I have started a new blog post exactly 294 times and each time, I close it without saving.

They all sound so depressing. Down and out. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Tired.

And, it sounds like the same story I write all the time.

Why is that?

Why is it that I really feel like writing when the negative emotions overwhelm me?

Honestly, those seem to resonate with the three of you who actually read this stuff-the posts where my ugly, sad heart is exposed like a book of pages you read.

There are many things that roll around in my head to share; some about Danny’s recovery and some about me, just me.

I want people to read about our journey and be encouraged; however, I also want to be real.

The faithful Allison and the raw humanity Allison are at odds. I waver and I wrestle. I believe and don’t at the same time.

I am the boy’s father in Mark 9:24, “Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.”

Based purely on my faith in and knowledge of God, I know that total restoration is possible.

In the natural realm, I know it is not.

Brain injuries suck. They suck on varying degrees based on the individual and no physician will hold all the answers we seek; each injury as unique as a snowflake, recovery as unpredictable as a tornadoes’ path.

I can’t come here each post and write something encouraging, something positive, something super spiritual.

You would see straight through me.

No, I’d rather be raw and real and as transparent as possible, while still respecting my husband.

I’d rather be free to be me-scars, tired eyes, sore feet, bruised and broken, but never beaten.

It may not be pretty, but it’s us. Take us or leave us, just as we are.

And, I’ll do the same for you; all three of you.

3 thoughts on “A Post to Nowhere

  • February 4, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    You are not posting to nowhere or no one…. We are here. Some of us are just quiet. Maybe because we just don’t have the words for comfort or encouragement, maybe we are just cowards. We have only met and talked a few times here @ OVM, but I see Members of your family every day. I watch in awe and admiration how each and everyone of you go through the trials and tribulations of each day. Taking turns caring for Danny, Corbin and the grandparents.
    Seeing you juggling work, being basically mother and dad to your adorable little boy and still being up beat almost every time I see you. You put on a strong front….. I can’t imagine how hard it is.
    It’s ok to show your ” cuts and bruises”. You are human. Life is hard, it just ” sucks” sometimes!!!!!!
    You are entitled to your downs. You must take time out in those moments to recover And recharge.
    You have such faith …. You will never be alone.

    I am here and I do listen and Pray for YOU!

  • February 5, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    i am so grateful to you for sharing your real struggles. it’s in the middle of all the mess that we see His hand in ALL things. and in the dark when we don’t see…He is there.
    i love you all very much. i am very encouraged by you, danny and your whole family.

  • February 6, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    I have several friends dealing with brain injury spouses. I am not one of them, but the insights, words, belief and transparency you provide here, help me to encourage them where they are. They do not have the support system you do, and I am so grateful that you have it. I know it does not make it any better in the dark night hours of the soul, but you are a light in the darkness of others. Your willingness to share your story, struggles and highs, helps the rest of us our here in cyber land. I miss the old Danny too and I don’t have to go what you go through, but I read your posts and I know that know matter what, he WILL be healed, even if it is not until he joins the Father in heaven.

    In the meantime, your openness allows me to peer into your world, pray more specifically for you, Corbin and Danny, and to know what to say and even what NOT to say to my other friends who are going through similar struggles.

    Your heart aches, your soul tormented, but you God is greater than all this. Hold fast to the feet of Jesus, and just know you have prayer warriors out here warring on your behalf.

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