Dear Diary,

I haven’t talked to you in a long time.  I’ve been writing this thing called a blog; it’s like a diary, but you put it out there for everyone to read.  I know; it’s not really private and it puts me in a very vulnerable position.  But, somehow, vulnerability and transparency are refreshing.  Sometimes readers may be inspired and sometimes, they’re just thankful they’re not me.

Dear Diary,

I lost my job.  Thankfully, not because I wasn’t good at it, but for many other corporate America politics.  Nonetheless, it’s a new feeling for me; failure and not measuring up to whatever impossible standards I’ve put on myself.  I hear you; I can’t set unrealistic expectations, it wasn’t my fault and maybe it’s the beginning of something new.  But, right now, it just feels like something terrible.  It’s not like I loved the job, but it did offer some kind of security.  Now, I get to make big, grown up decisions and I don’t want to.  It’s just another constant reminder that life isn’t how it was dreamed to be for me….for us.  I want to be where God wants me, but to be frank, what the hell is taking Him so long?  I know, I know.  He doesn’t work on our time table…blah, blah, blah.  I’ve heard it all my life, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I don’t.

Dear Diary,

My dear husband….he’s so miserable and nothing I do seems to help.  Yes, again, I hear your voice…it’s not up to me to make him happy.  But, his unhappiness colors my world and the only color in his Crayola box is black.  There is one bright one; Corbin, but I’m saving him for later.  Anyway, Danny hurts all the time.  You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  It’s all he ever thinks about.  He needs Jesus and I’ve come to realize that I can’t be Jesus for him either.  Again, totally unrealistic expectation for me to be Jesus.  I know; it’s out there.  How do I do this?  Every night when I get him in bed, when I help him turn and get comfortable, I think about it.  It’s difficult not to; can I do this for the rest of my life?  It’s a harsh mirror to face and I honestly don’t know the answer.  He’s wiped out, dry and apathetic or am I really talking about me?  Maybe it’s both of us.  Aren’t we fun at parties?

Dear Diary,

I’m so angry on so many levels and the difficulty is, that I have no one to be mad at or take it out on.  Diary, on a side note, please forgive me ending sentences in prepositions.  Moving on…I’m so pissed.  It’s wrong, wrong, wrong.  I know.  I hear you whispering….”all things work together for the good of those who love Jesus.”  My response to that is for you to see the first entry on God’s timing.  Blah!  You know what always comes to my mind?  The story of Jacob and Rebecca; a true love story.  Jacob worked for SEVEN years for Rebecca, only to get short changed with Leah.  So, he worked another SEVEN years and finally got Rebecca.  Fourteen years????  Please, God, don’t make me wait 14 years for my Danny to come back.  I mean, we don’t live to 900 anymore.  What the crap is happening here?  Why is God seemingly silent on the big things?   I know He’s given us His Word, but most of the time, I read it and it hits like a speck of dust.  Nothing moves me anymore.  I don’t seem to cry anymore.  When disappointment comes, I’m expecting it.  Why should anything be easy for me?  Why am I the one that has to work so hard to get through each day?  Diary, I know I’m being selfish right now, but aren’t I allowed to wallow in this sometimes?  I know it sucks for Danny and it isn’t fair for Corbin, though he knows no difference, for now, at least.  It isn’t what my in-laws or my parents dreamed for their kids’ lives either.  It takes so many people just to execute each day and get my three people through it.  How long do we have to depend on others, to be the burden, the difficulty?  I try to take it all so I’m not asking too much of others and I lose myself in the process.  So, I’m angry.  I’m angry about things that would be wrong to speak of, much less to write to my diary.  My heart feels like it’s been colored with those black crayons; it hurts, but is now constantly protected for fear of more disappointment…mostly, in myself because I can’t fix any of it.

Dear Diary,

Corbin is the greatest thing since sliced bread and peanut butter.  I love that kid.  Parenting is hard and seemingly harder in this journey.  I can’t figure it out although, I would reason most parents figure it out along the way.  There are so many balls in the air with many different names and sometimes, Corbin gets pushed aside even though that isn’t what I want.  I just can’t be everywhere at one time and I can’t be everything for everybody; those expectations creep in again.  Blasted!  Corbin is five and a half years old; he won’t let me forget the half.  Before I blink my eyes, he’s going to be leaving this house.  I don’t want to screw up as a parent for uncontrollable circumstances.  I can’t fix it.  I guess I just have to live through it.  But, getting through it, is easier with Corbin.  Maybe that is why God gave him to us unexpectedly?

