All things come and go….

But, some you can’t seem to shake.

Updates first.  Thoughts second.

Well, as for me and my house, we’re still surviving infection/allergies or avoiding it, like Danny, thankfully.

Corbin had his post op appointment and the good news is that the tubes are still there, still open and his hearing is normal.  However, he can’t shake this congestive cough and runny nose.  It doesn’t seem to bother him, but honestly, it bothers me.  He shouldn’t be hacking up junk for six months; there is something very wrong with that.  I mentioned this still lingering annoyance to the doctor who suggested we check his adenoids.  There are two ways to do this; scope or X-ray.  Considering my recent and very memorable moments with scopes up the nose, we decided to go with the less intrusive X-ray.  It still took me 20 minutes to convince Corbin that nothing was going to touch him and it wasn’t going to hurt.  Thankfully, the adenoids look normal; however, what the h%^l is going on with my kid?  Can’t someone please help him?  The doctor’s suggestion is to take him to have allergy tests performed.  You know how they do that for a four year old?  The same prickly way they do it for adults; many little shots.  If I can’t get Corbin to lay still for an X-ray, how the heck am I going to get him to be still for allergy testing?  Does anyone have any Valium I could borrow?

As for me, well, I finally have a week off of getting my face suctioned out and not really because I don’t need it, but because my ENT is relaxing with his family on the beaches of western Mexico.  I’m glad my surgery and weekly visits can help ease your stress, Doctor.  At my last visit before he started lathering on his sunscreen, he still had junk to pull out of my sinuses.  According to him, it was still pretty colorful and he was not happy about it.  He did say, though, that my sinuses look the best he’s ever seen them.  However, the crusties still needed to be taken care of.  So, another prescription to add to my ever growing list; some cream I have to swab in my nostrils twice a day.  You don’t want to get too much in there though cause it really burns going down the back of your throat.  Nonetheless, I’m glad I don’t have to see him this week.  He’s a nice man, but seriously, the specialist co-pays are killing me, not to mention all the instruments he somehow gets up in my face.  He’s like the clown car at the circus; let’s count how many things we can get up Allison’s nose at one time!

Danny has seemingly escaped this extensive round of whatever kind of germs we keep sharing.  I’m not sure how that happened, but I’m so thankful.  Although, Danny is going through some changes of his own.  We’re taking a break from Beyond Therapy.  I know.  Whoa.

Honestly, what brought on the talk of a break, is that donations are way down and we still owe for April and May.  Secondly, Danny has gone nonstop for almost three years.  Everyone needs a break, but the concern is that he’ll digress and lose some ground that he’s gained.  We talked extensively as a couple and with our families and decided that it was time to step back, let it go for a bit and get back in when donations pick back up, hopefully.  Danny, understandably, was a bit apprehensive about it, but understood why it was a good time; donations down, change in insurance companies and with a break comes a defining moment for him personally.  Can he do it on his own?  Can he find the motivation within himself to work hard?  Can he fight discouragement, distraction and defeat to push through and progress?  Can he prove it to himself that he CAN do it?

The Beyond Therapy group has become like a family to us and certainly friends.  They’ve supported us throughout, never wavering.  They got after Danny when he needed it and praised him when he needed that.  They push him to do things he thinks himself incapable of and he succeeds.  And, although, Danny will still be heading down to exercise on his own (the therapists built him an exercise program), he won’t have their undivided attention.  He won’t have that social interaction that he’s come to love.  So what do we add to Danny’s daily life to take it’s place?  Work.  Not exercise, but therapeutic work.  That thing that Dr. M, the neuro-psychologist, was talking about back in January.

