Unprepared

There are many things that I am unprepared to handle.  Shocking, I know.

There is no way in Hades that I was prepared for this journey.

Looking back, I know God was very near to me even before the accident.  I had no idea what was coming, but He did.

I was not prepared or taught how to deal with a brain injured husband.  There isn’t anything to educate someone about what it is really like.  Doctors, nurses, and therapists all go home and don’t take patients with them.

It wasn’t like I was applying for a job and I possessed all the experience for the position.

I didn’t know what or how to use a hoyer lift, restraints, catheters, feeding tubes, suction, breathing treatments, bowel programs, tilt in space chairs, weight shifts, draw sheets, and oxygen.

I didn’t have experience watching my husband ask me to kill him to ease his suffering.  I hadn’t had to deny my husband water when he asked.  I had never seen Danny in wild eyed crazy, confusing anger.  I did not have experience to know how to walk each step of this.

I wasn’t prepared.

I was, however, equipped.

Last night, as we went through our evening, I had this nagging feeling that I wasn’t prepared.

We’ve been asked to share our story to a large church this coming Sunday morning.

I knew this day would come.  I knew this was part of the ‘God turning this into good’ process.  I knew we would share, speak and I know that book is somewhere in me waiting to be written.

But, the time is now and I’m feeling unprepared.

Did I read the Word enough?  Have I memorized Scripture?  Do I have my three-point sermon handy?

The answer to all of these is a resounding ‘no.’

I didn’t take a class. I didn’t study. I don’t know all the answers to the questions yet.  I don’t know ‘why’ this happened.  I can’t explain it and pull everything together for the audience.  The total healing hasn’t manifested.  The recovery is still going.  The story still being written.

Literally, I was lying in bed last night fretting.  I was trying to work through what I’d say and I was feeling incredibly doubtful that I was up to the task.

Were we ready?

I received a text at 11:56pm.

“You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name. I will Praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and I will glorify Your name forevermore!  For great is Your mercy toward me.” Psalm 86:10-13

That was it.  Nothing else.  Just the verse.

I’m not perfectly prepared.  But, I am fully equipped by Him alone and I will simply share and glorify His name.

Sunday, June 10th.  Pray Day for Danny.  It’s the day we’ll be helping symbolize the movement from victim to victor at a local church. Details to follow.