during the day; 5. Ascend/descend 1 flight of stairs with 1 handrail and CGA/Min A to get into family's cabin in the mountains; 6. Complete driving evaluation---I just emailed Dr. Kaelin to see if he would write an order for this--remind me to not be on the road when you do this :-)

Yes, Danny is doing well and continuing to progress.  And, yes, you read that right.  They're going to do a driving evaluation.  Thankfully, this initial testing is not on the road!

Speaking of being on the road, many of you may remember that Danny has been transferring to my car or his mom's SUV for quite some time.  It's been a significant change in Danny's daily life to actually be able to get out of his wheelchair and into a real seat.  He can actually see and change the music all he wants.  He even thinks he can tell us how to drive, but just wait until he gets that driving evaluation.  Pay back stinks!

Anyway, while Danny's mom drives an SUV, his wheelchair doesn't fit into my trunk so I have to tie the trunk lid down.  While this has been doable, it isn't always feasible.  If it's raining or if we're stopping by Costco or the grocery, with his chair, we just don't have room.  So, we've been looking to get something new for me to drive that would meet all our needs without having to make it handicap accessible.  Plus, in PTL news, Danny's power wheelchair has finally been approved and we'll need a way to transport it.

After much prayer and searching, I'm very excited to say that I have a new car!  While it's new to me, it is used since it was part of a rental fleet, but it's in great shape and was Certified Pre-Owned.  Drum roll, please............we are now the proud owners of a 2009 Ford Flex!  We just took receipt of it yesterday and we do have pictures, but they'll have to wait too.  It is perfect for Danny to transfer and there is plenty of room for cargo and wheelchair, and Corbin just loves it.  He was so cute when I took him to school today talking about his new Ford Flex.

So, Danny will have new wheels in a couple more weeks and this Mama has new wheels too.  I very thankful to the Lord for working it out so smoothly.

Mr. Corbin has started T-ball (I do have a picture of this and will post it in the photo gallery).  He is so cute in his uniform.  Opening Day, they had a parade with all the teams through town and opening ceremonies.  The mayor was even there to throw out the first pitch.  It was so fun!  Of course, T-Ball does require parent participation.  I was out on the field with my big camera around my neck and my flipvideo tucked in one pocket and my cell phone in the other.  It was quite a juggling act, but Corbin had fun and didn't want it to end.

Lastly, in addition to my day to day stress, I've been under more.  Not only have I been sick for the last two months, our office is closing it's doors on Friday and I'm moving to working from home.  So, needless to say, I've been an even more busy girl lately.  I'm responsible for closing down our operations here and also trying to set up a corner to work in our condo.  And, because my work computer equipment was due for an update, I'm getting a new computer for use at home.  Therefore, no pictures or video have been loaded on this old machine because I don't want to have to do again when I get my new one.  So, I think I'll have to have one update where it's just pictures and video!

Now, about this sickness.  It's not just me, but Corbin too.  And, now, Danny got thrown in the mix.

The problem with me is that I'm on my third round of antibiotics, among other medicines per my new ENT doctor and I still don't feel any better.  I'm scheduled for a sinus CT scan later this month so hopefully, we'll get some answers.  In the meantime, I'm really just annoyed.  The most frustrating part is not being able to hear very well out of my right ear.  There is so much fluid built up that it sounds like the right side of my head is underwater.  Plus, I fall into these coughing fits where it sounds like my lung is going to pop out and introduce itself.  People stare.  I feel it.  None of this is fun!

Then, my sweet boy is also on his third round of antibiotics.  Ear infections that just won't go away, along with a runny nose and productive cough, plague him.  Once he finishes a round of antibiotics, the cough and runny nose come back and then turns into another infection.

Thankfully, until last week, Danny has been untouched with this.  With his history of pneumonia, I got him in to see the doctor right away and they did a chest x-ray.  It was negative for pneumonia, thank God, but he does have bronchitis.  He's been on his antibiotics since last week and seems to be doing better.

So, please keep our health in your prayers, in addition to all our other chaos of course.  Life continues to improve albeit ever so slowly.  We're thankful to God for His many blessings.  Even during the most stressful times, He reminds us that He is able to do even more than we can ask or imagine.  If you ever doubt it, just ask Danny how excited he is about all the opportunities he'll have now with his power wheelchair or ask me how it feels to have a car that meets our families' needs.  Sometimes, we just need reminding and I'm glad He does that for me.

I only have one option; put my head down and push through it.  It's the only thing I know to do.  Because, if not, all the work I have done for the past 4 1/2 years is for nothing.  It doesn't make it any easier that I think I'm on the verge of yet another break-through.  I feel I'm almost to the point of starting to use the walker at home, not just at therapy.

While I'm sitting here writing this, my son, Corbin is sitting next to me eating breakfast.  What 4 year old boy do you know that asks to listen to Gypsy Kings?   For all of you saying "WHO IS THAT?" that is the concert I took Allison to when we were "just friends."  The crazy thing is that not only does Corbin know the group, but he also knows the words to most of their songs in Spanish.  When I see him singing and dancing to their music, it just makes me happier than I know what to do or how to explain it.  He is one of the reasons I keep going down this road; the other is my gift of a wife.  Like I'm sure Allison has said before, I just don't know why she stayed, but now I see and I think I finally grasp, if not just a little understanding why.

Shifting gears back to my recovery, you all know that super therapist named Candy?  Well, on Friday, I didn't have her on my schedule, but I've started working this hallway/tunnel that goes from Shepherd under Peachtree St. to other side.  Although Candy isn't usually there on Fridays, she was there this past one.  She jumped in on my session to the "blue carpet hallway;" a change in plans.  Did I mention that the tunnel is downhill to start then flattens out halfway through only to start climbing to get to other side?  Needless to say, it's not an easy way to cross Peachtree St. even if you are an able bodied person.  It's quite the full body workout and I say full body for me since I depend on my arms a lot still to support my upper body.  But, every time I do it, it seems to be getting a little easier.

I know this post is quite scattered like my thoughts, so that is all folks.  Do me a favor though?  If you read this, even if you don't want to make a comment, will you at least sign your name so I know people are actually reading this?  If no one reads it, than I feel it's a waste of time.  Allison assures me that people do read it, but I'm not convinced.      

I'm wrong about many, many things.  And, life, is wrong too sometimes.

In one week, I attended two separate memorial services for fathers of daughters we call friends.  Interestingly, these were the first funerals I'd been to since Danny's accident.  Needless to say, feelings were stirred up inside me.

Danny actually asked what I would have done if he'd died.  Whoa, elephant in the room.  Have a funeral? A celebration? Buried or cremated?  Thankfully, I never had to make that decision, but I might one day.

The fact is that that day can come at any time.  We've already experienced what change life can bring in a split second.

More often than not, death and memorializing life is something that we don't talk about.  Why not?  I suppose it's easier to pretend we're safe and secure.  I suppose it's easier to ignore the impending emotional void a loved one might leave when they die.

Death is a separation and life is full of separations, some easier than others.  The death of your job, your home, your marriage, your relationships, your car, your dreams; all those things happen in life. Some of us, because of our faith in the Lord, can at times smile through the pain of separations.

