Ever have one of those days?

One of those days when life keeps the punches coming; one.right.after.another.

After a busy, suffocating day at work, a forty minute conversation with Corbin’s teacher and a lesson to Danny on why we don’t use debit cards for online purchases, I bombed dinner too.

It was one of those days where you look towards the sky and defiantly say “are you kidding me?” to God and perhaps a bit of “enough already.”

A busy day at work is typical and expected.

What isn’t expected is that my child is again “drawing attention to himself” and being “disrespectful” in class.

And, I start analyzing every move I’ve made as a mother, every day that’s been hard, each sentence he’s said that hurts my mother heart.

Am I doing this to him? Is he confused, frustrated and angry at our circumstances? Is he able to articulate what he’s feeling? Is someone bullying him at school? Why does he hate school? Is he bored? Is he just being 7? Is he pushing boundaries because we haven’t been hard enough disciplinarians? Is this about Danny? How can I fix it?

Am I doing something wrong? Am I the only mother who feels like she’s failing her child?

On the days that I can only focus on the simple task at hand because I am so tired; am I enough for him? Am I doing right by him?

On the days that I have nothing left in my emotional tank to give, when I’ve been sapped dry; does he know that I love him?

When he cries and tells me I don’t love him, is it normal? Or is it punishment?

I can’t give him the Daddy we want him to have. Does he know what he’s missing?

I can’t be the mom I want to be for him- I can only just be; just get through each day.

We are flawed. We are scarred. But, we are held in the hand of the Almighty.

All our failures. All our shortcomings. All our neglect, frustrations and resentment is forgiven and forgiven again.

For when He saw us, He still loved us.

In this, for all my failures as a mom and a wife (I’m sure there will be more), for everything that we aren’t, for everything that isn’t, He is enough.

He has to be. He’s all I’ve got.

So, I’ll leave work a bit earlier today, cook something he loves for dinner and tell him I heard that he had a really, really great day at school today. I’ll read Toad & Frog with him and then snuggle with him after our prayers.

All the time praying that one day, he’ll understand all our mess and he’ll love me all the more. That he’ll be a better man, a better husband and downright the best father any kid could ever ask for. That he’ll know Jesus and follow Him with each piece of his life and that when he talks about his parents, he’ll beam with pride that we were the best parents just for him. With all our failures, for all that we aren’t, for all that isn’t, we laugh, we love and we live out our life the best way we can for God’s glory.

6 thoughts on “Failing

  • February 11, 2013 at 4:43 pm
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    Allison You are amazing you are strong you are beautiful you are more of a mother and wife than so many women out there who think they’ve got it all figured out you impress and touch more people than you even know. Always praying for you Danny and Corbin.
    much love

  • February 11, 2013 at 5:14 pm
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    Oh friend. Corbin sees sacrificial love in action. What better mirror to Christ than that? I pray God sends encouragement to you that only He could orchestrate, that touches your very soul and spreads healing throughout. Love you.

  • February 11, 2013 at 6:14 pm
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    All we can do is all we can do. And you juggle more in one day than most do in a week. Be at peace; in time Corbin will call you blessed. You are making a difference in his life. Don’t listen to that negative tape-you are just the right mom for Corbin. You are just the right daughter for me!

  • February 11, 2013 at 7:58 pm
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    Allison, I read your blog and ask how does she do it all. You are such an amazing woman.

    You have stood when most would have folded.
    You have persevered when most would have given up.
    You have loved when most would have hated.
    You have encouraged when most would have discouraged.
    You have shown Christ’s light when most would have hidden it.

    I pray that Christ will give you additional strength and will recharge your emotional tanks.

  • February 11, 2013 at 10:57 pm
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    My sweet Allison, may our Lord give you comfort in knowing that even if there are some things that are not perfect in your home, His grace is sufficient and will reward your efforts. Rest in His sufficentcy. I love you.

  • February 15, 2013 at 10:44 am
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    Alison we have never met and I have never wrote to you as I have always been at a loss for words. I heard about you and your husband through the baby web site I was on and I have prayed for you both for healing and for strength. This blog stood out to me and spoke to me as a mom and I decided that perhaps this time I might have the words. Please know that only a good mother questions if she is being a good mom, only a good wife questions if they are a good wife and only a faithful christian questions whether their faith is strong enough. The fact that you are asking these questions mean that you are a good mom, wife, Christian and person.

    I will continue to pray for you all and know that God will continue to guide you where you need to go

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