Amazingly, Danny still has a mind for construction and mechanics; that knowledge was not lost when he was injured.  Obviously, though, he doesn’t have the ability to build decks and customize motorcycles right now.  So, let’s bring it down to a smaller level, right?  Danny is going to try his hand at building birdhouses and window boxes.  I’m not sure how this is going to work, but I’m hopeful that not only will it give Danny something to do outside of therapy and home, but it will also work his brain and hands (the left hand/arm is weakest) therapeutically.  He’s not going to be great at it at first and I don’t care if we sell them at all, but I want Danny to feel productive.  Right now, he just feels like a burden, but if he is creating something, building something relatively on his own, I believe he will have a visual assurance that he has accomplished something.  I hope that makes him feel good about himself because he definitely needs that.  We all do.  I will be doing this alongside him, of course and I’m kind of excited to do something creative.  I miss being creative.  And, just maybe, doing this together, will bring us closer and build something new in our relationship.

That leads me to my thoughts.  Thoughts I’m apprehensive to share; to put out here in Cyberspace.  Thoughts that do not match the way I present myself publicly.  I’m not sure if that makes me hypocritical, but I certainly hope not.

I put on my happy face.  I stay busy with the things that need to be done and that leaves little time to really be honest with myself.  If I stay busy, then I don’t have to deal with reality.  But, the truth is that I’m broken, unhappy, apathetic, and just sad.  I can’t seem to shake it.  I listen to worship music and that seems to take it away, but it isn’t long before it creeps back on me like an annoying mosquito, sucking the life out of me.

I miss myself.  I’m not sure where she went.  She is mother, she is wife, but she is Caregiver, cleaner, laundry doer and employee.  She is taxi driver and grocery shopper.  She has to be everything to everyone else, but herself.  I know there are other wives and mothers that may feel that way, but if it were a competition, and it’s not, I think I’d be a top contender for the most lost.  I know I have to take time for myself.  Blah, blah, blah.  If you only knew what has to happen for some alone time to take place.

I’m not sure God sees me.  Does he see my hurt?  Can he look in my heart and see it’s wounds; some fresh and some scarred?  Does he want to relieve my pain?  Does he want to restore my husband and thus restore my family?  And, if he wants to, what is he waiting for?  I would give it to him.  I would find a way to make it happen, but the most frustrating thing is that no matter how many loads of laundry I do, no matter how clean my house is or how stocked the fridge is, no matter how much money I make or how many donations we get, no matter how many hours we spend in therapy, I still feel stuck in the same hell, just a different day.

Where is God?  I know I’m having my own personal pity party right now, so if you want to excuse yourself, feel free to close this window and move on.  But, where is He?  I rarely find him.  I know he is there because he tells me so in His Word, but I don’t feel him.  In fact, I feel kind of abandoned.  Just being honest.  I know when donations come in and the money is somehow there to pay bills, He is the Provider.  I know that He is in Corbin’s smile and that is a gift to me.  I know He gave us our home and all our many blessings.  I know he is in our families for their undying support and yet, I still feel alone.  My head knows the truth, but my heart feels otherwise.

I look in the mirror, but only briefly.  I don’t want to address the pain there in my eyes.  I can see it.  Can you?  I find myself pushing people away from helping us because I don’t want to be let down when they disappear anyway, when they get overwhelmed by the magnitude of our lives.  I know it’s a lot and I don’t like to ask people to carry it; it’s too much to put on someone else.  My feelings are hurt and I’ve begun to put up walls to protect myself.  Most of all, I’ve put up walls between me and Danny.

New Danny has hurt my feelings; many times and for a long time.  I’ve said things before on here that I’m sure I don’t really need to repeat, but perhaps for my own therapy, I should.  Danny doesn’t hurt my feelings all the time; it’s a roller coaster.  We’ll be going along slow and steady, and then the ground falls out from under us and my wall goes back up.  I know Danny is frustrated and unhappy; it’s understandable.  But, no matter the reason, brain injury or not, I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that frustration.  And, I certainly, don’t want Corbin to see or experience that either.  But, it happens.  And, I don’t know what to do.

I know that there is enormous pressure on our relationship.  I know that Satan wants there to be; God’ Word says he is a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  I’m sure Satan would like to just gobble up our marriage, but I don’t want to let that happen.  Yet, at some point, I feel like I have to stop blaming Satan for Danny’s bad behavior.  I have to hold Danny responsible.  If I do that though, if I chalk it up to Danny’s choices, then we have serious problems.  And, I don’t know how to handle that.  We need counseling.  I need counseling, but before you go calling the suicide Hotline on me, I assure you, I’m not suicidal.  Just wanted to confirm that before I wrote anymore.