For those of us in Christ, when there is a separation, there is something new, something beautiful, something lively on the other side of that pain.  I want to lose my pain and be on the other side of it; I want to remove it quickly like a day old bandaid.  But, that isn't the way for me; yet.

For a reason that only God knows, this death is prolonged.  It lives in our house with us, sleeps with us and weighs us down like a heavy yoke.  We are aware of it's presence yet do not know how to throw it off our backs and out of our minds and hearts.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

I kept reading Hebrews 12 after I pasted the passage above.  I relish the last verse in the first section of Chapter 12.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Hebrews 12:12-13

Yes, Lord.  I pray that you will make Danny's (left) arm strong and that his brain will be able to straighten his knees so that he can stand firmly and walk upright, revealing your healing glory.  Amen.

Separations are hard.  It's hard to grieve when there is a daily reminder of what has been lost or that things are not how they should be, how you dreamed they would be and how you want them to be.  It gives a whole new meaning to "dying to self."

There is, thankfully, one separation that can never take place.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

So although I do not understand, I can't see where I'm going and I feel weighted by the grief around my neck, I will cling to his promise(s).

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

I have peace when I trust Him because He is there even in the midst.  I can't wait to be on the other side of this pain, so I can see how grand, how much higher his thoughts and his ways are than mine. Praise the Lord.

I have much news so expect another entry.

While I was Christmas shopping at one of my favorite stores, I came across a wooden piece of wall art with the same prayer inscribed as the one that used to hang in my grandmother's bathroom.  For $12.99, I bought it and actually finally hung it up in our home yesterday afternoon.

'God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.'  Reinhold Niebuhr

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, serenity is defined as the quality or state of being serene.  Seriously, did someone get paid for that?  After searching again, thefreedictionary.com gives me the same definition, but adds the synonyms leaving me with  the absence of mental stress or anxiety.  I laugh for obvious reasons.  How am I supposed to find the state of serenity in my life?

My sweet grandmother passed away 16 years ago today.  Ironically, it is also the five year anniversary of when I discovered that Corbin was baking in my oven.  The Lord does giveth and taketh away, doesn't he?  Sometimes with a sense of humor and irony.

My granddaddy had his own business for many years downtown; he had a produce stand and was quite the little gardener himself.  In the backyard, he had tomatoes and in the side yard mint for my grandmother.  You could smell it when you got out of the car in the driveway.  Granddaddy even had an old refrigerator in the garage for those small bottles of Coke.  I can't go to Cracker Barrel and get pancakes without thinking about my grandmother.  She'd keep the small syrup bottles and put toothpicks in them; she even gave them out at Christmas one year.  I almost left Cracker Barrel last weekend with one tucked in my purse for sentiments sake.  Grandmother made the best biscuits in the world and Granddaddy would mix his butter and sorghum syrup together before spreading it over the biscuit.  There is sorghum syrup in my pantry today.

I've written it here before, but of the many more memories I could share, I remember my grandmother's house having the Serenity Prayer in the bathroom by the laundry room and I remember her spontaneously saying "Praise the Lord."  It didn't matter where we were or what time of day it was, she would just say it sometimes.  I find myself doing it too.  Whether I'm reminding myself to praise the Lord or just giving it up to Him, it just comes out sometimes.

We were sitting at the kitchen table the other night.  Corbin was leaning on the table reaching for a tomato from the salad.  Spontaneously, my sweet gift says "Praise the Lord."  Nothing else.  It wasn't part of the conversation and didn't have any follow up.  Just a simple "Praise the Lord."

I swear my Grandmother picked him out for me in heaven, took his sweet Spirit to the throne room and asked for him to be mine.  Then she gave him the love of Golden Books (I have some that she used to keep at her house), small Coke bottles (he brought me home an empty one the other day as a gift), the love of tomatoes and pancakes with small syrup bottles, and she whispered in his ear to always praise the Lord, Baby.

I miss my Grandmother.  Oh, how she would have doted on Corbin and Danny.  I hope that I can live with serenity even while life is hard, is hardest.  Grace, Peace, Courage and Wisdom all built on Hope.  More on that some other time.

I live rich in heritage and will live so to pass it on to Corbin and his children.  Thank you, Grandmother.  Please have the biscuits waiting for me whenever I get to Heaven.  Oh, and pass the sorghum. 

Lessons of hope, commitment, loyalty, love, faith, strength, and goodness, placed in a box and wrapped with torn pieces of newspaper.  It's not pretty, but it's heavy.  These lessons are weighted in experience, played out in front of him like the Star Wars movies he loves to watch.  The lessons aren't realized yet, but I visualize him years from now acknowledging the foundation, however crumbled it may seem now.

He is wearing a tuxedo or a cap and gown, speaking to a mass of people.  He is about to go off on his own journey.  He is entering a new chapter of life and yet, he stops to honor the lessons of his youth.  Thanks to his parents, his heroes, for teaching him that he can overcome adversity, to live life to the fullest, never give up, love without reason and root his faith very deep in rich soil.

I envision him in the last chapters of my days and he holds me as I hold him now; with his arms wrapped all around me, he keeps me safe.  He tells me that I can rest now and that I've done a good job.  Corbin is an excellent father and an even better husband who knows that with hope, faith and Love, nothing is impossible.

My son may throw toys at his friends and suffer timeouts now, but I believe he will be the kind of man that will throw life lines to his friends and suffer their burdens alongside them.  He will be loyal and faithful, full of integrity and goodness.  He will be kind and gentle, yet a pillar of strength.  Corbin will work hard and understand it's value.  He will be tenderhearted and compassionate.  He will love with abandon and he will comfort those that hurt.  He will be his dad.

Danny speaks often about what life is supposed to look like, especially when it comes to the life we were supposed to give to Corbin.  It certainly isn't what we'd hoped for or what we'd planned.  We are definitely on a detour that started with just 80ft. of a skid mark.

Kids are funny and resilient.  I think we have a much more difficult time adjusting to change than they do.  Although, Danny cannot actively be the able bodied father that he'd envisioned, he is exactly the father that Corbin needs.  The evidence of that is in the small things; "Daddy, will you come with me?" as I stand there too.  "Daddy, will you play Wii with me?"  "Daddy, I'll help you" as Corbin pushes Danny to his room to play.  Or, the unexpected hugs or lean ins that Corbin gives out not knowing that Danny gets so overwhelmed by those gestures that he can't help but cry.

It was a rough start to say the least, but we are what Corbin needs, not what we had expected of ourselves.  And, we can't put those expectations on us because at this point, they are not relevant or even applicable.  Corbin is well taken care of and well loved, by his parents and the Lord they serve.  He is faithful in the dark, just as He is in the light.

Yes, my little boy is going to be alright.  And, if I never get that letter written just so, I will live out my days so that he may read my heart and know.

I bet y'all never thought you'd hear from this bad dream of Allison's again.  But, I just thought I would write again to keep you coming back for more.

