Help!

I know, I know, its been a really long time since I wrote.

I have had a lot going on from getting a new car, new wheelchair, taking a break from Beyond Therapy, time at Shepherd Pathways and not to mention, getting a dog.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the biggest change.  Candy, my therapist that I have grown to love and who has been there since I started in Beyond Therapy, got an offer to work at a sister hospital to Shepherd out west.  This happened while I was on my break from BT.

Although the break was not what I wanted, due to lack of funding, it was necessary.  It actually turned out to be a good thing for many reasons, even because I got to go back to Shepherd Pathways.

Pathways is Shepherd’s outpatient brain injury facility.  I had not been there for a really long time.  It gave me some insight into how bad I really was as I looked at other patients there who were not far from their date of injury.  I had gotten a bit burned out trying to get my life back and seeing other people like me, gave me fresh motivation.

I was really down and out about Candy leaving.  It really made me sad, but at the same time happy for her.  It was hard though not to think about how it was going to affect me and my recovery.  She had always been supportive and such an encouragement to me.  Outside of my family, she believed in me more than anyone which made me believe in myself some too.

I’m now back in Beyond Therapy thanks to some generous donations.  I’m not sure for how long so that motivates me to work that much harder.  I don’t want to be like this and seeing people at Pathways lit the fire in my heart and gave me a kick in the butt to do whatever it takes.

Although I miss Candy, her replacement is good too.  She pushes me and has a new course of therapy for me to follow.  It seems that this new course and new exercises have awakened places in my body that had still been sleeping.  They kicked my butt last week, especially working on my core.  I felt my abs like I’ve never felt them before.  Your core is the mid section of your body, mainly your abs and back.  This is the area that I seemed to have the hardest time isolating with exercise.  I had been compensating my movements so as not to use my core outside of my comfort zone.  However, they figured me out and started a new thing with me on a gym bench, usually twice a week.

I feel like I’m on the verge of another big step in my recovery, but funding is to the point to where I don’t know that I’ll be able to continue past the end of the year.  How does that make me feel?  It makes me feel trapped.  It makes me feel like I take two steps forward, only to be set three steps back again.  I can’t gain any ground before it’s taken out from under me.

My family has been campaigning for me for years; trying to raise the funds to get and keep me in Beyond Therapy.  And now, Allison has lost her job.  She’s just trying to find a job to make ends meet at the very least and Beyond Therapy is unfortunately, extra.  Although it is important, it doesn’t put food on our table or pay the bills.

I feel helpless to everyone.  I feel frustrated because I can’t get a job and pay for things myself.  I’m always dependent for everything from money to take care of my family to getting myself to the toilet, I’m dependent.  I feel like less than a man.  Where is my man card and how do I get it back?

I know it’s the holiday season and money is low this time of year, but if it is at all possible, no amount is too small, please give if you can.  Although I hate to ask for handouts, I’m at a point where I need to, to get past this next stage in my recovery and hopefully, find my man card again.

From Allison: Danny had a lot of things going through his mind so I helped him type this post.  With his permission, I did change some sentence structure and punctuation, but these thoughts and feelings came from him alone.