One thing that my sweet Mama always said about me was that I was tender hearted.
Well, I don’t feel that way anymore.
Hello, My Name is Hard Hearted Hannah.
It’s not that my heart is a rock, but there is more of a protective coating around it.
When you’ve been in a battle for almost six years, it wears on you inside and out.
Danny and I were talking this evening about “being over it,” but I think he was actually more concerned about me being over him.
You want transparency? Here it is.
Have I thought about leaving? Sure. More than once? Yes.
My reality is that not only do I carry the Mother and Wife roles, but I also hold the typical husband roles as well. It may not be that way, because we do have a lot of support, but it feels like the weight of everything is on me.
Whatever job I end up with affects everyone in our support system. What happens if Danny is left without a caregiver? How can I manage that? How can I get the bike to sell? Does Danny need any refills on medications? Who’s taking him to this and who’s taking Corbin to there?
It’s crazy and yes, sometimes I get over it.
What doesn’t help though and like I shared with Danny, is when he allows the situation to get the best of him. Danny has always been and is still his worst critic. He has terrible self esteem that is only exacerbated by being dependent for most everything in his life.
And, when you’re around someone that is down the majority of the time, it wears on you too.
I’m not over Danny. That would be impossible. But, I want to fight this battle with him, not against or for him.
A positive attitude and hard work go a long way.
So, after dealing with the difficulty physically and emotionally, it gets old, but it’s easier when we do it together.
My heart grew that protective coating over months and years of emotional roller-coasters.
I don’t like it.
But, it’s going to take some time to break off the shell.
It’s going to take time to move from the interim and the recovery and learn to live free.
I’m not sure I’ve articulated my feelings and thoughts very well on this one. It kind of got jumbled. Of course, it’s late and the brain is wanting to shut down. I’m inclined to do so.
Until tomorrow.