Nothing new to report from this world called reality.  Allison and I went to a Shepherd gathering the other night for these two guys headed back home; one from Wisconsin and the other from Australia.  It was nice to see which therapists came out to see them off.  It kind of gave me a clue that they're not just there for the pay check, but they build true friendships with the patients, or clients as they prefer to say.

I have an appointment with Dr. K tomorrow.   He is my neurologist at Shepherd that saw me the first time just three weeks post accident.  I don't think I could've gotten a better doctor.  He's really personable and talks to me, not Allison or my Mom; unless, of course I can't remember something.  Come on!  When do I ever need help remembering something?  Ha!

Continued....

Prior to meeting with Dr. K, Allison and I went to meet with my neuro psychologist Dr. M.  It went well.  It's interesting to me how these doctors know what I mean when I say something totally off the wall.

Well, one thing that Dr. M told me without knowing me before is that I have good problem solving skills, that I am intelligent and have good speech and language skills.  By the way, by no means is he all knowing.  I failed to mention that I went through a series of questions and problems and he was getting these impressions about  me from the tests results.  The meeting was good and bad.  I say both because there is no excuse for me going to the happy psycho place that Allison has written to you all about before.  I'm working on it though.

O.K. that's all for now.  Until next time, the Ghost 

We had a wonderful holiday season and are ready to see what 2010 has in store for us and if it's anything like the first few weeks of January, it's gonna be full.

We've all returned to our prospective roles; I'm back at work, Danny is back at Shepherd and Corbin is back in school.  However, each of those places may be getting tweaked a bit.

Back in October, one new leaf I failed to mention, I went back to working four days a week.  Not by choice, but by necessity.  In aligning our company benefits, new policies required that employees work a minimum of 30 hours weekly to receive full benefits.  Since I was only working 24 hours, the news was a bit overwhelming.  Thankfully, I was able to increase my hours and we've had no disruption in our benefits.

However, for those that live work in corporate America, you know the ever roaming rumors of, well, anything.  And, where I work, it's no different.  After surviving through three mergers, our small regional office may no longer be flying under the radar.  Many of the regional offices have closed when leases come up for renewal and with our numbers down to single digits, I fear the inevitable is finally among us.

So, rather than be reactive to the news, I've become proactive in searching for a new job.  This is a great time to be looking for a job, right?  Thank God, it feels like He has already taken care of it.

Those of you who come here regularly know that I have this desire to help people that find themselves in a tragic situation like we have.  Although I have no time to volunteer, I've felt this desire to do something; I just wasn't sure what that looked like.  Well, it seemed like a natural progression for me to see what employment opportunities were available at Shepherd.  I mean, I'm there a lot, right?  And, I have a built in reference section in all the therapists and those we have worked with when Danny was in-patient.

I met with the Hiring Manager a couple Fridays ago to talk about future possibilities.  It went really well.  Honestly, I want to get out there and make an impact.  I don't want to hang back in the shadows, in the background anymore.  I'm tired of supporting others to be successful in their own careers; I want to be successful in my own.  I just need the chance to break out of this mould and I'm praying the Lord opens the door; although, it feels like He already is.  There is one job that I talked to a Shepherd contact about and I really think I'd love it and be perfect for it.  I'm not going to go into details, but I'm actually excited about the prospect of this position.  Please pray that the Lord will place me where I'll be effective and excited about working.  I'll keep you updated.

After the first of the year, we did meet with Dr. M to go over Danny's results from his neuro psych tests.  The results showed that Danny has great speech and language skills, problem solving skills, has a respectful personality and is compulsive.  The most difficult deficit that Danny will have to overcome is his memory.  In fact, Dr. M told Danny that he will not be able to rely on his own memory, but needs to use something to keep track of each day's details.  Danny already uses his cell phone to keep most appointments, so we're on the right track.

We also talked about Danny's misbehavior.  Specifically, I wanted to know if any counseling or therapy could be effective for Danny, could he apply the principles discussed?  Dr. M feels that Danny can benefit from counseling and actually, wants to see us together which I'm looking forward to.  As you can tell from my last post, I'm struggling and I'm hoping that talking to Dr. M together as a married couple, might help us.

Dr. M planned to meet us at our appointment with Dr. Kaelin and had a challenge for Danny.  He asked Danny how many outbursts he thought he would have in the twelve days separating the appointments.  Danny said eight and I'm happy to report, we only had one issue.  It was amazing!  I was so encouraged by that and hope that with regular visits with Dr. M, maybe we can get Danny out of the dumps and working hard to be more positive.

Based on Dr. M's suggestion of getting Danny outside of Shepherd and outside of the home to do something to make him feel more productive, we've been exploring some things Danny might be interested in.  At the same time, Danny kind of feels like he has hit a wall in his physical progress.  After much thought, we're actually thinking of taking a break from Beyond Therapy.  Now, before everyone questions my sanity, again, I'll explain.

Danny has been in BT for more than two and a half years.  The longest break he has ever had was 10 days.  Now, for those of you working regularly, do you take vacations?  Well, Danny hasn't.  So, we've been thinking based on what feedback we get from Candy, we'll take about a month break.  Because Danny is a fan favorite, it doesn't appear that we'd be in danger of losing Danny's place in the program.  Plus, Danny still wants to go to Shepherd and exercise and then use the remainder of his day to figure out what that thing is that will make him feel productive.  Then, once we know what that is, we'll work it back in his schedule with Beyond Therapy.

Many clients of BT have taken breaks and actually return stronger than they left.  We'll keep you posted on what we decide to do.

Last week, we met with Dr. Kaelin and Dr. M again.  We had a wonderful appointment with Dr. Kaelin and touched on many subjects, especially the findings of Dr. M and what things we can do to get Danny looking beyond Beyond Therapy.  Dr. Kaelin wanted to add a new prescription for Danny to see how it helps him.  It has double benefits as it should help Danny be able to process information faster and also it will help with the irritability. PTL!  Danny has only been taking it a few days now, so we'll see if it is effective.

We talked to Dr. Kaelin about Danny's power wheelchair as well.  We've been trying since the first of June 2009 to get Danny a power wheelchair without much help.  We've been denied by our primary insurance provider and will now submit to Medicare.  If Medicare approves, then we will still have to pay 20%.  If not, then I'm not sure how we're going to be able to afford the chair as it is $7500.  However, check back as we may be dedicating a fundraiser specifically for the wheelchair once we know what Medicare decides.

Danny and I were contacted to be included in an article for the Spinal Column publication that Shepherd produces.  We'll be in the Spring issue along with three other families discussing how we find ways to cover expenses that are uninsured.  A photographer came and took pictures of Danny at therapy on Friday and I look forward to seeing how those turn out.  I'll let you know when the new issue is out and you can read it online.

Corbin is wonderful, as usual, thankfully.  He had a fabulous Christmas and is now a Star Wars fanatic; an interest that is growing.  It has actually been fun to watch the old movies with him, play with the toys and read the books.  He continues to be such a joy for us and it is awesome to see the relationship between he and Danny grow.  Corbin is now coming home a bit before I get there, so Danny has time with Corbin which is special.  It gives them time together, but also gives them both the time to understand their roles; Danny as father and Corbin as son.  Sometimes, those roles can get blurred by Danny's behavior, but when put in the position of total control, Danny has risen to the occasion and has done a great job, even during the tough times.  I'm very proud of him.