So, we need counseling, but then my mind gets all confused again.  Where do we go for counseling?  Shepherd, where they have knowledge of brain injuries?  Well, then we won’t get a spiritual aspect to our situation and as Christians, I feel we need that perspective.  So, if we go to a Christian counselor, are they equipped and experienced in dealing with people with brain injuries?  Will Danny even benefit from counseling since he has trouble remembering things?  And, when are we going to go to said counseling?  Hmmmm, maybe this is what the break time is for.  Plus, we’d have to pay for counseling and where am I going to find room in the budget (ha, ha) for that?  Therefore, I do nothing, but wait for things to get better, and then they do, but then I’m waiting for the loopty-loop again, stacking bricks for my wall.

I think part of my hurt is that, wait for it cause here it comes, I don’t feel important enough to Danny for him to consistently choose to be the husband I need him to be for me.  At least, that is how my heart seems to be interpreting it.  I’ve told him a thousand times and a thousand different ways what I need from him and it’s not to walk or have a job; those are his expectations of what a husband is to be.  I expect kindness, tenderness, patience, love, consideration, and respect.  And, none of those things can only come when he walks again because they come from the heart.  However, if he doesn’t have the biological ability to think before he speaks or acts, can I hold him accountable?  Is that even fair to have that expectation?

This isn’t the life I want for us.  This isn’t the marriage I want for us.  This isn’t the relationship I want our son to see and think alright because it isn’t.  But, I don’t know how to fix it and I’m waiting for God to do it and it doesn’t seem to be that He is.  So, I go back to my question.  Where is God in this mess?  The spiritual me is fighting the human me and my brain is really tired.  I’m tired.  I don’t want this anymore and my heart is screaming for something to change.  And, yet, it doesn’t.  It’s just another day.  Another day that Corbin gets older and notices more, is aware of it more and thus has to deal with it as a mere four year old boy.  The mama bear in me wants to shield him from that; to protect him and yet, I’m not sure I can and I hate myself for that.  Those feelings make me second guess my decision to stand by my man and yet, in the darkest recesses of my heart, my head and my soul, I do feel the Lord’s prodding.  “Don’t give up.  Press on.  Ask and you shall receive.  I will restore.”

So, what’s He waiting for?  I think He’s waiting on Danny to give up Danny’s own will and to want nothing more than to fulfill God’s purpose in his life; even if that means he sits in that chair for the remainder of his life.  Only God can pull Danny close and only Danny can draw near to God.  It’s not me.  I can’t do it for Danny and maybe that is what frustrates me the most.  I can fulfill all of Danny’s daily living needs.  I can clean his clothes and get him dressed.  I can cook dinner and get his medicines.  I can shave his head and get him in the shower, but I can’t make him choose to trust God.  I can’t make him surrender to God.  He has to make that choice, but does he have the ability to make it?  I think he does; he makes many decisions in his life.  Why can’t he make this one?

I ask again; where is God?  And, as I keep asking and as I write this, it comes to me.  He is in the bird that never seems to sleep, that sings on our balcony each morning and sings in the tips of the trees at night.  God in the sunsets we see each evening and the flowers that bloom outside our window.  He is in Corbin’s unrestrained laughter and He is in Danny as he raises his hand in worship.  He is in me, giving me strength to get through each day and He is in the song that seems to break down my wall to Him too.  I know He loves me.  It’s just hard to accept it when my life seems so hard.  How could He love me when He can make it all better?  And, yet, I know from the Word that there is a blessing awaiting me.  I just hope it’s on this earth cause I’m not sure I can make it until I get to heaven.

This all came on August 16, 2005 and I’m ready for it to go.

Thanks for reading, listening and hopefully, not judging.

The following lyrics are from a song called “Hold My Heart” by Tenth Avenue North.  It is like they plucked it from my mind.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I’m on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.
I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.