I can’t believe it’s been more than a month since I last wrote.  There is something wrong with that; really there is.

I’m wrong about many, many things.  And, life, is wrong too sometimes.

In one week, I attended two separate memorial services for fathers of daughters we call friends.  Interestingly, these were the first funerals I’d been to since Danny’s accident.  Needless to say, feelings were stirred up inside me.

Danny actually asked what I would have done if he’d died.  Whoa, elephant in the room.  Have a funeral? A celebration? Buried or cremated?  Thankfully, I never had to make that decision, but I might one day.

The fact is that that day can come at any time.  We’ve already experienced what change life can bring in a split second.

More often than not, death and memorializing life is something that we don’t talk about.  Why not?  I suppose it’s easier to pretend we’re safe and secure.  I suppose it’s easier to ignore the impending emotional void a loved one might leave when they die.

Death is a separation and life is full of separations, some easier than others.  The death of your job, your home, your marriage, your relationships, your car, your dreams; all those things happen in life. Some of us, because of our faith in the Lord, can at times smile through the pain of separations.

For those of us in Christ, when there is a separation, there is something new, something beautiful, something lively on the other side of that pain.  I want to lose my pain and be on the other side of it; I want to remove it quickly like a day old bandaid.  But, that isn’t the way for me; yet.

For a reason that only God knows, this death is prolonged.  It lives in our house with us, sleeps with us and weighs us down like a heavy yoke.  We are aware of it’s presence yet do not know how to throw it off our backs and out of our minds and hearts.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

I kept reading Hebrews 12 after I pasted the passage above.  I relish the last verse in the first section of Chapter 12.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Hebrews 12:12-13

Yes, Lord.  I pray that you will make Danny’s (left) arm strong and that his brain will be able to straighten his knees so that he can stand firmly and walk upright, revealing your healing glory.  Amen.

Separations are hard.  It’s hard to grieve when there is a daily reminder of what has been lost or that things are not how they should be, how you dreamed they would be and how you want them to be.  It gives a whole new meaning to “dying to self.”

There is, thankfully, one separation that can never take place.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

So although I do not understand, I can’t see where I’m going and I feel weighted by the grief around my neck, I will cling to his promise(s).

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 

I have peace when I trust Him because He is there even in the midst.  I can’t wait to be on the other side of this pain, so I can see how grand, how much higher his thoughts and his ways are than mine. Praise the Lord.

I have much news so expect another entry.

One thought on “Unmentionable grief

  • March 11, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Funny thing about loss. . . it is as individual as our fingerprints. “Joy comes in the morning” the word says. Well, it is morning yet? I, like you, am very tired of the struggle. It is challenging at the least to watch your child (albeit a grown one) to deal day in and day out with the huge assignment that is hers. I long to somehow remove that necklace of grief from you neck and put it down the disposal, followed by gallons of hot water to dissipate it, never to return. When Corbin laughs outloud, I remember your laughter as a child and even as an adult and I long to hear it often. I am ready, as everyone else is, to be done with this – so, please, Father, be God. Mercy, mercy, MERCY!!!

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