Check the photo gallery as I added some pictures recently.

I'm working on another post that is more from my thoughts and ideas, rather than details of our daily lives.  So, subscribe to the posts or check back often.  Plus, I think the "ghost" may be speaking again soon.  Love to you all! 

I'd like to start by saying hello to those that know me personally and then to those who just know me through this site.  Feel free to ask me questions that you'd like me to address, but don't expect an answer quickly because I still need help with this blog thing.

As a disclaimer, I will more than likely offend some of you at some point.  So, if you don't want to risk it, don't worry about stopping here.

This is it until next time.

So, what's been happening?  Well, remember those new leaves I wrote about?  We've been turning more than one.

In October, we were able to visit Danny's brother in south Georgia as a surprise for his nephew's birthday.  It was a trip filled with many firsts; first road trip, stay in a hotel, and nights away from Corbin as he stayed with his cousins.

The trip down was fun and uneventful.  The most difficult thing being that I had to squeeze as much in my car as possible.  Thankfully, Danny's parents also made the trip later in the day and were able to bring what I couldn't fit.

The hotel was alright; not exactly what we needed, but it worked.  First of all, it was a handicap room which meant little more than there were grab bars around the toilet, it had a roll in shower and only one bed.  So, without the conveniences of home, Danny and I were transferring from his chair in/out of bed, on/off a regular toilet and on/off the shower bench.

A little background might be necessary so you ladies can get the full picture.  I know you men just want the headline.  Anyway, Danny is typically hoisted into the air by a sling attached to a hoyer lift.  The lift has wheels and you simply wheel him over the bed or over his chair and then release the valve lowering him wherever you need him to be.  While he is capable of transferring with the walker or holding onto you, lifting him is sometimes safer for him and for you.

Also, Danny has a combination shower/potty wheelchair so it's easy to just wheel him over the toilet or into the shower.

Thus, being without the hoyer lift or the shower/potty chair made things a bit more time consuming.  It was a learning experience and we learned that a toilet seat is not so comfortable when you have no butt and it makes cleaning difficult (sorry, honey).  We also learned that we don't sleep when we're laying in a queen size bed.  Since Danny can't scoot himself over, it just doesn't work.

But, the most important thing we learned is that we CAN go places and make it work.  It was exciting considering the Christmas vacation from hell a couple years ago.

When we returned from south GA, we had two fundraisers to attend; the golf tournament and the benefit ride.  The tournament went alright, but to be honest, it was our poorest attendance to date.  I think we had about 14 golfers and raised about $1000.  However, we did thankfully receive donations from people that could not play, but wanted to contribute and that made up for the lack of attendance at the tournament.

The coolest thing though happened at the benefit ride.  During registration, Danny sat near the table while I ran after Corbin who was busy finding sticks and leaves.  A friend who was nearby called me over to Danny where a man was speaking to him.  This man turned out to be the first officer on Danny's accident scene.  I burst into tears and introduced myself and fell all over the place thanking him for his help.  Officer Bill said he remembered everything from the scene, but the most impactful bit of insight he had was that he told Danny that he didn't think he was going to make it.  And, for some reason, while Danny has heard how serious the accident and his injuries were from me and his parents, it hit him harder coming from Officer Bill.  Officer Bill and Danny are now email buddies and we even got a great picture of the two of them at the ride.  See the photo gallery from October.

Another first at the end of October was that I got roped into training at Beyond Therapy.  One Friday, during Danny's walking session, I became his therapist.  Basically, he controlled the walker and I walked behind him with a hand on his gait belt that is around his chest.  I coached him in straightening his knees, when to shift his weight and how to mind the walker.  The therapists were still right there, but they were impressed with how well we did.  So, we got another green light in life.

In early November, we lowered our bed foundation so that we could transfer using the walker rather than the hoyer lift.  Danny uses the walker to walk about six steps to the edge of the bed and then pivots to position himself to sit down.  To get out of bed, he uses the walker to walk about seven steps to the wall and then I place the shower/potty chair mentioned earlier behind him.  The mornings are a bit difficult as his body is still waking up and the legs are a bit tight.  Come to think of it, I'm a bit off balanced in the morning too.  So, Danny does a few warm up stands before he is ready to walk to the wall.

It's kind of a relief to know that we might be able to get rid of the hoyer beast lift soon especially when you read what other leaf Danny turned over.

On Monday, the 14th, Danny used the walker and walked a lap around the basketball court without ANY assistance.  Don't fret as the therapists were there if he needed them, but it was awesome to hear.  I asked Danny if he was a little bit excited and he answered me with about an inch between his thumb and forefinger.  Personally, I was very proud of him and think he should be excited.

Turn, turn, turn, turn.  Last Friday, the 11th, Danny was put through a ringer of testing and not physically, but mentally.  We met with the neuropsychologist who explained the purpose of the testing and what we hope to learn from the results.  Basically, they admininstered tests revolving around problem solving, decision making, listening and comprehending, reaction time, etc.  The results will show where Danny's strengths and weaknesses are and how to play up the strengths and work to improve the weaknesses.  He told us it was to help us think about what lies beyond Beyond Therapy; how can we take the results and place them into work/life experiences to help Danny find his new place in the world.

As my faithful readers will know, Danny is his own worst critic and worst enemy.  He is self discouraging and feels less than valuable.  Dr. M feels that Danny needs to place himself out there and find something outside of our family, outside of therapy and something that would help him feel like he is contributing.  I don't have a degree, but I could have told him that.  We meet with him and Dr. Kaelin in January to hear the results.  It should prove to be quite interesting.

Dr. M told me a few things that I honestly didn't want to hear and that I really don't know what to do with.  I don't have a file for these things, these predictions or suppositions.  Most of us going through stress tend to take it out on the ones closest to us and Danny is no different in that regard.  The difference though is that he sometimes says things that really hurt me or he says inappropriate things in front of Corbin or acts inappropriately.  And, the hardest thing for me to try to cope with is that this is considered normal behavior following a brain injury.  And, while I call it the happy psycho place that Danny goes to in these outbursts, the reality is that he isn't crazy at all.  He is just without filter and at times, without reason.

Like I said, I don't have a file to put this in my brain and accept.  Where is the line?  Is there one?  Where do I draw it?  I get hurt and try as I might, it seems impossible to separate the head and the heart.  If it were only me, it might be different, but Corbin is in the midst and he is now old enough to remember and to know that something isn't right.  How do I teach him that Danny is his father and authority when there are times that I have to mother Danny like I mother Corbin?  How do I teach Corbin that it isn't right for him to yell or to be disrespectful when Danny is those things at times?  It's inconsistent and I don't know how to create the consistency that Corbin needs.

At times, I feel like I'm being pushed towards a choice; a choice that seems impossible to make.  Do I stay or do I go?  And, I know that these feelings are coming from the darker corners of my mind but as time goes by, they are there more often and getting closer to the surface.  Like I said, it's like I'm being pushed.

