Honestly, I started a post a month ago and have kept adding to it and adding to it, but it’s never felt complete. So, I’ll start over. I will turn over a new leaf.
In more than one way, I want to turn over a new leaf.
No more Debbie Downer. No more ignoring me. No more battling what God isn’t doing, rather teaming up with Him to do battle against what Satan is trying and failing to do. No more OCD behavior.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but I feel like I’ve lost myself in many ways and I’m tired of just making it by, of just hoping things come together alright and walking out the door.
It’s time to Spring Clean, this fall. Take the old and make it new.
I cut my hair, shorter and sassier and it’s more red. I can do it up different ways and it takes me less time.
My clothes; they need a facelift too. I’m tired of staring at my closet and just putting something on that matches. Where did this proclaimed fashion police go to? I go in and put something on because I have to, but there aren’t those things that make you feel good, feel beautiful. I know you women know what I’m talking about. Those outfits that make you walk a bit taller with a bit more confidence because you know it looks good on you; that is what I’m talking about. I don’t have that anymore.
It’s not that I don’ t have nice clothes, but almost like I don’t know what to do with them anymore to make them fabulous. My fashionista touch is gone, along with my own needs.
If I spend money on clothes, it’s for Danny or for Corbin because in my strange mind, it’s justified if it’s for them. If I buy something for me, I’m ridden with guilt. I have buyer’s remorse and then I don’t enjoy it.
The reality is, that I deserve to feel beautiful. We all do, no matter what murky water we have to trudge through our day. At least, we’ll look nice doing it.
It’s time to turn a new leaf, a new style, a new me.
I throw my hands up in the air and give it all up to God. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want the stress, the drama, the responsibility, none of it. I’m done. I quit.
And, you know what? God can do it. He will do it. He has and He does.
Not for my own glory, but for His.
I often get aggravated with Danny for not seeing himself as “worth” his healing. I get tired of the victim mentality. It’s a downer. Nobody likes to be around a downer.
But, you know what? When I really take a moment to reflect, I am the same as he is, just different characters in the same play; different leaves on the same dying branch.
We laugh because otherwise you’ll cry all the time. And, most of the time, Corbin is our entertainer.
For instance, how do boys inherently know that bodily functions are funny? My little four year old angel comes out of his room and says “hey, guys. look at this.” raises his hip and promptly poots, and then bursts out in full on belly laughter. This only pales in comparison to the hilarity of trying to stick his bum in my face and pooting which adds tears of laughter to the mix.
I laugh too. Just because I’m a mom and in a tough spot, do I have to be so serious?
Corbin had me and Danny dying in laughter the other night too. Corbin was in the bath, doing what all boys do when they’re naked; grabbing the goods. He suddenly tells me that he has beans in his bean bag. Did I hear him correctly? I look at Danny like “did you teach him that?” and all Danny can do is not laugh himself out of his wheelchair. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to laugh too hard so as not to encourage Corbin to repeat this anywhere.
Won’t Corbin love me sharing all these stories when he’s entering adolescence? Or at his rehearsal dinner? Isn’t that going to be fun?
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to ask myself if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t want to spend any more time giving Satan the pleasure of putting this cloud over our lives.
- I’m glad that Danny lived
- I’m glad that Corbin is healthy
- I’m glad that Corbin loves his Daddy so much that he doesn’t see a wheelchair
- I’m glad that we have parents that love us just shy of only what God can
- I’m glad that people find it in their hearts to give their hard earned money to Danny’s recovery
- I’m glad that I don’t have to feed Danny through a tube, but that we can all sit down at the table and eat together
- I’m glad to hear Corbin tell Danny that he loves him, out of the blue
- I’m glad that Corbin doesn’t remember the really dark, hard times
- I’m glad that I can sleep next to my husband, even if I have to wake up with him during the night, he’s still there
- I’m glad that we’ve gained friends that love us in spite of the hardships
- I’m glad that my husband is a fighter, for himself and for his family
- I’m glad that strangers offer assistance because they see a need
- I’m glad that I don’t get so uptight about having to wait in line; there are just some things more important in life
- I’m glad that when I doubt, when I feel lost and I cry out, God answers
- I’m glad there are seasons in life and we can turn our leaves
“Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” Psalm 126:2