I would never want to embarrass Danny or dishonor him. Therefore, there are some things I choose not to write about. However, I am concerned and so I covet your prayers today.
I donít like being a mother to my husband.
Itís not natural for me, not a role I desire. Yet one I find myself in too often. Itís not just the care-taking; itís the parenting, the teaching and setting boundaries for a grown man.
Lately, and truly only lately, there seems to be an increase of poor decision making in Danny. Situations that seem to have a very logical way, heís choosing the opposite. Heís choosing what seems to be the middle finger to potential risks or consequences. Heís rolling the dice and taking chances.
I donít like it. It scares me. It makes me sad and mad and disappointed.
There are rules in life to be followed. And, Iím a born rule follower.
In our building, you must keep your dog on a leash at all times. Itís simple. Yet, Danny has taken Audrey off her leash on more than one occasion; even settling into a routine of taking her off leash once they are back on our hallway just to see how fast she can run home.
She runs straight home and paws the door open, trotting straight to her water bowl. It seems like no big deal.
But, what happens when the elderly man who walks with a cane comes out his door as Audrey barrels towards him? What happens if a neighbor enters the hallway with their dog that Audrey doesn’t like? What happens when we get fined?
Audrey isn’t a bad dog. Sheís just a big dog who wants to love you and play with you. She wants to give you ear nibbles and face kisses.
But Corbin knows the rules and he sees his father knowingly breaking the rules. And, Iím wrenched. Not because taking the dog off the leash is a big deal, but itís what lies under it, the example of it that concerns me. What is this teaching our son?
What messes am I going to have to clean up behind his wake of poor decisions?
Driving home from work a couple weeks ago, I crested the big hill and came upon Danny and Audrey in the street; IN THE STREET! Yes, they were to the side of the road, but there is a sidewalk for goodness sake.
It scared me, but Danny thought I was overreacting. Perhaps I am; however, I think I have every right to be worried that he or the dog could be hit by a car. After all, I know what itís like to see his body hit by a car. I’ve been there and done that. Itís because of that that we live this life now. Call me crazy, but I just donít want to live through a repeat.
Or, perhaps itís the choice he made to leave our son home alone. Or, that he travels alone down the street to an office park to let Audrey run free. Or, that he isn’t supposed to be weight bearing through his broken hand, but he does anyway. Or, that he drank too many margaritas and laughed through wobbly transfers. Or, he drives like a maniac in his power wheelchair seemingly without anticipation of the unexpected.
I’m scared. I’m confused and worried.
Yes, there are side effects of his injury that we deal with daily, but these poor choices are new; almost nine years later and they’re new.
Aside from my concern for everyone’s safety, the most stomach churning part is if Danny was able bodied and still making poor choices. What happens when he can walk or drive? I want to give him freedom and independence. I want to give him grace to make mistakes, but I also want him to learn from them and make better decisions.
I sound like a mom; a mom to my husband. It’s abnormal. I want my husband, not another child to raise.
But, I guess in the wake of brain injury, nothing is normal or typical anymore and I know it could be so much worse.
This is not an easy story, a smooth or predictable journey. Itís the twists and the turns that bring the rise and fall of emotions, hope and helplessness.
I’m thankful I have Jesus.
Even when I do not have the answers to my questions, I have Jesus. When I’m scared, I have Jesus. When I am confused, I have Jesus. When I don’t know what’s happening, I know Jesus does. When I don’t know how to pray, He prays and intercedes for me. When I don’t know what to say, when I feel lost and don’t know the way, I know Jesus.
And, I know you. I know you pray for us.
Please pray for Danny. Pray for his safety, clarity of thought and wisdom.
And me too. Pray for me. I too need wisdom and peace today.