Danny asked me the other night if I was unhappy.  I told him that if I look at the circumstances of our reality that I can easily be unhappy and scared.  That is why I have to look to the Lord and keep my eyes on Him.  I know that is the good Christian thought process and although true, I can admit that there are a lot of times that my eyes are not fixed on Jesus.  Remember that pit I wrote about months ago?  I still feel like we're stuck there, even with all these new physical improvements, we're still there battling Satan for Danny's mind.  Like I have written before, I can deal with physical stuff, but the behavioral and cognitive stuff is the worst.  What if Danny's behavior doesn't change?  What do I do?

Danny told me that if I had known it was going to take this long, I probably would have left at the start.  My answer to that is this; that in the midst of such tragedy, you put your head down and push through with new hope that each day would bring change and that one day you realize it's four years down the road and you still need to keep your head down.  There is no way that anyone can know how long this journey is going to last.  What if I leave and miss the blessing of Danny's restoration?  I don't know when it's coming, but with faith, hope and love in my heart, I have to believe there are better days ahead.  I don't have a choice but to put my head down in prayer and believe in the One who created me, who created Danny and most importantly, created the greatest blessing of Corbin and trust Him that He is going to finish the work that was started.  When I don't have any answers to any questions, there is but one; Jesus.

Please continue to pray for Danny's FULL restoration body, mind and spirit.  Also, pray for Corbin that through all the confusion, he would learn right and wrong and have the security of his parents' love.  Lastly, as always, pray for me as I deal with all the issues that come with life on a normal basis and in our not so normal lives.

God bless all of you this holiday season and thank you for all your support throughout the year.

So, without further adieu, I'm pushing introducing my husband to the blogosphere.  Stay tuned for news from Danny!

Honestly, I started a post a month ago and have kept adding to it and adding to it, but it's never felt complete. So, I'll start over. I will turn over a new leaf.

In more than one way, I want to turn over a new leaf.

1. I'm glad that Danny lived



2. I'm glad that Corbin is healthy



3. I'm glad that Corbin loves his Daddy so much that he doesn't see a wheelchair



4. I'm glad that we have parents that love us just shy of only what God can



5. I'm glad that people find it in their hearts to give their hard earned money to Danny's recovery



6. I'm glad that I don't have to feed Danny through a tube, but that we can all sit down at the table and eat together



7. I'm glad to hear Corbin tell Danny that he loves him, out of the blue



8. I'm glad that Corbin doesn't remember the really dark, hard times



9. I'm glad that I can sleep next to my husband, even if I have to wake up with him during the night, he's still there



10. I'm glad that we've gained friends that love us in spite of the hardships



11. I'm glad that my husband is a fighter, for himself and for his family



12. I'm glad that strangers offer assistance because they see a need



13. I'm glad that I don't get so uptight about having to wait in line; there are just some things more important in life



14. I'm glad that when I doubt, when I feel lost and I cry out, God answers



15. I'm glad there are seasons in life and we can turn our leaves

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"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

Seriously, I am drawing a blank. It's like there is so much in my head, but only a small opening to which it can gush out of there. So, what comes out first? It's all churning and turning, like the lottery numbers, not sure what is going to eventually spit out at you.

Perhaps I should start with some basics? Basic. Basic. Basic? Yea, still drawing a blank on what is basic in our life. Everything is colored with that black crayon; all the shapes and outlines look normal and familiar, but there is no color.

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Well, Corbin is the Crayola Crayon box of light in our lives and that sweet boy started school this week.

He seemed to have a good first day; however, he did confess to a single time out visit before we were even out of the parking lot. Guilty conscience, I guess. Apparently, he and one of the new boys were chasing each other during circle time. You have to watch out for those new kids.

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Additionally, Corbin and I vacated GA for a week and headed west to AZ before school started. It was nice to be with family and it was even better to see Corbin play until exhaustion with his cousins; all boys! I will spare you pictures of me in a bathing suit, but here are a few shots from our trip.

Corbin finally letting go of the wall and getting in open water. Nothing like a little healthy peer/cousin pressure.

My nephews and Corbin. Even without the matching hair cuts, I think they definitely can't deny their genes.


Dad and I took Corbin and B to Peter Piper for bad pizza and fun games. B actually took this picture of us.

Mom and I took a cooking class together which was a lot of fun.

Corbin adores his Papa and often uses missing him as an excuse for bad behavior. It's so funny to me how he inherently figures out how to pull the strings. Corbin gets in trouble, he is crying/whining and says "I just miss Grammy and Papa." The first time he said it, I burst out laughing.

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As expected, Danny survived while we were gone, although I know he missed us. He continues to make improvements in therapy and has even transitioned some of those to the home.

While we were in AZ, Danny's mom called to tell me that he'd done something new at home. Apparently, he got the notion that he wanted to try to hold onto the bar in the kitchen and stand up to stretch his legs and back. He didn't tell anyone what he was doing until the last moment and wound up standing for about four minutes at the counter. I love it when he takes initiative.

However, I wasn't too thrilled when last night while I was tucking Corbin back into bed, he decided to try to stand up out of his chair. No one around, no walker or anything else to hold on to; he was practically upright when I walked back into our room. The only body part touching his wheelchair was his hands on the wheels. Thankfully, after a mild slip into mothering him, did he realize that wasn't the best idea, but he just wanted to see if he could do it.

What he did do today though was big news! In therapy, he climbed up and down a flight of stairs twice. A grand first and according to Candy, a "good day for Big D."

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Speaking of Candy, I have to mention how well the filming went for the promotional video. The interviews with Dr. Kaelin and Candy went better than expected and I am trying to figure out how they're going to whittle down the footage. My interview went okay to me, perfect to them, but it was very difficult and I just hope I conveyed all that I really wanted to. Danny and I also had a joint interview which went well considering Danny has always hated to have his picture taken, which is exaggerated now. He is shy about talking sometimes because he doesn't think people can understand him and at times, it takes him a while to get a thought out of his mouth. However, he did well and it should be good for you all to hear a bit from him too.

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We're finalizing our logo now and then work will be done for the Web site. I'm really excited to debut it all to you and hopefully raise some awareness, some funds and have fun in the process.

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Speaking of fun and funds, we're having another golf tournament next month, October 19th at Bridgemill Country Club. We're finalizing the flyer and on line registration now, as we're having to have the NTAF folks approve it for contributors' tax deduction purposes. Once that is complete, I'll include the link above in the "Mark Your Calendars" section.

Also, if you ride or know someone that does, Killer Creek Harley Davidson is holding their 3rd Annual Beau Memorial Ride with all proceeds going to Danny. It will be held on Sunday, October 25th and registration begins at 4pm. You can find details above and on the sidebar.

We hope you all will try to attend one of these events or you can always donate via our NTAF Web site. Information is at the bottom of this page.

