Ever have one of those days?
One of those days when life keeps the punches coming; one.right.after.another.
After a busy, suffocating day at work, a forty minute conversation with Corbin’s teacher and a lesson to Danny on why we don’t use debit cards for online purchases, I bombed dinner too.
It was one of those days where you look towards the sky and defiantly say “are you kidding me?” to God and perhaps a bit of “enough already.”
A busy day at work is typical and expected.
What isn’t expected is that my child is again “drawing attention to himself” and being “disrespectful” in class.
And, I start analyzing every move I’ve made as a mother, every day that’s been hard, each sentence he’s said that hurts my mother heart.
Am I doing this to him? Is he confused, frustrated and angry at our circumstances? Is he able to articulate what he’s feeling? Is someone bullying him at school? Why does he hate school? Is he bored? Is he just being 7? Is he pushing boundaries because we haven’t been hard enough disciplinarians? Is this about Danny? How can I fix it?
Am I doing something wrong? Am I the only mother who feels like she’s failing her child?
On the days that I can only focus on the simple task at hand because I am so tired; am I enough for him? Am I doing right by him?
On the days that I have nothing left in my emotional tank to give, when I’ve been sapped dry; does he know that I love him?
When he cries and tells me I don’t love him, is it normal? Or is it punishment?
I can’t give him the Daddy we want him to have. Does he know what he’s missing?
I can’t be the mom I want to be for him- I can only just be; just get through each day.
We are flawed. We are scarred. But, we are held in the hand of the Almighty.
All our failures. All our shortcomings. All our neglect, frustrations and resentment is forgiven and forgiven again.
For when He saw us, He still loved us.
In this, for all my failures as a mom and a wife (I’m sure there will be more), for everything that we aren’t, for everything that isn’t, He is enough.
He has to be. He’s all I’ve got.
So, I’ll leave work a bit earlier today, cook something he loves for dinner and tell him I heard that he had a really, really great day at school today. I’ll read Toad & Frog with him and then snuggle with him after our prayers.
All the time praying that one day, he’ll understand all our mess and he’ll love me all the more. That he’ll be a better man, a better husband and downright the best father any kid could ever ask for. That he’ll know Jesus and follow Him with each piece of his life and that when he talks about his parents, he’ll beam with pride that we were the best parents just for him. With all our failures, for all that we aren’t, for all that isn’t, we laugh, we love and we live out our life the best way we can for God’s glory.