I don’t even know where to start today. My thoughts and feelings are all over the board and I find myself screaming on the inside. Ever do that? Find yourself wanting to scream out loud or throw something out of frustration? Today, I feel like that. It seems that every avenue I look to for assistance or improvement for Danny is a dead end; do not pass go and there is no $200 for you, in fact, you need to pay the piper.

For example, Danny has suddenly and unexplainably decided he doesn’t want Javier to help him. I have no idea what created this feeling and I can’t get Danny to pinpoint what he doesn’t like; but, it is so tense when Javier has to help Danny, I just wait for Danny to unload on him. It shouldn’t be that way. Javier isn’t family and shouldn’t have to put up with Danny’s poor behavior and bad attitude.

Anyway, because of Danny’s issues with Javier, we need to hire someone else to come in the home and get Danny ready in the morning. I called our medical provider to see what benefit was available to help offset some of the costs of hiring someone from an agency. Well, according to them, that is considered “custodial care” and of course, is not covered by our plan; our plan is the most expensive one offered by my employer, but where is the benefit when I need it? Ahhhhhh! I mean, I’m already trying to get Danny in Beyond Therapy which insurance doesn’t cover because it isn’t “medically necessary.”

We went back to Dr. Dunlevie for another lipid profile. Danny’s liver enzymes have actually increased and his cholesterol is still extremely high at 293. So, we’re off to the liver specialist on Tuesday and will more than likely have to have a liver biopsy done to see what the problem is or make sure there is not something more serious going on in there. The funny thing is that the fatty liver and the high cholesterol are things that can be resolved by losing weight. Well, that would be easy if Danny were cooperative with his diet and the minimal exercise program that we have in place, but he isn’t. He tells me just to put his feeding tube back in if I want to control him. It’s like reasoning with a child sometimes.

I miss my husband. I hate it that I have all these issues and I can’t go to him with them to vent or cry, whatever. When I do, he tells me to take Corbin and leave him; that I’d be happier. All I want is Danny; the man I married. Where is he? It is days like today that I wonder where God is in all this. I know He has a great plan and I’m ready for it to come to fruition. Danny questions God, why He “let this happen to” him and why it is taking so long. The frustrating part is that I know Danny isn’t surrendering to God and I begin to wonder if that is what is taking so long. I’m disappointed because I know that God will not force His will on Danny and Danny won’t submit. He is too hung up on why this had to happen instead of releasing it to God and crying out “have your way, Lord.” So, I pray that like the men who lowered their paralyzed friend down to Jesus, the Lord would look at my faith and heal Danny.

Danny is on this emotional rollercoaster, on this personality rollercoaster as a result of his head injury. The unfortunate thing is that we’re on this ride too. It is so difficult for me to emotionally separate the two Dannys; meaning that it is hard not to take the rude and disrespectful things he says to me personally, yet believe and cling to the sweet and loving things he says and does. I got to work on Tuesday and had two “I love you” voicemails from him from over the weekend. Wow! That was such a surprise and made me feel so special. Yet, I hate to admit it, but I now wait for the other shoe to drop so to say. I know that feeling is fleeting and I want off this ride. I’m getting motion sick and don’t want to go upside down anymore. Could I leave Danny? No, how can I leave myself? Danny and I are one and I’m discovering just how significant that verse is; we two are one. When Danny does act poorly, we share the misery, for different reasons, but still we both bear it. In turn, when I get inpatient with Danny, I can see the hurt in his eyes and that hurts me too. The enemy is strong, but I cling to the promise that He that is in me is stronger; that the battle has already been won and that He will never leave us.