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I'd like to ask you all to pray for me. Lately, I have felt like I'm at my wit's end and have begun questioning life and God a lot. None of this really makes any sense to me; why this happened or what we're supposed to do with it or how long is this going to last? Will it end on earth or in heaven? Can I make it? As I said in my previous post, there are always more questions than there are answers. Going into Year Five, I think I feel very helpless and am beginning to have to push away thoughts of doubt. Doubt of what? Everything. I know God is here and has been. I know He has a plan and He has Promises, but how does that translate into my life? My faith waivers and yet through praise I am bolstered only to have the bottom fall out again. I'm tired of the cycle, the rollercoaster, the unknown. I want to be smack dab in the middle of God's will and I need and am ready for Him to reveal His purpose so we can be used for His glory. I'm done with this chapter and want to move on to the next, so what's the hold up?

I'm still drawing a blank.

"He must become greater; I must become less."

II Corinthians 12:9, 10

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Many times Danny asks me questions about August 16, 2005; how did so-and-so find out about it, who was there first, who all came to the hospital, etc.

Below, I have posted excerpts from a letter I wrote to Danny about that day, from my prospective. I have taken out names for identity issues and have removed some lines. I know this is a personal letter to Danny, but it will give you all a perspective on where life was that day. It took me weeks to write it as it was like reliving each excruciating moment.

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My Dearest Danny,

August 16, 2005 is a day that is forever scorched into my memory. I remember smells, sounds, sights and overwhelming sadness and shock.

As you know I was in Arizona working in my new job, but also working to come back home to you. Life was so confusing during that time; do we stay or do we go? Our marriage was upside-down and I was in the dark to what was really happening in GA and in your mind, in your heart. I felt alone and frustrated, confused and a longing for an end to it all. I desperately needed to get to you, but felt so far away and felt there was something keeping me from finding you; a separation of sorts.

That awful day that set our lives on a new course, I was wearing a purple, short-sleeved shirt that barely covered by growing belly and cropped khaki colored XL maternity pants. My shoes were one size too big and in a wide width. I was huge and hot. I had a fan under my desk in my cubicle to keep me cooler.

I spoke to you that morning about 10:45am local time (1:45pm in GA). I had called your cell phone and you got a call on the land line while I was on the phone. You told me to hold and answered the phone. I’m not sure who it was, but I distinctly remember you telling whomever that you had the “old lady” on the other line. You quickly came back on the line with me and told me you would need to call me back. I told you I was headed to lunch shortly and I would be back at my desk about 11:30am.

......My Nextel beeped and I immediately thought it was you, but “Jonathan” came up on the screen. I thought it odd that he’d call me during the day especially since he’d not done it before, but then I thought maybe it was something to do with the boys. Kari was out of town at training and perhaps he needed me.

I thought it odd too, that he asked me where my office was located. I gave him the cross streets; 96th and Shea Blvd. “Why?” I asked. He told me he was coming to pick me up and take me to the airport and put me on a plane. Split second thoughts were that he was a. kidding or b. hurrying up our plan to have me home by the end of the week. As you know, it was neither of those choices.

He told me that you’d been in a motorcycle accident and that it was serious. You were in the hospital and I needed to get back to Georgia. Shockingly, I was calm enough to tell him exactly where to pick me up and told him I’d meet him outside.

I hung up with Jonathan and asked ____ to come over to my cube and quickly. The tears started to come and I couldn’t breathe; I’m sure there wasn’t much color to my face. I turned from her and began riffling through my desk draws to get anything that I couldn’t live without, all the while telling her that you’d been in an accident and I had to go and wouldn’t be coming back. I took a deep breath and one last look around my desk, grabbing our engagement picture in the Lam Lee frame that you bought me; the one with the heart on top with the wings. Ironically, when I got to Atlanta and pulled the frame out of my purse, one of the wings was broken. It remains that way to this day, on my desk.

.......Jonathan arrived and talked to ____ and asked her to let security know that someone would be coming by to pick up my car later that day. I hugged her neck, thanking her for everything and climbed in the car.

Let the madness begin. Jonathan was on the phone with Dwayne who was trying to find me a non-stop flight to Atlanta that had a seat on it. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on with you. Jonathan hung up and I started to cry, to sob really. I asked him if he would hold my hand and he did; my big, strong brother held my sweaty hand and squeezed.

He calmly reminded me that I needed to hold it together, that I couldn’t do anything for you in Arizona, but I could and had to take care of our son. Deep breaths. I was on the phone with Dad who was trying to sound composed; details of your injury were sketchy as they were still working on you. Broken pelvis. Internal bleeding. Broken ribs. And, the head injury. Dad didn’t offer the doctor’s prognosis and I didn’t ask, didn’t want to hear it honestly. I was scared and felt even more isolated, except for one thing; Baby Corbin.

I told Dad that I wanted to make sure there was a bed for me in your room that I wanted to stay with you. Also, I wanted to make sure that there was someone there that could check my blood pressure and make sure our son was hanging in there alright. Dad cried, “Oh, Baby. You can’t stay with him because he’s in ICU.” I didn’t understand how serious it all was then; how dramatically life was changing.

I got off the phone with Dad and immediately called D. I got her voicemail and kept calling until she answered finally on the fourth try. I told her that you were at North Fulton Regional Hospital after a motorcycle accident with a head injury. I asked her to call Doc and ask him if you were at the best place for your injuries. Surprisingly, it wasn’t long before she called me back to assure me that you were at one of the best hospitals for head injuries and she was already on her way to the hospital. She was still there when I came in after 2am.

..........I took to packing which wasn’t easy either. What do I take? I can’t take it all. How long will I be there? Am I coming back? I wound up packing work clothes thinking I would need to work as long as I could so we’d have some income coming in. Funny looking back on that now as I never went back to work pregnant. I had to buy everyday casual, hospital sitting clothes when I got to Atlanta.

Still packing, I stared into my closet organized by color and style. I wish I could blame you for my OCD problem, but think we just merely exaggerate each others. I scanned the clothes and landed near the back on black. Black pants, black button down shirt, black shirts, black dresses. Black dresses. I packed two with the hope that I wasn’t going to need to wear them to your funeral, a thought that hit me deep in my gut.

.......Aunt S was hovering like a mother would do, but not sure what to do for me. Uncle D was still on the phone and Jonathan was too. Once my bag was packed, I hugged little B’s neck one last time and then D. How do I explain this to D? I asked if he knew why I was having to leave and wouldn’t be coming back. He said “yea, Uncle Danny got hurt on his motorcycle.” It broke my heart to leave those boys when their mom was gone too; knowing that I wasn’t going to be living here, with them, watching them grow up, watching them grow up with Corbin running behind them.

.......When we got to the airport, I checked in and then we all walked to one of the food court areas. Jonathan made me eat something even though I felt like I’d throw it up. He also bought me something to eat for while I was on the plane.

Ironically, well, orchestrated by God, Pastor M, M and others were headed to a conference and were at the airport too. They found us in the food court and they all huddled around me, laid hands on me and prayed for you, for me and for Corbin. It was a bit comforting to me although I didn’t know what I was facing when I got to Atlanta.

It was time for me to get to the gate, where I had to go alone. Jonathan walked me as far as he could go, then stopped and hugged me. There were no words to say and he knew that. He just hugged me, told me he loved me and we walked away from each other.

