I don’t really feel like writing an update today, but knew that it was inevitable that I write one this week. I’m not even sure what I want to say because I think I’m avoiding a very difficult entry personally. So, before I think about it anymore, I’ll just dive in.

Sunday, September 30Th, Danny and I fell. We were in the midst of a stand and pivot into his bed. It all happened so fast. His right knee gave out turning him away from his bed and towards the mat table in his room. I was able to save his head from hitting the floor, but his body rotated further and he hit the back of his head on the table before we fell to the floor. I lay there with him holding his head steady. He never lost consciousness and knew the answers to several questions. I could feel the swelling growing in my hand and then there was the blood; not a lot, but enough. In the midst was all the commotion around us.

The ambulance came and we went to the emergency room, where we hadn’t been in almost two years. Danny’s stats were fine. He had a CT-scan which came out normal with the exception of the previous injury. Our doctor told him to ice it and take Tylenol as he needed it. He could resume normal activity including therapy. All in all, a very scary situation came out alright for the most part.

The hard part now is the mental game that the event plays on us. Danny blames himself and is more concerned about me. I too was and still am sore considering I tried to keep 250lbs of dead weight from hitting the ground and fell with him sliding between the mat table and Danny’s body. Danny isn’t as confident in doing the stands/pivots and gets nervous that he isn’t able to do it, not for himself, but for me. I guess it’s good that Danny is thinking about me first before himself, but I know he can stand/pivot. His therapists have continued to do it with him for transfers at therapy and they encourage him that he is able and shouldn’t be afraid. What plagues me most is the look in Danny’s eyes as he fell; the deer caught in the headlights “help me” look, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t do anything more than I did and thank the Lord it wasn’t any worse.

I’ve been thinking about that day a lot. So many things were happening that day; Danny’s niece’s birthday, Hector and Loida came home from a trip that afternoon, Corbin’s new Friday sitter was there at the house, Danny had an outburst with his dad and then the fall to end the day. Distractions everywhere, responsibility overload. I truly believe that Sunday was an attack of the spiritual manifesting in the natural. Let me paint you a picture.

As you’ve read in the last update, Danny is in the midst of a huge breakthrough in his physical recovery. If he continues at that pace, Candy says he won’t need her in two months. Wow! So, we’re riding on this high hope of expectation and four days later, bam! Satan gives us a one, two punch. If he can discourage Danny and discourage me, if he can distract us from the Lord’s purpose and goodness, if he can get our minds, then he wins. However, I know that the battle, the attack is strongest before the victory. I know that we’re about to embark on something huge for the glory of the Lord and Satan doesn’t like it. So, today, although I’m haunted by the image of Danny’s eyes as we fell, I will not allow Satan to haunt me. The Lord is my rock and my shield and I put my trust in Him who lives.

Okay, now that we’re past that, let me share some other exciting news. Wednesdays are usually the days that Candy ambulates with Danny, but Candy wasn’t there that day. Another therapist, Josh, ambulated with Danny instead. I was encouraged because 1. Candy must feel that Danny is doing well enough to have someone else help him walk and 2. because Danny was just as strong as he was the previous week. He didn’t sit on Josh’s shoulder for support and made good time. Josh had just come back from vacation and hadn’t worked with Danny in a while and he was very impressed with his progress. All good news!

Then, last Wednesday Danny had two hours scheduled with Candy. In the first hour they did something completely new with him. He had to stand up using a typical walker; over and over again. Then the second hour, they walked. While Danny didn’t have a great day, Candy did tell him that he had a good day. He did well pulling himself up with the walker and was just so tired to get his legs to walk during that second hour.

Lastly, concerning Danny’s physical therapy, on Friday I was able to see Danny walk in the pool. He had a therapist on each side of him and then walked. With his left leg, he was able to take a complete step, but still had to have assistance with his right. It was exciting to see and I look forward to seeing new things every week.

Next Friday, October 26Th, Danny will have his tendon release surgery for his ankles. We’re really excited to get this over and done with. Danny will wear walking casts for about a month and then we’ll see if he needs braces. Again, the best part is that he’ll still be able to do therapy so he won’t miss any of the momentum that he has going. Also, all the walking and standing that Danny has been doing, he’s had to balance on the balls of his feet since he can’t get his heels down on the ground. So, once he’s able to use his whole foot for support, his therapists expect big improvements.

Our anniversary is the next day, so although it probably won’t be the most romantic day, I am glad that we’re still moving in the right direction with recovery.

The following is an excerpt of an email I sent last week. You’ll find it to be very transparent and just some of the daily struggles from the brain injury stand point that we deal with. Remember, we’re up against a brain injury; it’s what all this comes out of.

“I hope that one day I can look back and realize why we’re having to walk this journey. Danny asks me all the time why God allowed this to happen to him. And, I truly don’t know the answer to that question. I believe that we’ll know better one day and I sure hope that day comes sooner rather than later. I’m sorry to write so much; it’s just that today is a hard day. As the Lord says to ask, believe and we’ll receive, I keep on asking and I’m only receiving Danny’s body back piece by piece which is fabulous. However, it’s Danny’s mind that I need. I need him to realize that he has hope, that he doesn’t have to be angry, to watch his mouth in front of Corbin, to not be so hateful and judgmental, to be kind to others, etc. He just doesn’t mean to do those things and it’s hard to wrap my mind around the understanding, to have patience with him when it affects my life and Corbin’s life. I am fearful sometimes that if Danny gets his physical back and he is this angry and full of negativity, that he could become violent; not that he would mean to, but in a fit of rage, much like someone that is schizophrenic, he could lash out of control. I don’t want to live like that and I don’t want him to be tormented anymore. I truly believe that he has these major spiritual oppressions on him and they’re so hard to break free from. I don’t understand why God would allow Danny to be tormented like this and thus me and Corbin. How is that a God of love, mercy and grace? How could Abba let his children suffer so? be so out of control of their minds? Then, I remember that we’re not supposed to lean on our own understanding. How can I not when all I want is my family to be happy? I want to know why too, just like Danny. Why does Corbin not want to play with his dad or sit in his lap? Because Danny can’t physically interact with him; why does it have to be that way? It breaks my heart to see Corbin turn Danny down for kisses and hugs because that is what Danny needs…unconditional love like that of his child. Why must Danny feel so abandoned and unloved, unworthy and hopeless? Why can’t God give his mind the memory from where he has come from so Danny can realize that he is getting better? Do I need to bargain with God? I find myself doing that; “God, if you’ll give Danny his mind and heart back, I’ll deal with the physical limitations.” Why do I feel like I have to do that? Why can’t I have all of Danny back? I miss him so much; I miss him taking care of me, of holding me, of cheering me up, of sleeping in bed with me, letting me cry on his shoulder, getting my car washed and fixed and taking care of all of life’s necessities. Will I ever have that? Is it possible that I have to give those dreams up to stay with Danny? Will it be like this for the rest of our lives? I don’t want this life, but I want Danny.”

Like I said, it is really transparent and hopefully will give you an insight on how to pray for us. I cannot express how important it is that Danny’s healing come from within his mind, spirit and then body. Please let’s covenant together to lift up Danny’s mind first, believing that we will receive. I have been asking the Lord to show me His glory through Danny. Will you join me in that prayer?

Allison

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