Do you remember your high school Homecoming? Most schools celebrate it during their football season, but ours was during basketball season; usually the end of January. It was a great time; exciting. Everyone was pumped up with their school and class spirit. Girls were honored to represent their classes and were busy picking out the perfect dress. Lots of decisions were being made, along with memories never forgotten.
In the majority of my schooling, in those memories, there is a face that jumps in the pictures of my mind along the way.
Danny.
We used to flirt; a bunch. Nothing more than flirting; laughing, play fighting, hugging, teasing. The thing is, in all those memories, Danny had a smile on his face. He is always laughing and there is a brightness in his eyes.
However, in the last five years, those eyes have changed along with my memories. My heart is broken and longs for that man with the light in his eyes; the laughter in his voice.
Today, in the misty, humid rain, looking out the windows from the vantage of our building, I miss the love of my life.
Life means something else now.
There was a sermon given in church a few Wednesdays ago and while Danny was in choir practice, I sat alone in the back. The message was about our God planted desire to live an extraordinary life; one that means something and is more exciting than the normal. We, as Christians, want to make our life mean something, to make an impression that remains when we’re gone.
Am I wrong to desire the normal, the ordinary? Living in this dimension, I long to walk ‘under the radar.’
I want the middle class American dream. I don’t want to be an example.
Your admiration, your compliments, your comments on my strength, will and faith, well, they are nice to hear, but I’d trade them for that man with the bright eyes to be back in my life. I would trade them for Danny to be that joyful again.
I’ve been fighting for him in a battle that is bigger than me and I recognize that. It’s a battle that has no end, and this warrior is weary.
That hot guy with the laughing face, he always picked me up. He was my constant, my loyal friend, my confidant and always reliable. He comforted and made me feel good about myself. He somehow, knew the words to say, the way to put his arm around me and hug me without making me second guess his intentions. He protected me and in many ways, always loved me though that love has matured and changed through the years. Where did he go? I’ve been robbed. My heart was taken when Danny’s laughter was silenced, when his eyes blanked out.
Five years is a long time to wait for life to begin again. How do we build it; the new life? What decisions do we make and how do we get excited to live again? How can we make it back to ordinary? How do we come back home?
Allison,
I have tears streaming down my face. What you and your family have endured is beyond comprehension.
I was praying over the prayer requests that have been left on “Margery” this morning, and clicked over to read your story. You ARE turning tragedy into triumph…little by little. But is so excruciatingly hard in the meantime.
This post really resonated with me. I wrote of “Missing Katherine” on a previous blog. I think we must go through the grieving process in order to heal. We have both suffered great losses. Although our loved ones are still here in the body, there are things we loved that are gone. I think I miss Katherine’s voice most of all.
I have prayed for you and Danny and your family, and will continue to do so.
I pray that that light..that spark…that laughter… will be restored.
May God sustain you and give you supernatural strength.
Love,
Kim
Hang in there Allison. I think about you and Danny almost daily. Everytime I see a motercycle, a husband or wife taking care of their loved ones, or simply when thinking about my own high school days…you an Danny were both a major part of them in some way or another. I (although in a much different way) too know the bright eyes and smile you are talking about, and that was just Danny. He had this presence that was so jovial, so big, it is hard to imagine the Danny that is described in your posts. Yet when looking at the pictures it is obvious, this is a different guy than the one we knew, but that spark it is returning Allison. From afar, as outsiders we keep looking for those photos (because that is all we have) and as you update your gallery it is becoming increasingly noticible…YOU are bringing the spark back in his eyes. i believe with all my heart that the day will come when you both can look back and say..”we did it, we made it”.. So keep strong Allison, and know that while we all admire your strength we are mourning your loss and pain as well, but with the belief that with you as the one who knows when to put your arm around him, pick him up, protect and comfort him, all things will come full circle again.
My heart and prayers are with you ALWAYS
Allison, I so wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better and make things better for you all. Find strength in the fact that there are so many of us who are praying for you and God has not forgotten you though at times it feels that way. You are loved. Be blessed today!
Allison,
I wrote you a long comment the other day, but evidently it didn’t post.
I identify with everything you said here.
Please know that I think of you and pray for you often.
I think we make it back to ordinary just as you’re doing…trusting God one day at a time.