Leaving Arizona under those circumstances, following all the drama of the past few weeks, knowing that we weren’t coming back and walking away from the dreams of being close to my family, seeing them regularly, vacations together, holidays together, summer barbecues with the kids swimming in the pool; all those dreams vanished into nothingness. No alternate plans, no other dreams, no future, no understanding; just black.

.......I sat on the front row in coach class; alone. There was no one on the whole row; all six seats were empty, but mine. I chose to sit near the window on the right side of the plane and quickly shelled out the $5 for the headphones for the movie; xXx: State of the Union. I had to get my mind on something else otherwise, I’d have gone crazy.

It was honestly, a peaceful flight in that it was quiet, I was alone on my row and I was isolated from what was really happening at home. There was literally nothing I could do but pray and no one could see me crying.

Once the movie was over, we still had about an hour before we were scheduled to land. I stood up and stretched the best I could; tried to move my legs around a bit. There was a nice couple on the other side of the plane, one row back. The woman was obviously sympathetic as to how pregnant I was and traveling. She offered me their pillows, but little did she know that those pillows were not going to comfort what ailed me.

I sat again and looked out the window into the darkness. I had no idea over what state we were, but could see some lights here and there. It was then that I saw this glowing light on the ground, but it was moving with us. I knew there was no way that it was a light of the plane reflecting off the ground. Soon, I realized that it was the moon, high above us reflecting off bodies of water on the ground. The reflection was so regular that it was almost like steps. It was in that glowing light, in the analogy of steps, in the reality that the light was moving with me, that the Light of the Lord shown through to my heart. It was like that Light spoke to my heart and said that He was with me.

Tears came, of course, but I was again trying to stay calm for Corbin. The isolation on the plane just mirrored what I felt in life. ........... It was overwhelming the feeling of the unknown, being alone and yet having Corbin in me; the responsibility falling on me. I can’t really put it into words except to say that it felt like someone had reached into my chest and was twisting my heart back and forth; that someone had knocked the breath out of me and though my stomach was full of baby boy, I felt empty.

Coming up the escalator in the airport to baggage claim, I felt like I was on the path between our old life and some new life waiting for me at the top. There was no turning back time or running back and holding onto what was lost; I had to move forward, move up the stairs. My heart thudded in my chest.

As I crested the top of the escalator, there were three bald men waiting for me. I remember commenting that there were “three of my favorite bald men.” Dad, D and J all came to hug me, take my bags and carry me from the airport. No one spoke a word about you and I didn’t ask, yet. I had no idea if you were alive at that point and I was scared to ask, scared to know what may lie ahead of us, ahead of me.

.......Dad and I in the back seat holding hands. I remember D and J were talking a bunch in the front seat; J even laughed and I remember feeling like he wouldn’t be laughing if you had died. Then I felt okay to ask questions, although to be honest, I don’t remember any conversation in the car though I know Dad told me bits and pieces of what was going on with you at the hospital.

.......However, I remember Dad walking me in the doors and I said something like “I bet the next time you all thought you’d see a Diaz in the hospital, it’d be me giving birth.” I hugged everyone there and thanked them for being there and then I asked Dad where we were going.

It was about 2am and the hospital was very quiet. Dad and I walked alone down the hallway; you could feel everyone watching us and he helped support me along the way. We stopped in front of huge, wooden double doors with the visiting hours posted. 2am did not make the list, but as we entered no one paid us any mind.

The Neuro ICU is in the shape of a half moon; the center being the nurses station and the outer being the patient rooms. You were in the far corner room. We walked around the nurses’ station and towards your doorway. You were facing the window; away from the door. The first things I noticed; the tube coming out of your head, tubes down your nose and a ventilator down your mouth, a neck brace, blood pressure cuff, heart rate monitor on your finger, your left leg in traction (a large weight was hanging off the end of the bed), road rash and lots of it, and dried blood pooled in your ears.

It was overwhelming, but I tried to remain calm. Looking back, I can tell I was in shock and denial and definitely naive to the gravity of the situation. I guess everyone is when they’re entering unfamiliar territory and this was definitely unfamiliar.

The night nurse came in to check your monitor and change your IV bag I believe. For the life of me, I haven’t been able to recall his name, but he was very kind and very thorough. He took off your blood pressure cuff and took mine since I was concerned for me and for Corbin.

Honestly, I don’t remember how long I stayed in the room and what exactly I did while I was there. I think I asked Dad questions about your injuries and what all the tubes were. I believe I talked to you; something to the effect of that I was coming back by the end of the week and that you didn’t have to do this to get me here quicker; a futile try at humor in a scary moment.

I remember walking back towards the waiting room, but don’t really remember stopping. I was so tired and overwhelmed and I knew I needed to rest. I stayed that night and several there after at Mom and Dad’s house. I slept in the bed with Mom while Dad slept in a twin bed in my old room. I didn’t want to be alone. My thoughts were all over the place and it was difficult to rest.

........Honestly, days at the hospitals melted together and I have a hard time specifically recalling each day. It’s more like bits and pieces. T.E. coming by with a cooler of drinks and snacks, Pastor C visiting for the first time with a room full of visitors, Dr. Weaver (neurologist) telling me and your parents that you could die from these injuries….wow, that moment was heavy.

I heard what he said and listened, but my heart couldn’t accept it. Your dad hugged me in the hallway and for a brief moment it felt like you holding me. I remember falling into the wall and sobbing. There was a rush of people coming to my aid and someone got a chair for me to sit. I recall D.M. being there and how sure she was that D would be healed, but he died instead. I cried out to anyone and everyone, “what if God says no? What if He says no?”

With all the unanswered questions about our marriage and then adding all the unanswered questions about your prognosis and our future, a huge weight sat on my chest, on my heart. I truly found out what is meant by heart ache; my heart really ached and there was heaviness to it, a compression to my lungs. Or maybe that was Corbin’s foot wedged underneath. I felt very lost and quite alone.

I went to our house alone and tore through it looking for answers to anything, but all I found were more questions. It was haunting being there and knowing that you wouldn’t be coming back here either. I smelled your clothes, went through draws and shoes and still there was silence. No answers. Just more questions.

And, I guess that is still where we live today. Some questions have been answered, only to be replaced with others. I wish I could tell you why this happened, what our future looks like, what purpose it serves in our lives. I wish I could take away your pain, confusion, frustration and give you back these missing years. I wish I could give you happiness, joy and a positive attitude, but I can’t. I can’t do any of that. But, God can. He can do all of it and more than we could think to ask or imagine.

As we’re here at this fourth anniversary mark, I will make the most of the faithfulness of God. I will put my focus on the laughter we’ve shared, the blessing of Corbin in our lives and the good that has come out of the darkness. I know we’re not out of the wilderness yet. I know there are times that it feels like we’re not moving at all, but I have to put my trust in the Lord for He is good all the time, even when it doesn’t feel good to me, to us.

