Reflections

Christmas was extra special this year.  See previous post for the first reason…Danny’s gift.

But, secondly, the holidays were special because I got to spend them with my Grandma.  It’s been years since that happened and sadly, it really only happened because my Grandpa spent his first holiday season in heaven.

Nonetheless, we made memories.

I am now Grandma endorsed to make her famous yeast rolls.  We made them together and she showed Corbin how to do it too.  Yes, I got pictures and I know I need a major updating to the Gallery.

But, we got to talk and I was able to learn things about her and my Grandpa that I never knew.  I listened to her hurt, her insecurities and her resolution to press on.

In all honesty, I identify best with my 88 year old grandmother.

The last days that my Grandpa was alive, she had to care for him in ways she’d never done.  Grandpa was the one who made all their decisions.  He was the one that drove and the one that planned things.  And, she followed.

He directed her and when that role changed, it had a huge impact on their relationship.

Grandpa was frustrated by his loss of independence.  He was angry that he had to let her do things for him, realizing that he was losing his mind and his body.

It must be so humbling…..I think I’ll ask Danny.

In many ways, my Grandma is me just at 88 years old.  She too, had to help her husband do things for himself that he once was able to do on his own.  She too, had to deal with his frustrations around his limitations.  She too, was tired all the time, but smiled anyway.

She asked me one night if I was able to rest at all when we traveled to Canada for Grandpa’s memorial services.

“No ma’am” I replied.  In her wisdom, she identified that I’m just tired all the time.

It’s not just the physical work, but it’s the emotional weight I carry.  There is so much to do and so many things to take care of.

And, my Grandma is no different.  She now has the responsibility to make all the financial decisions, where she will live and how best to manage their legacy.  She will be the one to go through their things and assign them where she thinks best.  And, I’m sure she’ll be second guessing herself the whole time.

Just like me.

I am my 88 year old Grandma, but I’m only 34.

I have more in common with her than most wives/mothers my age.  Everyone has a story, a difficulty they carry that is unique and heavy to them.  I recognize that.  I identify it.

I’m just glad that I have my Grandma who understands when it feels no one else does.  I’m so thankful for our new relationship, one that as a child I couldn’t have understood and one that as an adult I value.  I am a reflection of her and am so grateful for her wisdom and her encouragement.

I know the God of the impossible and as I mentioned in my last post, 2012 is the year.  I’m believing it to happen and actually thinking it can.  It’s the first time in a long time that my doubts are becoming quiet as the Lord reveals Himself in mighty ways.

I am blessed by the women in my life.  I have many mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts.  To you, and you know who you are, I appreciate you all more than you know.  I love you Grandma!