Do you remember your high school Homecoming? Most schools celebrate it during their football season, but ours was during basketball season; usually the end of January. It was a great time; exciting. Everyone was pumped up with their school and class spirit. Girls were honored to represent their classes and were busy picking out the perfect dress. Lots of decisions were being made, along with memories never forgotten.
In the majority of my schooling, in those memories, there is a face that jumps in the pictures of my mind along the way.
We used to flirt; a bunch. Nothing more than flirting; laughing, play fighting, hugging, teasing. The thing is, in all those memories, Danny had a smile on his face. He is always laughing and there is a brightness in his eyes.
However, in the last five years, those eyes have changed along with my memories. My heart is broken and longs for that man with the light in his eyes; the laughter in his voice.
Today, in the misty, humid rain, looking out the windows from the vantage of our building, I miss the love of my life.
Life means something else now.
There was a sermon given in church a few Wednesdays ago and while Danny was in choir practice, I sat alone in the back. The message was about our God planted desire to live an extraordinary life; one that means something and is more exciting than the normal. We, as Christians, want to make our life mean something, to make an impression that remains when we’re gone.
Am I wrong to desire the normal, the ordinary? Living in this dimension, I long to walk ‘under the radar.’
I want the middle class American dream. I don’t want to be an example.
Your admiration, your compliments, your comments on my strength, will and faith, well, they are nice to hear, but I’d trade them for that man with the bright eyes to be back in my life. I would trade them for Danny to be that joyful again.
I’ve been fighting for him in a battle that is bigger than me and I recognize that. It’s a battle that has no end, and this warrior is weary.
That hot guy with the laughing face, he always picked me up. He was my constant, my loyal friend, my confidant and always reliable. He comforted and made me feel good about myself. He somehow, knew the words to say, the way to put his arm around me and hug me without making me second guess his intentions. He protected me and in many ways, always loved me though that love has matured and changed through the years. Where did he go? I’ve been robbed. My heart was taken when Danny’s laughter was silenced, when his eyes blanked out.
Five years is a long time to wait for life to begin again. How do we build it; the new life? What decisions do we make and how do we get excited to live again? How can we make it back to ordinary? How do we come back home?