My gut is stirring with many dreams that suddenly feel possible. Dare I call it hope?
And, yet, I also see fresh edges of my fears creeping closer.
As a family, we’re making progress. We’re in a place that we are able to enjoy more freedoms as Danny becomes more independent. We are still in recovery-mode, but we have options that we have not had before; options, but still limitations. There are many details involved in growing, but we know God is in the details.
And, though, I know He is in the details, I also see the toll that brain injury is taking on the interpersonal dynamics in our family.
I see him isolating himself, disappearing, escaping. Corbin. My precious son.
He hates confrontation and arguing, so he removes himself from potential conflicts with his dad. Neither does he want to bear witness to clashes between me and Danny; something I should be controlling better. Corbin looks to me to referee and when I’m absent, he withdraws. With Danny’s frontal lobe injury, it’s hard for him to handle big feelings very well and it’s confusing to me. How much more so must it be for a child!
There is nothing quite like the relationship between a father and their child, or the lack of it. Our relationships with our fathers shape us into the adults we become and often, directly influences our concept about our Heavenly Father, for better or for worse.
My heart breaks.
For Danny. For Corbin. And, how they are missing out on the best things in each other. Danny can’t see it because of injury and Corbin can’t articulate it because he’s a kid; he’s just protecting his little feelings by avoidance.
I hate it. I’ve never despised anything as much as brain injury. It is a thief, a mockery of the person you love. It is a terminal disease that does not bring the mercy of death to end the suffering. It is a tool that twists the injured and the relationships tied tightly to them. And, I fear the ripple effects in the landscape of our legacy.
My gut stirs with hopes and also with heartaches. I see the progress, a more hopeful future, yet I feel fear growing in new areas as Corbin gets older.
John Pavlovitz writes in his article Why Everything Does Not Happen for a Reason,
There’s an oft-misused excerpt from a pastor’s letter to his faith community found in Scripture, where the author Paul writes:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
This isn’t a Heavenly insurance policy paid with faith and exempting us from anything unpleasant, but the promise that if we choose to respond to all things from a place of love and goodness; that we, not necessarily our circumstances will be better for it.
I want to choose wisely.
When I feel lost and afraid, when I am broken and confused, I choose to run. Not away from our hardships towards a perception of freedom, but to the One who freed us by His blood despite our circumstances.
I run to His arms and cling tightly to the goodness He embodies. I dig to grasp how deep and wide is His love for us; how He holds us and carries us in the sacred scars in His palms. I sing loudly His praises to quiet the fears that creep to the edges.
I pray and I praise. I cry and I cry out. I choose to take His yoke each day and then lay our burdens down at the feet of He who saves.
I place Danny and Corbin at the foot of the Cross. Will you pray this with me today?
It’s the 10th.
I could ask you to pray for Danny’s right leg, left arm and for him to see more progress. I could ask you to pray for me, for strength and patience.
But, quite honestly, more than anything else-what I want out of these circumstances is a man so captivated by the love of Jesus that he can’t help but live that love out every day; and by so doing, be the husband and father we need him to be, that he wants to be. I want Danny to have the ability to choose to respond to all things from a place of love and goodness and this can only happen by the Holy Spirit.
So, today, I pray the chorus to this song written by Brian & Katie Torwalt. Will you join me?
Holy Spirit, You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord
Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the glory of Your goodness
If you’re still here, did you order your In On 10 t-shirt yet?