I suppose a little explanation of the title may be in order. Those words were the conclusion that Corbin reached following a short lesson on how nasty flies can be, but how God uses the caca that flies land on to help the flowers and crops grow. You could see the little wheels in his brain working and out popped his summary; “after the caca, comes the flowers.”
Now, I know all parents are busting their buttons at how brilliant they think their child is and there is often the parent comparison game at all play dates and parties. However, the Holy Spirit grabbed me with the deep spiritual suggestion of what he said. I guess if God can speak through a jackass, he can certainly use my angel Corbin to get my attention. Nonetheless, I am constantly reminded of God’s love for me through Corbin.
I can not imagine God loving me more than I love Corbin and yet, He does and He shows me that in at least a small way everyday. It is the split second in conversation with Danny that I forget our circumstances. It is the unsolicited “I love you, Mama” from Corbin. God shows His love for me in the easy way schedules fall into place and even when I have a few moments to paint my toenails. He shows me through other’s stories of courage and faith through their own journey (see http://www.katherineawolf.blogspot.com/). He confirms for me that He is there when funding suddenly arrives for that therapy invoice I just received. But, out of the mouths of babes, God nudges my faith; after the caca, comes the flowers.
I gotta tell you, it’s about time we see some darn flowers. I mean, I need the Atlanta Botanical Gardens to show up at my front door. I live in a perpetual state of fear that I have to push back from the forefront of my thought or I’ll go crazy. For a few short sentences, okay, perhaps a couple paragraphs, I’ll let you in on my fears. Maybe if I air them out, it won’t seem so scary or at least you’ll know how to pray for this crazy lady.
Money: I know right now, everyone seems a bit nervous about their finances, but I gotta confess, I’m terrified. Now, I’m not holding out my Shriners’ Circus bucket asking for your spare change, but just venting a bit. As I see the money in our checking account dwindle down each month, the money in my 401K go up in smoke and with no other savings, I panic. I’m in a connumdrum of sorts. I could work more hours, but I wouldn’t make anymore money since I’d still be having to pay for a sitter for Corbin and an assistant for Danny. So, is there something I can do from home? Seriously, I can’t even keep my toilets cleaned, much less spend time on the phone or computer trying to earn some extra cash.
Here’s a biggie for you; when/if will Danny be able to work again? Will it even be lucrative since he will have to learn to overcome some cognitive deficiencies? Will we lose the disability that we get if he starts to work? What if he wants to work on motorcycles again (I’ll save more on this subject for another post. It might take a few.)? We have no other back up plan in place, but holding out our bucket. And, honestly, it scares me to have to depend on you because you’re just trying to make it for you and your own family. Why should you help us? And, if you can afford to help someone, what makes our need greater than someone else’s?
How long will Danny have to be in therapy? I don’t want to quit too early and him lose momentum, but I don’t want to run us into the ground either. Wouldn’t that be great to get him walking again only to fall into the debt pit that is so healthy for marriages? At this point, would it be good to quit Beyond Therapy and hire a personal trainer? Is he there yet? What is the right time?
Pause. I need to vomit now. Maybe this venting my fears thing wasn’t such a good idea. It seems to making me feel more like caca and much less like flowers.
I can make it. Just keep typing. There is a revelation in all this confession, right?
Okay, now that Danny can ride in my car, we take it as much as possible. The problem is this though; his wheelchair doesn’t fit in my trunk, so we have to put it in the back seat with Corbin. Thus, we can’t have anyone else with us or any groceries either; even my purse gets shoved up under Danny’s feet after he gets settled. Plus, my car is old, 1990 and has almost 185K miles on it. Now, granted, it is a Mercedes and they can go forever, but my Dad isn’t here anymore to help keep it running well and Danny can’t do it physically. So, bottom line to this whole paragraph, is it time to buy a new car?
The questions continue. Do we have the money to buy a car right now? Sure, but it would take a BIG chunk out of our pocket and see nervous comments about future funds above. My car is paid for so we have no car payment which is great. Do we really want to add something else to the outgoing column in our budget? No, I don’t, but my car is not working for my family. So, do we buy new or used? Do we buy a car, a station wagon, a mini van or a SUV? What is right choice? And, more often than not, if I don’t know what to do, I just don’t do anything. However, we’ve been talking about a new(er) car for me for a long time, but I’m terrified to pull that trigger and have it come back to haunt me months down the road when I have to pull Danny out of Beyond Therapy prematurely.
Ahhhhh! And, that is only about money. I think I’ll keep some other fears for other days before you all plan an intervention and men in white uniforms bring me the latest style of jacket, the straight kind. However, from all the questions, He is the Answer and by the life of my little boy, God tells me how much He loves me. If God loves me a fraction of what I love Corbin and I’m willing to walk through the wilderness for him, what more will my heavenly Father do for me?
He makes promises and keeps them all. Do you want to see one of the promises he made me? The verse is found in Isaiah 43:19.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Below, Danny is doing a new thing; a marvelous thing. This day brought a renewed sense of hope when my well was dry. And, after two hours of walking over ground (mostly with the walker), the two therapists helping Danny laid hands on him and thanked the Lord for what He has done in Danny’s life.
God has planted seeds all along this journey. Some fell on the path, some in the thorns and some in the good soil. Lord, let us be like the good soil, producing a crop for your Kingdom.
After the caca, comes the flowers……Amen.