You are amazing.
love, kim
(p.s. I wrote of similar struggles here: http://katherineawolf.blogspot.com/2010/02/missing-katherine.html)
You do not know me, my name is Marci Lewis and I am from a small town outside of Charlotte NC. I happened across your blog when reading about the Shepard Center. I have a friend who was Paralyzed from the waist down almost 11 years ago and was a patient at the Shepard Center. Several others in my area have also rehabbed there. The Doctor I think I am, loves to read about injuries more so about the person themselves. I have literally taken a couple of days, staying up late at night, waking up during the night, and all through the day reading your post from 2005 until now. I have laughed, cried, have felt excitement and sadness when reading. I have so much about my life I would like to share but would not even know where to begin. I do not have a disabled husband or child, nor am I disabled BUT at times I feel I can relate with you. I have been married almost 11 years and am currently separated. I have been a stay at home mother, of 4, for almost 7 years now. My husband and I met in the 7th grade and have had many ups and downs…mainly downs. I have been verbally and physically abused through the years. I attempted suicide in January of this year and again in February (hospitalized both times for at least 2 weeks) in April my husband decided to not weather the storm with me anymore and left. He has always traveled with his career being gone a month or two at a time. I guess that freedom wasn’t enough. Like I said I am a stay at home mom. I have 4 children ages 10, 9, 5, and 2. No income and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have always had to pay the bills, clean, do laundry (for 5), fix/wash my car, haul my 4 active, over achieving children from one sport or dance class to the next….all on my own. I can’t afford to have a career at this point. Because of day care cost and live off child support(My husband is very successful, so child support, even though tight, is enough for now). I find myself everyday dreading the next, I don’t want to wake up and face ALL I have to do. I tend to take my stress out on my children. I am very irritable ans emotional all the time. All I ever wanted was a large family but who would have ever thought I would be a single mom of 4, doing it all on my own. I do not want the life I have either, my husband is very inappropriate at times and has been abusive in front of my children. I know it effects them but at this point I feel I have lost the game, given up, and all I do is make it through the next day. You have been saying the same things for 5 years now, so where/when do we except life as it is and become a happy woman? I long for my family to be together but mentally can’t handle the stresses my husband brings, heck I can’t take it that he’s gone now either. I went to counseling every week from January-May, he attended maybe 2 sessions. Just as you ask, why am I not good enough for him to want me, to work at us? I am a giver and a very strong woman. People say to me all the time “I don’t know how you do it”. So why doesn’t he see what others do? I am a christian but realize I do not have near the faith you do and do not know how to get there. The kids and I have a church but frankly am to tired to get all 5 of us ready on a Sunday morning to attend. You and Danny have inspired me to keep trudging along another day and to try so hard to be a better mother, the kind of mother you are. You have so much to be thankful for even though your days seem dark and like you will never exit the fog your in. You will but in my opinion I think you need to realize this is your life. You can always hope for better (I know I do!) But don’t dwell on life changing to the way you want it. Its life…people change, marriages change, and people come and go out of your life. Be thankful for what you do have instead of what’s missing. Goodness…I need to practice what I preach. I know its easier said than done but somehow we both have to exit the fog. I hope I was not out of line in emailing you guys. I wanted to let you know you have touched my life and will forever remember your story. Is this the best site to keep up with you guys?
Thank you and wishing your family lots of happiness.
Marci
Allison, I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over, and I know it doesn’t come close to fixing anything…but I just felt like I had to post this:
“I, the LORD your God, will make up for the losses caused by those swarms and swarms of locusts.” (Joel 2:25)
Love you.
Allison, I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over, and I know it doesn’t come close to fixing anything…but I just felt like I had to post this:
“I, the LORD your God, will make up for the losses caused by those swarms and swarms of locusts.” (Joel 2:25)
Love you.
Allison, I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over, and I know it doesn’t come close to fixing anything…but I just felt like I had to post this:
“I, the LORD your God, will make up for the losses caused by those swarms and swarms of locusts.” (Joel 2:25)
Love you.
Allison, I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over, and I know it doesn’t come close to fixing anything…but I just felt like I had to post this:
“I, the LORD your God, will make up for the losses caused by those swarms and swarms of locusts.” (Joel 2:25)
Love you.
Hello we dont know each other but we have alot in common. On june 15 2010 my husband of 5 yrs(been together 14 2 kids 12 and 7),had a car wreck and was in nuero icu for a month sedated for most of it,in a room for 2 weeks in witch he had to have 24hr care due to brain injuries that kept him from knowwing dangers,then he whent to Carolinas Rehabilitation in charlotte n.c. for two weeks. He came home on friday 13 of august and even though my husband has potiental to getting back to 80 or 100% it is still a long and scary road. Lady you are truely a stong woman of GOD because I know there is no way you would have made it this far had he not carried you!!!!! Yes I do understand that you feel that you are so to speek trapped and want a life and like me Im sure you feel bad for feeling this way.You love this man and want things back the way they were and wonder what the future holds with healing how much longer will I get more of him back????? All of these questions are normal they have to be we are human and are tired of being tired all the time even with the help of family it is still a journy. I was feeling really bad for my family but honey ou have truely went through it. God Bless you and by the way what a handsom little man you have