Dear Diary,

You don’t happen to have an Easy button, do you?  Or, a couple million dollars hanging around?  That would  help too.

9 thoughts on “Dear Diary

  • April 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

    How did you get inside my head and articulate what I feel?
    I’m ordering an Easy button right now. . . unfortunately, there
    is a law against robbing banks, so I can’t put my hands on the
    million bucks. However, I remember that Someone owns the
    cattle on a thousand hills. Perhaps He will sell some of that
    cattle and send the million dollars or so. Hope and Grace – we
    need some more of that! You are loved – I know it is not enough
    right now – but, you are loved!

  • April 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    It was wonderful talking to you the other day. I was so happy to hear your voice. I wish I had some clever wise encouraging words for you, but I’m not as eloquent as you or your sweet mama. I do love you bunches though. It has been way to long since we’ve seen each other. I want to see little Corbin face to face so I can see how much he has grown. Well, you’ll all remain in our thoughts and prayers. Until next time, Farrah

  • April 14, 2011 at 4:48 am

    I’m not sure, but I think the Easy buttons are back-ordered. In the meantime, I’ll join with others in prayer and thanksgiving for you. And yes, you ARE loved lots and lots!

  • April 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    I found this on Facebook and thought of you.

    Papa’s Pantry
    Know any administrative assistants looking for work? Papa’s Pantry is hiring! Serious candidates can email a resume to Please no telephone calls. Pass the word! Thanks!

    I hope this helps. Miss you guys. Hopefully we will be home for the baby dedication in May. I’ll let you know.

    Love you,

  • April 15, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Oh Allison. ((hugs)) I know I haven’t seen you since 8th grade, but that also feels like yesterday. This journey is so hard and I wish I could do something to ease the pain.

  • April 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Hey Allison,
    Nothing I can say is adequate, but I can’t let that keep me from saying something. Hang in there. Keep walking, day by day. Keep loving. Keep writing. We love you – all three of you. Your words prompt our prayers and we’ll keep praying.
    Love, Vanessa

  • April 22, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Cuz. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Of course, I wish I had something to say to encourage you, but there certainly isn’t an easy answer. All I can say is that I love you three very much and I am begging God to do something HUGE for you guys! I miss you. I’m also going to pray for amazing ticket prices. It’s definitely time for an Arizona visit!!!

  • April 23, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    This post is for Danny and Allison…
    I was hoping the Spinal Center is what my husband needs. I’m not sure!? “J” is VERY MISERABLE!!! “J” had his first major head trauma in 1976 (1,200 lb. engine hit his head while working). Then on 9/11/2001, he was diagnosed with a mitochondrial disease (neural-muscular). He hasn’t worked since 2000, nor drive. Yes, Allison, I have to do it ALL, also. It is NOT easy!!!

    Let me tell you both why God gave you your son. Allison needs to take care of Corbin for a distraction. Care-giving is all consuming. When Alison is caring for Corbin, that allows her to re-focus her energy. That is healing; she needs that!! 🙂

    “J” falls often due to cataplexy. I so fear the cumulative effect of continual brain trauma. I know each fall (w/ or w/o a helmet) is detrimental. “J” is gets angry for no reason. He has no “real” life.
    When I’m at work, he plays with our dog, texts his cousins & son, washes clothes, is on the computer, and cooks me dinner. I am thankful for small things!

    Yes, my family feels bad for me/him. I also have diabetes (pump) and other auto-immune diseases. I have had diabetes 31 years and no complications; I am happy or is it lucky? Since I’m relatively healthy, I can focus on “J” and whoever else needs me. HA! I am a teacher of deaf kids and when I’m at work, I can leave “J” at home. It’s funny at school…they help me with my blood sugar and I help them. Great tag-teaming!!

    I know that my husband’s condition will only deteriorate; but we all deteriorate, anyway. I try to find some fun, here and there. I always try to have something to look forward to. That keeps me going. “J” and I vacation every summer, so we’re looking forward to that…

    Let me leave you with: These sayings that help me, “Allow yourself to color outside the lines” or “Laugh at the Rules” or “Agree with your imagination”. PEACE!

  • June 2, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Allison, I cannot begin to know how it feels to live in your shoes. I do know that God is in control. We all have our situations in which we are pretty much mad at God and don’t understand why He is not seemilngly moving and even more so why we cannot feel Him or see Him in our circumstance. I am there too. So, as I go through my situation I want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you in your situation. Know that you are loved and prayed for by so many people…some who know you and some who do not! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you….I mean it! I would happily bring you food or anything that you need! I pray that you will feel His love today and know that you are not forgotten! Love you!

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