I would encourage you to first and foremost thank the Lord no matter the circumstances; to praise Him and give Him the glory for what through Him you’ve been able to accomplish. It is only with Him that we have survived. Secondly, be thankful for the many things that you’ve been given following this day four years ago; an absolutely wonderful and healthy son, a renewed confidence in the love and support you have from me, an assurance of the love and support of our families, new and true friends, provision for all life’s needs and blessings beyond our imagination. Thirdly, pray the Lord would begin to reveal to you/us our next steps and the message He would have us deliver. Fourth, forgive yourself, God and any others that you may harbor grudges against. And, finally, LIVE life to the fullest!

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Forgive my lack of updates on Danny's progress at therapy or of how the filming went over the weekend. This is all I could get through today, but I thank God for His faithfulness, for His healing, for His strength, for His Spirit and for His promises. I am nothing, if I do not have Love.

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To this. Praise the Lord!

Video from Friday, June 19th without Bioness on right leg.

Corbin has this cute thing he says when he gets in trouble; "Mama, I lost my feelings." While I know he means that I hurt his feelings by getting after him, it touches my heart in the way he is trying to convey the message.

I, too, have lost my feelings.

My feelings are all over the board; off the board really. I go from highs to lows, east to west, longitudes and latitudes and just plain attitude. Again, I can't pinpoint to what I need to address these lost feelings. Who do I need to talk to to work it all out and bring life to this reality? Thus, the numbness sets in and I think about what was, the people we were and the life we enjoyed living and I grieve. I suffer. We suffer.

“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.” (Phil.1:29)

Thanks, but no thanks. I will just take my happy, go lucky, Christian living. I'm not spiritually mature enough to be granted such a privilege. God, give it to someone else more worthy of such a cause. I don't remember suffering being in the agreement when I opened the door to you. I didn't check that box agreeing to those terms and conditions; or did I?

Ouch. It isn't in our born nature to want to suffer and we avoid it at all costs. I mean, who really says "thank you sir, may I have another?"

I suppose we can bear suffering knowing and believing that His promises are true. There is a silver lining.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Cor. 1:5)

But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. (Job 36:15)

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.(Ps. 119:50)

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."(Mark 5:34)

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”(Rom. 8:17)

Silver lining. I was honored to find such a silver lining the other night; it was inside my child's heart.

I have often been plagued by the question of how these circumstances are affecting Corbin. Does he sense that something is "off?" Danny struggles with fatherhood at times and I find myself having to step up to the plate and be the tough one along with the nurturing one. Corbin in his developing three year old ways, recognizes that Danny doesn't have the ability to jerk the proverbial knot in his neck, so he tends to push the envelope further with Danny than he does me. It burns me up that he takes advantage of this, but moving back to my point. How does living with Danny's disability develop foundations of person in Corbin?

Sunday night we were able to take Corbin with us to see The Gipsy Kings concert, thanks to our friends K and D who came along for the fun. It enabled us to spend some time as a family, especially since Corbin is obsessed with Gipsy Kings music. Seriously, he is.

Nonetheless, about halfway through the concert, after it was dark, a young couple about our age entered and sat at the end of our aisle with their handicap son. Their son was about Corbin's age and was confined to a wheelchair. Being the active and observant little boy that he is, Corbin kept passing by these folks and I'm sure was working out this family in his little brain. He asked our friends K and D what the wheelchair was, what had happened to the little boy that he had to have a wheelchair and why. Heavy questions and he just kind of soaked it all in.

He'd watch the concert, sing along and steal glances at the little boy. Corbin had obviously made an impression on the other mother because she gave him a small stuffed lion. Corbin looked at it, clutched it and ran in my direction. I gave the obligatory wave of appreciation. But, what Corbin did next stopped me short and broke a bit off the wall of numbness.

"Mommy, I want you to talk to that boy." he says. "Why, Corbin?" I reply. "Because I want to give him my necklace." he answers.

Blinking back tears, I pick him up and hug him. K and D had bought a flashing, colorful light filled necklace for Corbin. Actually, they bought two because he broke the first one and cried wanting another. And, here he stands before me telling me that he wants to give it away.

So, Corbin gave out of his heart. He recognized a difference and gave a gift.

I found a silver lining.

As Kim Arnold writes what the Lord impressed upon her heart, the gifts are greater than the grief.

For this moment, that is enough.

Update on my nephew, Brett:

Thankfully, Brett does not have cancer. The cyst in his femur is a "shadowing" on the bone where it seems hard tissue and soft tissue meet. The doctor would like to see Brett in four months with a new X ray to see how the femur is healing. Thank you for your prayers for my brother's family and specifically for Brett. Praise the Lord! Another gift in the grief....

Last Thursday, May 21st, Corbin brought home my birthday surprise; my mom from the airport! Yes, I turned another year older over the Memorial Day weekend. More on that in a moment. It was nice to have Mom here and you can see that Corbin loved having his own personal playmate. They are pictured here on our balcony blowing bubbles.

Danny News:

Back on May 15th, Danny was able to walk outside again and I was excited to see it. It was kind of ironic that we were there in the garden where we used to take Danny on Sunday afternoons while he was an inpatient. I walked normally around the sidewalks and it was 160 steps for me. Danny doesn't always take full steps, so it was probably more for him. Here is a quick clip of his lap.

Unfortunately, our time outside was cut short since some idiot that had robbed a nearby bank was traveling on foot and armed. Security came outside and gathered everyone inside and then locked down Shepherd. No matter, Danny still walked so much during those two hours, outside and inside, that his shirts were soaked through with sweat. Glad to know his body is working properly since he didn't sweat for so long.

We also had our check up appointment with Dr. Kaelin and he was very pleased with Danny's progress and weight loss. Danny was more excited that he was given the green light to drink a beer, if he wants one. I actually took the boys out to grab a salad and a slice the next week and Danny had a Newcastle and I had a Corona, and Corbin behaved. It was really nice to sit there and be a tad bit more normal; to have less restrictions. Amazing what the ability to enjoy a beer did for Danny's spirit.

Life surprises me sometimes, well, rarely. I'm now at the apathetic part of life where I'm not really shocked by much. Nonetheless, I started this entry yesterday and I'm glad I waited until today to post it because of what I have to add next.

Danny had therapy yesterday that kicked his butt. I'd ordered his own walker for the house to do exercises with; sit to stands, transfers, etc., but no walking yet. He took it with him to therapy yesterday so they could get it set up for him and he could practice with it. He walked a total of three hours; first hour with the walker, second hour on the manual treadmill and last hour with the walker again. At the near end of the last hour, after being fatigued, Danny was able to do something huge. Twice, he walked unassisted with the walker for about 15 feet each time. I was so proud of him and I believe he was even proud of himself and rightly so! Candy told him he'd set the bar really high, so she'd like to see him do more of that in therapy so we can translate to the home. Yea, Danny!

On a closing note, I have to ask for prayer for my nephew Brett. He is the youngest of my brother's two boys. Doctors have discovered a "bone cyst" in his right femur, near the knee that they think may be cancer. Unfortunately, the facility that does pediatric MRIs can't take him for two weeks. Please pray for Jonathan and Kari as they deal with this heavy issue with their son and pray also for Brett that the cyst will not be cancer. Brett is four years old; he will be five years old in July. I know you all are fierce prayer warriors and I am thankful to be able to call on you during our times of need.

God bless you and keep you safe!